This is Part 6 of the “Weight of Words” series. Read Part 1 | Part 2: The Whisper Test | Part 3: The Compliment That Cuts | Part 4: Size Gaslighting | Part 5: The Invisible Uniform
I need to tell you something that might make you uncomfortable:
You don’t know why anyone’s body looks the way it does.
Not your coworker who gained weight. Not your friend who lost it. Not the stranger in line at the grocery store. Not your sister. Not your daughter. Not anyone.
You might think you know. You might assume you know. But unless someone has explicitly told you their story – and I mean really told you, not just dropped hints you think you’ve decoded – you don’t know.
And here’s what I’ve learned in my years of coaching people through trauma and life transitions: Almost every body is carrying a story we haven’t been invited to read.
The Stories Behind Body Changes
Let me tell you about some of the invisible reasons for weight change I’ve encountered:
The woman everyone praised for losing weight? She’d just left an abusive marriage. The weight fell off because she was too anxious to eat, couldn’t sleep, and was running on pure survival mode. Every compliment about how great she looked felt like celebrating the worst period of her life.
A man who suddenly gained weight had finally found medication that treated his severe depression and saved his life. The weight gain was a side effect. He’d choose being alive and heavier over thin and suicidal any day – but nobody asked. They just looked at him differently.
The young woman who was “so lucky to be naturally thin”? She had an autoimmune disease that made eating painful. She would have given anything to gain weight, to feel healthy, to not have people envy something that was actually making her miserable.
The person who couldn’t seem to lose weight no matter what? PCOS. Thyroid issues. Medications for chronic conditions. Hormonal changes. Genetic factors. Or maybe just… a body that’s shaped like that. A body that’s actually healthy at that size, despite what diet culture tells us.
Medical Reasons We Don’t See
Here are just some of the invisible reasons for weight change – reasons we rarely consider before commenting:
Medical reasons:
- Medications for depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, diabetes, seizures, migraines, or autoimmune conditions
- Thyroid disorders (hyper or hypo)
- PCOS
- Cushing’s syndrome
- Menopause and hormonal changes
- Chronic pain that limits mobility
- Disabilities that affect movement
- Cancer or cancer treatments
- Chronic illness
- Recent surgery or injury recovery
Mental health reasons:
- Eating disorders (in any direction – restriction, binging, or recovery from either)
- Depression that kills appetite or leads to emotional eating
- Anxiety that makes eating impossible or triggers stress eating
- Trauma responses (the body often holds onto weight as protection after trauma)
- PTSD
- Grief that manifests as weight loss or gain
Life circumstance reasons:
- Poverty (healthy food is expensive; sometimes survival means eating what’s cheap and available)
- Food deserts (living where fresh, healthy food simply isn’t accessible)
- Working multiple jobs with no time to cook or exercise
- Caretaking responsibilities (caring for sick family members, aging parents, children with special needs)
- Pregnancy, postpartum, breastfeeding
- Recovering from an eating disorder (weight gain can literally mean healing)
- Escaping abuse
- Major life transitions or stress
And sometimes:
- Genetics (some bodies are just built bigger or smaller)
- Natural body diversity (we’re supposed to come in different sizes)
- Aging (bodies change over decades, and that’s normal)
- Simply living life (not everyone’s priority is maintaining a certain size, and that’s okay)
Research on weight stigma and health shows that commenting on someone’s body without knowing their story can cause significant psychological harm and reinforce dangerous assumptions about health and appearance.
What Your Comments Really Mean
Here’s what all of this means:
When you comment on someone’s weight – whether they’ve lost it or gained it – you’re commenting on a story you don’t know.
You might be celebrating someone’s suffering. You might be criticizing someone’s healing. You might be envying someone’s illness. You might be shaming someone’s survival.
And even if the weight change IS intentional and healthy, your comment still carries weight.
Because it tells that person: I’ve been watching your body. I’ve been judging it. And the most interesting or important thing about you to me is what size you are.
It tells them their worth in your eyes is tied to their appearance.
It tells everyone listening what bodies you approve of and what bodies you don’t.
Meeting People Where They Are
I think about this a lot in my work. I meet people where they are. I believe their truth. And part of believing someone’s truth is understanding that their body is telling a story I haven’t earned the right to read – let alone comment on.
Someone’s body might be:
- The site of their trauma
- The evidence of their survival
- The result of their healing
- The manifestation of their illness
- The side effect of staying alive
- The consequence of their circumstances
- The reality of their genetics
- Just… their body, living its life
And none of those stories are mine to judge.
A Different Approach to Connection
So what do we do instead of commenting on weight?
We ask: “How are you doing?” (And actually listen to the answer)
We notice: “You seem happy lately” or “You’ve seemed stressed – is everything okay?”
We appreciate: “I love your energy” or “That color looks great on you” or “I enjoy spending time with you”
We celebrate: Their accomplishments, their character, their growth, their kindness, their humor
We see the whole person – not just the body they’re living in.
The Complex Humans Behind Every Body
Because here’s what I know for certain:
Behind every body is a complete human being with a complex story.
Some of those stories include trauma you can’t see. Some include illness you wouldn’t guess. Some include circumstances you’ve never experienced. Some include victories that look like failures to outsiders. Some include struggles that look like success.
And you don’t need to know the story to treat the person with dignity.
You don’t need to understand why someone’s body looks the way it does to recognize their worth.
You don’t need their medical history or life circumstances to speak to them with respect.
You just need to remember that there IS a story – one that’s complex and real and none of your business unless they choose to share it.
The Only Story That Matters
Every body tells a story we haven’t been invited to read.
So maybe, just maybe, we could stop acting like we’ve already read it.
Maybe we could stop commenting on chapters we know nothing about.
Maybe we could treat every body – every single one – with the respect and dignity we’d want for our own.
Because every person you see is carrying something you don’t know about.
Every body has a history you haven’t lived.
Every size has a story you haven’t heard.
And every human being – regardless of what their body looks like or why it looks that way – is valuable beyond measure.
Not because they’ve earned it. Not because their story is compelling enough. Not because their circumstances are sympathetic enough.
Just because they’re human.
Just because they exist.
Just because they are.
That’s the only story we need to know to treat someone with kindness.
You are valuable beyond measure – and your story is yours to tell, not theirs to assume.
CONTINUE THE SERIES:
- Part 1: Why I’m Writing This Series
- Part 2: The Whisper Test
- Part 3: The Compliment That Cuts
- Part 4: Size Gaslighting
- Part 5: The Invisible Uniform
- Part 7: Created in His Image (Coming soon)
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