This is Part 4 of the “Weight of Words” series. Read Part 1 | Part 2: The Whisper Test | Part 3: The Compliment That Cuts

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I’m an XL or 1X, depending on the brand and cut.

This isn’t speculation. I know this because I live in this body. Dressing it every single day means I know what fits and what doesn’t. I know what size I reach for when shopping, what size I order online, what size I need to feel comfortable and confident.

So you can imagine my surprise when I mentioned my size recently and someone immediately said: “No you’re not. You’re not that big. You’re definitely not an XL.”

As if they knew my body better than I do.

As if my lived experience of getting dressed every morning was somehow incorrect.

As if their perception of my body trumped my actual knowledge of what fits it.

This is what I call size gaslighting, and it’s more common than you think.

When “Compliments” Become Invalidation

Usually, size gaslighting comes disguised as a compliment. “You’re not THAT size – you carry it well!” or “Girl, you’re definitely not an XL!” or “You don’t look like you wear that size at all!”

Here’s what makes it so insidious: the person saying it genuinely thinks they’re being nice. They think they’re making you feel better. They think they’re giving you a compliment by denying the reality of your body.

What they’re actually doing is telling you that your size is something to be ashamed of – so shameful that they can’t even accept it’s true.

Think about it. When was the last time someone said “You’re not a small!” with that same emphatic reassurance? When did anyone ever protest “No way, you’re definitely not petite!”?

We don’t gaslight people about small sizes. We don’t argue with them. We don’t feel the need to “correct” them or “reassure” them.

We only do this with sizes we’ve decided are unacceptable.

The Hidden Messages in Size Denial

Here’s what this communication actually says:

I like you too much to admit you wear an “undesirable” size. I need to believe you’re smaller than you are so I can continue to approve of you. Your size is so problematic that I literally can’t accept it as reality. You should be ashamed to claim that size, so I’m going to deny it for you.

And perhaps most damaging: Your own knowledge of your body is less valid than my perception of it.

This isn’t just about hurt feelings. This is about invalidation.

The Pattern of Invalidation

In my work with trauma survivors, I see this pattern everywhere: people being told their own experience isn’t real, isn’t valid, isn’t what they think it is. Being told “that didn’t happen that way” or “you’re remembering it wrong” or “it wasn’t that bad.”

When you tell someone they don’t wear the size they know they wear, you’re doing the same thing. Invalidating their lived experience means telling them they can’t trust their own knowledge of their own body.

Research on body image and self-perception shows that this kind of external invalidation contributes to distorted body image and undermines self-trust.

A bizarre situation emerges where someone can’t win.

If I say I’m an XL and you tell me I’m not, what am I supposed to do with that?

The Impossible Position

Should I argue with you about my own body? Should I prove it by showing you tags? Should I feel grateful that you’re “protecting” me from the truth of my own size?

Or should I just learn to stay quiet about my body entirely, because apparently my accurate assessment of it makes people uncomfortable?

Here’s what I think is really happening:

When someone tells you “you’re not that size,” what they’re really saying is: “I can’t reconcile the size you’re telling me with the person I see in front of me – because I’ve been taught that people who wear that size are supposed to be less worthy, less attractive, less acceptable than you are.”

They like you. They value you. They think you look good.

And they can’t hold all of that alongside the “shameful” size you’ve just claimed.

Rewriting Reality Instead of Examining Bias

So instead of examining their own biases about what certain sizes are “supposed” to look like or what people who wear them are “supposed” to be worth, they just… deny your reality.

They rewrite your body to fit their worldview instead of adjusting their worldview to include bodies like yours at sizes like yours.

It’s exhausting.

Because now I’m not just navigating the world in my body – I’m managing other people’s discomfort with what size that body happens to be.

I’ve also noticed this happens in professional settings where someone’s size becomes almost… inconvenient. Where acknowledging the reality of someone’s body might mean acknowledging that your systems, your inventory, your spaces don’t actually include them. So it’s easier to just insist they’re not really that size.

“You’re not an XL!” becomes a way to avoid saying “We don’t carry your size.”

“You don’t look like you wear that!” becomes a way to avoid admitting “We didn’t think about bodies like yours when we planned this.”

The Real Impact of Size Gaslighting

But here’s what I need you to understand:

When you tell me I’m not the size I know I am, you’re not making me feel better. You’re making me feel invisible.

You’re telling me that my reality is negotiable. That my body is up for debate. That I can’t be trusted to know basic facts about my own physical existence.

You’re also reinforcing the idea that certain sizes are so terrible that they can’t be acknowledged – even when they’re literally the truth.

What If We Just Believed People?

What if we just… believed people about their own bodies?

What if when someone says “I’m an XL,” we just accept that as the neutral fact it is?

What if we didn’t treat certain sizes like confessions that need to be argued with or reassured away?

What if we understood that every size is just a size – a measurement, a number, a piece of information about what cut of fabric fits a particular body – and nothing more?

I promise you: I know what size I wear. I’ve known for years. Your denial of it doesn’t change the reality. It just makes me feel like I’m living in a world where even basic facts about my body are considered too shameful to acknowledge.

The Long-Term Consequences

Here’s the thing about gaslighting – even the well-intentioned kind:

It teaches people they can’t trust themselves. It teaches them their reality is less valid than someone else’s perception. It teaches them that certain truths about themselves are so unacceptable that even they shouldn’t speak them out loud.

And after years of this, people stop talking about their bodies at all. They stop advocating for what they need. They stop asking for accommodations. They stop existing fully in spaces because they’ve learned that the truth of their body makes others uncomfortable.

How to Respond When Someone Shares Their Size

So the next time someone tells you their size, believe them.

Don’t argue. Don’t “reassure” them. Don’t tell them they’re wrong about their own body.

Just… believe them.

It’s not a confession. It’s not a problem to be solved. It’s not something that needs your input or correction.

It’s just information. Information they’re sharing because it’s relevant, necessary, or simply true.

And they deserve to have that truth acknowledged – not debated, not denied, not dismissed.

Standing in Your Truth

Because here’s what I know for certain:

I am valuable beyond measure.

Not at the size you think I should be. Not at the size you’re comfortable acknowledging. Not when I’m small enough that you don’t have to whisper about it.

Right now. At this size. The one I actually am.

Valuable beyond measure.

And I don’t need your permission – or your denial – to know it.

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You are valuable beyond measure – and you know your own body better than anyone else ever will.

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CONTINUE THE SERIES:

• Part 1: Why I’m Writing This Series
• Part 2: The Whisper Test
• Part 3: The Compliment That Cuts
• Part 5: The Stories Bodies Tell (Coming soon)