This is Part 3 of the “Weight of Words” series. Read Part 1 | Read Part 2: The Whisper Test

“You look amazing! Have you lost weight?”

These words tumble out with smiles, with enthusiasm, with genuine belief that we’re making someone’s day.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about what weight loss compliments actually communicate – and why they might not be the kindness we think they are.

The hidden message beneath the praise? You look better now than you did before. Your previous body needed improvement. I’ve been watching your body and judging it. You’re finally acceptable.

When Compliments Become Chains

Recently, I watched this dynamic play out with someone I know. She’d lost a significant amount of weight, and people couldn’t stop complimenting her. “You look so good!” “You must feel so much better!” “Good for you!”

What they didn’t know was devastating. She was barely eating. Hours at the gym became obsessive rituals that weren’t healthy. The weight loss wasn’t a triumph – it was a symptom of something breaking inside her.

Yet everyone kept praising her for it. Every compliment made it harder for her to stop, harder to admit she needed help, harder to see that what everyone celebrated was actually harming her.

Those compliments weren’t kind. They were chains.

The Hidden Crisis Behind Weight Loss

Here’s what I’ve learned working with people through trauma and recovery: Weight loss doesn’t always mean someone is thriving. Sometimes it means they’re in crisis.

Maybe they lost weight because:

• Anxiety has made eating impossible
• Devastating grief has consumed their appetite
• An illness no one knows about yet is ravaging their body
• They’re trapped in an abusive situation
• They’re struggling with an eating disorder
• Stress has made self-care feel impossible
• Medication has killed their appetite as a side effect
• Depression has made food tasteless and eating feel pointless

Every time we celebrate weight loss without knowing the story behind it, we risk celebrating someone’s suffering.

Research on eating disorders and body image shows that weight loss compliments can reinforce disordered eating patterns and delay people from seeking help.

What We’re Really Saying

Even when weight loss IS intentional and healthy, consider what we’re really communicating when we make it the first thing we comment on, the biggest compliment we can give, the most important change we notice about someone.

The underlying message becomes clear: Your body is the most interesting thing about you. Your worth is tied to your size. The most impressive thing you can do is become smaller.

A client once shared a powerful story with me. She’d gotten a significant promotion at work, published an article she was proud of, and celebrated her tenth wedding anniversary – all in the same month she lost some weight.

Guess which one everyone commented on?

“You’ve lost weight! You look fantastic!”

Not “Congratulations on your promotion.” Not “I loved your article.” Not “Ten years – that’s wonderful!”

Just: You’re smaller now, and that’s the most valuable thing you could be.

She said it made her feel invisible even as people were looking right at her.

The Impact on Everyone

Here’s something we don’t talk about enough: these compliments hurt thin people too.

That person who’s always been naturally slender? They hear the subtext loud and clear. If they ever gain weight, they’ll lose your approval. Their worth is conditional on staying small. You’re watching, measuring, judging.

For anyone who’s struggled with an eating disorder, your weight-loss compliments can be triggering – even when you’re talking about someone else. Even when you mean well.

When someone is thin because of illness, grief, or stress, your comments about how “lucky” they are to be that size feel cruel.

A Different Approach to Compliments

So what do we say instead?

What if we just said “You look great” without the weight commentary? What if we commented on someone’s energy, their smile, their confidence, their accomplishments?

What if we asked “How are you doing?” instead of “Have you lost weight?”

What if we remembered that we have no idea what’s happening in someone’s life, and that their body size is the least interesting thing about them?

The Truth About Bodies and Worth

Here’s the truth: Almost every body you encounter is either “too much” or “not enough” in someone’s eyes.

Too big. Too small. Too curvy. Too straight. Too soft. Too muscular. Too short. Too tall.

We’re all failing someone’s standard. We’re all falling short of some imaginary ideal.

So maybe – just maybe – we could stop treating body changes like they’re the ultimate achievement or the worst tragedy.

Maybe we could save our enthusiasm for the things that actually matter: how someone treats people, what they’re creating, how they’re growing, what they’re overcoming, who they’re becoming.

What Really Matters

Your body can change a hundred times in your life. Your worth doesn’t.

That person in the mirror? Valuable beyond measure at every size, every shape, every stage.

The compliments that truly build people up are the ones that see past their body to who they actually are.

Everything else? It’s just noise disguised as kindness.

And sometimes the kindest thing we can do is just… stop commenting on bodies altogether.

You are valuable beyond measure – not because of your size, but in spite of what anyone thinks about it.

CONTINUE THE SERIES:

• Part 1: Why I’m Writing This Series
• Part 2: The Whisper Test
• Part 4: Size Gaslighting (Coming soon)

RELATED READING:

• My Trauma-Informed Coaching Approach