Secondary Trauma: When Their Pain Becomes Yours

Understanding vicarious trauma in caregivers

You wake up in a panic, heart racing, drenched in sweat.

But nothing happened to YOU.

Your child is the one in crisis. You’re just the one watching.

So why does your body feel like YOU’RE the one under attack?

Because you are.

What Is Secondary Traumatic Stress?

Secondary traumatic stress (also called vicarious trauma or compassion fatigue) is what happens when you absorb someone else’s trauma into your own nervous system.

It’s the psychological and physiological impact of loving someone who’s in constant pain.

Here’s the science:

Your brain has something called mirror neurons—cells that fire both when you perform an action AND when you watch someone else perform that action.

When you watch someone you love suffer, your brain processes it as if YOU are suffering.

Your nervous system doesn’t distinguish between:

• Danger happening TO you
• Danger happening to someone you love

So when your child is in crisis, YOUR body responds as if YOU are in crisis.

Your cortisol spikes.
Your heart races.
Your muscles tense.
Your immune system weakens.

And if that crisis is CHRONIC (lasting months or years), your nervous system gets stuck in “ON” mode.

You develop symptoms that look nearly identical to PTSD—even though the trauma isn’t happening directly to you.

The Symptoms

Do you:

Re-experiencing (Intrusive Thoughts):

☐ Replay worst-case scenarios constantly
☐ Have nightmares about losing them
☐ See images of them in pain even when eyes are closed
☐ Can’t stop thinking about them even when you try
☐ Get triggered by reminders (certain songs, places, objects)

Hypervigilance (Always “On Alert”):

☐ Jump every time your phone rings
☐ Constantly check on them
☐ Scan for danger signs
☐ Can’t relax because you’re waiting for bad news
☐ Startle easily at sudden noises or movements

Avoidance:

☐ Avoid conversations about their condition
☐ Avoid your own feelings (stay busy so you don’t have to feel)
☐ Avoid things that remind you of the situation
☐ Withdraw from social situations

Negative Beliefs:

☐ “It’s my fault”
☐ “I should be able to fix this”
☐ “I’m a failure as a parent”
☐ “The world is not safe”
☐ “I can’t trust anyone/anything”
☐ “Nothing will ever be okay again”

Physical Symptoms:

☐ Exhaustion that sleep doesn’t fix
☐ Tension headaches, tight chest, stomach issues
☐ Weakened immune system (getting sick often)
☐ Chronic pain (back, neck, shoulders)
☐ Sleep disturbances

Emotional Numbing:

☐ Can’t feel joy even when good things happen
☐ Feel detached or “foggy”
☐ Loss of interest in things you used to love
☐ Feel like you’re just going through the motions

Irritability & Mood Changes:

☐ Snap at people you love
☐ Short fuse, easily frustrated
☐ Cry easily or feel on the verge of tears constantly
☐ Rage that feels disproportionate

If you checked 5 or more, you’re likely experiencing secondary traumatic stress.

Why It’s Worse for Parents

Secondary trauma hits parents especially hard because:

1. You’re biologically wired to protect your child

Evolution designed your brain to keep your offspring alive. When your child is in danger (even psychological danger), your nervous system treats it as a threat to YOUR survival.

2. You can’t escape the “threat”

Unlike other traumatic situations that have a clear end, your child’s struggle may be ongoing for years or decades. Your nervous system never gets a break.

3. You feel responsible

Even when you logically know you didn’t cause their condition, the parental instinct says “I should be able to protect them.” The cognitive dissonance creates constant stress.

4. Society tells you to sacrifice yourself

We glorify the “martyr mother” who gives up everything for her child. So when you try to care for yourself, guilt floods in.

5. Your identity is wrapped up in their well-being

When your child suffers, you don’t just worry about them—you question your worth, your purpose, your very identity as a parent.

The Cycle That Keeps You Stuck

Here’s what happens:

1. Your child is in crisis → Your nervous system activates (fight/flight/freeze)
2. You can’t actually fight or flee (the threat is in their brain, not something you can physically combat) → Cortisol stays elevated
3. The crisis doesn’t resolve → Nervous system stays activated
4. You feel guilty for caring for yourself → You don’t rest, regulate, or recover
5. Your nervous system gets MORE dysregulated → Symptoms worsen
6. You’re less able to cope → Everything feels harder
7. Repeat

You’re stuck in a trauma loop that has no clear exit.

Why You Can’t “Just Calm Down”

Well-meaning people might tell you:

• “Just take a deep breath”
• “Try not to worry so much”
• “You need to relax”
• “Think positive”

And you want to scream because THEY DON’T GET IT.

Here’s why you can’t just calm down:

Your nervous system is not under conscious control.

When you’ve been in chronic stress for years, your autonomic nervous system (the part that regulates fight/flight/freeze) gets stuck.

It’s like a smoke alarm that won’t turn off—even when there’s no fire in THIS moment, your body is convinced there’s ALWAYS a fire.

You can’t think your way out of a nervous system problem.

You have to regulate your way out.

How to Begin Healing from Secondary Trauma

1. NAME IT

Just knowing “this is secondary trauma, not weakness” can reduce shame.

When symptoms show up, say:
“That’s my nervous system responding to chronic threat. It’s doing its job. I’m not crazy.”

2. REGULATE YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM DAILY

You can’t eliminate the stressor (your child’s condition), but you CAN teach your nervous system to come down from high alert:

• Box Breathing (4-4-4-4) – 5 minutes, 2x daily
• Cold water on face (activates vagus nerve, calms system)
• Movement (walk, yoga, stretching—releases cortisol)
• Bilateral stimulation (butterfly hug, tapping, EMDR)
• Humming/singing (vagus nerve activation)

3. CREATE WINDOWS OF SAFETY

Your nervous system needs to experience moments where the threat is NOT present.

Even if your child is still struggling, in THIS moment, right now, you are safe.

Practice saying: “Right now, in this moment, I am safe. My body can rest.”

4. BOUNDARIES (Even Mental Ones)

You can love your child AND have boundaries:

• Time boundaries: “I will check on them X times per day, not constantly”
• Mental boundaries: “I will not Google their condition at 2am”
• Emotional boundaries: “I can care deeply without carrying ALL their pain”

5. RECLAIM JOY (Even in Small Doses)

Your nervous system needs evidence that life can still have goodness in it.

Do ONE small joyful thing daily:

• 10-minute walk
• Cup of coffee in silence
• Listen to music
• Call a friend
• Pet your dog
• Sit in sunshine

Not because everything is fixed.
But because your nervous system needs to remember what “safe and calm” feels like.

The Hard Truth

You cannot heal from trauma while you’re still actively living in it.

As long as your child is in crisis, you will have some level of secondary trauma.

But you CAN:

• Reduce the severity
• Build windows of relief
• Prevent it from consuming you entirely
• Develop resilience
• Find moments of peace even in the chaos

The goal isn’t to eliminate stress.
The goal is to survive it without losing yourself entirely.

What Your Body Needs to Hear

If you could speak to your nervous system, here’s what it needs to hear:

“Thank you for trying to protect me.”

“I know you think we’re in constant danger.”

“But right now, in this moment, we are safe.”

“You can rest for a few minutes.”

“I’ve got us.”

You Are Not Weak

The fact that you’re experiencing secondary trauma doesn’t mean you’re weak.

It means you love deeply.

It means you’re human.

It means your nervous system is doing its job—trying to protect someone you love.

But you can’t protect them by destroying yourself.

You have to survive this too.