by agenna | Nov 23, 2025 | Uncategorized
Understanding vicarious trauma in caregivers
You wake up in a panic, heart racing, drenched in sweat.
But nothing happened to YOU.
Your child is the one in crisis. You’re just the one watching.
So why does your body feel like YOU’RE the one under attack?
Because you are.
What Is Secondary Traumatic Stress?
Secondary traumatic stress (also called vicarious trauma or compassion fatigue) is what happens when you absorb someone else’s trauma into your own nervous system.
It’s the psychological and physiological impact of loving someone who’s in constant pain.
Here’s the science:
Your brain has something called mirror neurons—cells that fire both when you perform an action AND when you watch someone else perform that action.
When you watch someone you love suffer, your brain processes it as if YOU are suffering.
Your nervous system doesn’t distinguish between:
- Danger happening TO you
- Danger happening to someone you love
So when your child is in crisis, YOUR body responds as if YOU are in crisis.
Your cortisol spikes.
Your heart races.
Your muscles tense.
Your immune system weakens.
And if that crisis is CHRONIC (lasting months or years), your nervous system gets stuck in “ON” mode.
You develop symptoms that look nearly identical to PTSD—even though the trauma isn’t happening directly to you.
The Symptoms
Do you:
Re-experiencing (Intrusive Thoughts):
☐ Replay worst-case scenarios constantly
☐ Have nightmares about losing them
☐ See images of them in pain even when eyes are closed
☐ Can’t stop thinking about them even when you try
☐ Get triggered by reminders (certain songs, places, objects)
Hypervigilance (Always “On Alert”):
☐ Jump every time your phone rings
☐ Constantly check on them
☐ Scan for danger signs
☐ Can’t relax because you’re waiting for bad news
☐ Startle easily at sudden noises or movements
Avoidance:
☐ Avoid conversations about their condition
☐ Avoid your own feelings (stay busy so you don’t have to feel)
☐ Avoid things that remind you of the situation
☐ Withdraw from social situations
Negative Beliefs:
☐ “It’s my fault”
☐ “I should be able to fix this”
☐ “I’m a failure as a parent”
☐ “The world is not safe”
☐ “I can’t trust anyone/anything”
☐ “Nothing will ever be okay again”
Physical Symptoms:
☐ Exhaustion that sleep doesn’t fix
☐ Tension headaches, tight chest, stomach issues
☐ Weakened immune system (getting sick often)
☐ Chronic pain (back, neck, shoulders)
☐ Sleep disturbances
Emotional Numbing:
☐ Can’t feel joy even when good things happen
☐ Feel detached or “foggy”
☐ Loss of interest in things you used to love
☐ Feel like you’re just going through the motions
Irritability & Mood Changes:
☐ Snap at people you love
☐ Short fuse, easily frustrated
☐ Cry easily or feel on the verge of tears constantly
☐ Rage that feels disproportionate
If you checked 5 or more, you’re likely experiencing secondary traumatic stress.
Why It’s Worse for Parents
Secondary trauma hits parents especially hard because:
- You’re biologically wired to protect your child
Evolution designed your brain to keep your offspring alive. When your child is in danger (even psychological danger), your nervous system treats it as a threat to YOUR survival.
- You can’t escape the “threat”
Unlike other traumatic situations that have a clear end, your child’s struggle may be ongoing for years or decades. Your nervous system never gets a break.
- You feel responsible
Even when you logically know you didn’t cause their condition, the parental instinct says “I should be able to protect them.” The cognitive dissonance creates constant stress.
- Society tells you to sacrifice yourself
We glorify the “martyr mother” who gives up everything for her child. So when you try to care for yourself, guilt floods in.
- Your identity is wrapped up in their well-being
When your child suffers, you don’t just worry about them—you question your worth, your purpose, your very identity as a parent.
The Cycle That Keeps You Stuck
Here’s what happens:
- Your child is in crisis → Your nervous system activates (fight/flight/freeze)
- You can’t actually fight or flee (the threat is in their brain, not something you can physically combat) → Cortisol stays elevated
- The crisis doesn’t resolve → Nervous system stays activated
- You feel guilty for caring for yourself → You don’t rest, regulate, or recover
- Your nervous system gets MORE dysregulated → Symptoms worsen
- You’re less able to cope → Everything feels harder
- Repeat
You’re stuck in a trauma loop that has no clear exit.
Why You Can’t “Just Calm Down”
Well-meaning people might tell you:
- “Just take a deep breath”
- “Try not to worry so much”
- “You need to relax”
- “Think positive”
And you want to scream because THEY DON’T GET IT.
Here’s why you can’t just calm down:
Your nervous system is not under conscious control.
When you’ve been in chronic stress for years, your autonomic nervous system (the part that regulates fight/flight/freeze) gets stuck.
It’s like a smoke alarm that won’t turn off—even when there’s no fire in THIS moment, your body is convinced there’s ALWAYS a fire.
You can’t think your way out of a nervous system problem.
You have to regulate your way out.
How to Begin Healing from Secondary Trauma
- NAME IT
Just knowing “this is secondary trauma, not weakness” can reduce shame.
When symptoms show up, say:
“That’s my nervous system responding to chronic threat. It’s doing its job. I’m not crazy.”
- REGULATE YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM DAILY
You can’t eliminate the stressor (your child’s condition), but you CAN teach your nervous system to come down from high alert:
- Box Breathing (4-4-4-4) – 5 minutes, 2x daily
- Cold water on face (activates vagus nerve, calms system)
- Movement (walk, yoga, stretching—releases cortisol)
- Bilateral stimulation (butterfly hug, tapping, EMDR)
- Humming/singing (vagus nerve activation)
- CREATE WINDOWS OF SAFETY
Your nervous system needs to experience moments where the threat is NOT present.
Even if your child is still struggling, in THIS moment, right now, you are safe.
Practice saying: “Right now, in this moment, I am safe. My body can rest.”
- BOUNDARIES (Even Mental Ones)
You can love your child AND have boundaries:
- Time boundaries: “I will check on them X times per day, not constantly”
- Mental boundaries: “I will not Google their condition at 2am”
- Emotional boundaries: “I can care deeply without carrying ALL their pain”
- RECLAIM JOY (Even in Small Doses)
Your nervous system needs evidence that life can still have goodness in it.
Do ONE small joyful thing daily:
- 10-minute walk
- Cup of coffee in silence
- Listen to music
- Call a friend
- Pet your dog
- Sit in sunshine
Not because everything is fixed.
But because your nervous system needs to remember what “safe and calm” feels like.
The Hard Truth
You cannot heal from trauma while you’re still actively living in it.
As long as your child is in crisis, you will have some level of secondary trauma.
But you CAN:
- Reduce the severity
- Build windows of relief
- Prevent it from consuming you entirely
- Develop resilience
- Find moments of peace even in the chaos
The goal isn’t to eliminate stress.
The goal is to survive it without losing yourself entirely.
What Your Body Needs to Hear
If you could speak to your nervous system, here’s what it needs to hear:
“Thank you for trying to protect me.”
“I know you think we’re in constant danger.”
“But right now, in this moment, we are safe.”
“You can rest for a few minutes.”
“I’ve got us.”
You Are Not Weak
The fact that you’re experiencing secondary trauma doesn’t mean you’re weak.
It means you love deeply.
It means you’re human.
It means your nervous system is doing its job—trying to protect someone you love.
But you can’t protect them by destroying yourself.
You have to survive this too.
by agenna | Nov 23, 2025 | From The Heart
For the mother who feels guilty every time she smiles: Joy Is Not Betrayal
Dear Mama,
I know what you’re thinking.
“How can I possibly feel joy when my child is suffering?”
“How can I laugh when they’re in such darkness?”
“How can I enjoy anything when they might not survive this?”
And underneath those questions is the belief that’s holding you hostage:
“If I’m happy while they’re hurting, I’m a bad mother.”
So you’ve made an unspoken vow: I will only be well when they are well.
You’ve tied your emotional state to theirs.
Your peace to their healing.
Your joy to their survival.
And in doing so, you’ve given their illness complete control over your life.
The Lie of Joy Guilt
There’s a name for what you’re experiencing: joy guilt.
It’s the toxic belief that your happiness betrays their pain.
It sounds noble. It sounds sacrificial. It sounds like love.
But it’s a lie.
And it’s destroying you.
Because here’s the truth:
Your suffering does NOT reduce theirs.
Your misery does NOT ease their burden.
Your joylessness does NOT heal their brain.
Your constant worry does NOT keep them safer.
All it does is ensure that TWO people are drowning instead of one.
What You’re Really Saying
When you refuse to allow yourself moments of joy, here’s what you’re unconsciously communicating to your struggling child:
“Your existence is destroying me.”
“Life with pain is unbearable.”
“If you can’t be happy, neither can I.”
“You are a burden.”
I know that’s not what you mean. I know your heart is pure sacrifice and fierce love.
But that’s the message they receive when all they see is:
- Your exhaustion
- Your constant worry
- Your lost smile
- Your life consumed by their struggle
- A woman who’s disappeared into their crisis
The Paradigm Shift: Joy as Love
Now, what if I told you that reclaiming your joy is actually one of the most loving things you can do for them?
Stay with me.
If your child could see you:
- Finding moments of peace even while holding their pain
- Laughing with your spouse
- Pursuing a hobby
- Resting
- Enjoying small pleasures
- Living fully even while they struggle
What message would that send?
It would say:
“Life can still have goodness in it, even in the valley.”
“Joy and pain can coexist.”
“Your suffering doesn’t have to consume everyone around you.”
“There is still hope. Look—Mom is proof.”
You wouldn’t be abandoning them. You’d be modeling resilience.
You wouldn’t be betraying them. You’d be witnessing to hope.
Biblical Permission to Rejoice
Maybe you need scriptural permission. Here it is:
Nehemiah 8:10
“The joy of the LORD is your strength.”
Not your worry.
Not your hypervigilance.
Not your sacrifice.
Your JOY is your strength.
Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4
“For everything there is a season… a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.”
Notice: You don’t have to STOP weeping to laugh.
You don’t have to STOP mourning to dance.
Both can happen in the same day. The same hour. The same heart.
Philippians 4:4
“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.”
Paul wrote that from PRISON.
While suffering.
While facing death.
He didn’t say “rejoice when everything is fixed.”
He said “rejoice ALWAYS.”
Even in the valley.
Even in the waiting.
Even when the outcome is unknown.
Because joy is not dependent on circumstances.
It’s an act of defiance against despair.
The Most Loving Thing You Can Do
Here’s what I want you to consider:
If you only had 6 months left with your child, how would you want to spend that time?
Consumed with terror?
Drowning in fear?
So anxious you can’t be present?
Or loving them well?
Being present (not perfect, not fixing, just THERE)?
Enjoying the time you have?
Showing them what peace looks like even in uncertainty?
Your peace might be the greatest gift you ever give them.
Not because it fixes their brain.
But because it shows them that life can still be good, even when it’s hard.
What Joy Looks Like in the Valley
I’m not talking about toxic positivity.
I’m not suggesting you pretend everything is fine.
I’m not saying “just be grateful and you’ll feel better.”
I’m talking about small, defiant acts of living:
- Laughing at something funny, even while holding grief
- Taking a walk and noticing the sky
- Enjoying your coffee in the morning
- Calling a friend
- Pursuing a hobby you’ve abandoned
- Resting without guilt
- Dancing in your kitchen
- Saying yes to an invitation
- Letting yourself feel pleasure without immediately drowning it in shame
These aren’t betrayals.
These are survival strategies.
These are how you endure a marathon you never asked to run.
Talking Back to Joy Guilt
When you try to do something joyful and guilt shows up (and it will), here’s what you say:
“My joy doesn’t betray my child.”
“My peace doesn’t abandon them.”
“My laughter doesn’t mean I don’t care.”
“I can grieve AND rejoice. Both can be true.”
“The joy of the Lord is my strength.”
“God didn’t give me this one precious life to spend it entirely consumed by someone else’s pain.”
“I am allowed to be a whole person, not just their worried mother.”
“I will love them fiercely AND care for myself. Both can be true.”
The Permission You Need
So here it is, mama:
You have permission to:
- Sleep well tonight
- Enjoy a meal
- Laugh at a joke
- Take a day off from worry
- Pursue something that brings you pleasure
- Feel happiness without guilt
- Live fully even while they’re barely surviving
You have permission to be well even if they are not.
You have permission to survive this, no matter what happens to them.
Not because you love them less.
But because you are a human being with inherent worth, and your life matters too.
What They Would Want for You
One more thing:
If your child could see the full weight of how much you’re suffering FOR them—
The sleepless nights.
The lost joy.
The consumed existence.
The woman who’s disappeared.
What do you think they would want for you?
Would they want you to drown?
Or would they want you to find a way to breathe?
I’m guessing they’d want you to be okay.
Even if they can’t be okay right now.
So honor them by giving yourself permission to live.
Your Assignment
This week, do ONE thing that used to bring you joy.
Not because they’re healed.
Not because you’ve earned it.
Not because everything is okay.
But because you deserve to remember what it feels like to be YOU.
- Call a friend
- Go for a drive with the windows down
- Read a book for pleasure
- Walk in nature
- Go to the movies
- Sit in silence with coffee and watch the sunrise/sunset
Do it even if guilt comes.
Do it even if your brain screams “You shouldn’t be enjoying this.”
Do it anyway.
Because joy is not betrayal.
Joy is resistance.
Joy is hope.
Joy is the proof that darkness doesn’t get the last word.
You are allowed to live, mama.
Even now.
Even in this.
God wants you to.
by agenna | Nov 22, 2025 | Uncategorized
Part 2 of 3: Surviving Thanksgiving as a Trauma Survivor
Thanksgiving Safety Plan for Trauma Survivors
You’ve decided to go.
Maybe you weighed your options and determined you can handle it with the right preparation. Maybe you’re not ready to face the fallout of not going. Maybe you have kids who want to see their cousins, or elderly relatives you don’t want to disappoint.
Whatever your reasons—they’re valid.
But let me be clear: attending Thanksgiving when your abuser will be there requires a plan.
Not just a “I’ll be fine” hope. Not just “maybe they won’t even talk to me.” An actual, detailed safety plan that protects your wellbeing, your peace, and your healing.
This isn’t about being dramatic. This is about being prepared.
Your nervous system doesn’t care about your reasons for going. It just knows: danger ahead. So let’s give it what it needs to feel as safe as possible.
Before We Go Further: Should You Really Attend?
I want you to honestly answer these questions. Not the answers you think you should give. The real answers.
Assessment Questions:
- Physical Safety: Are you in any physical danger from this person? (If yes, do not go.)
- Support System: Will you have at least one safe person there who knows the situation?
- Autonomy: Do you have your own transportation so you can leave whenever you need to?
- Boundaries: Can you realistically maintain boundaries without being punished or guilted?
- Recovery Time: Do you have the following day off to recover and process?
- Worst Case Scenario: If your abuser confronts you, talks to you, or triggers you—can you handle that today? Not “should” you be able to—CAN you?
- Gut Check: When you imagine walking through that door, what does your body tell you? (Your body knows. Listen to it.)
If you answered “no” to questions 2, 3, 4, or 5—or if question 7 makes you want to throw up—it’s okay to change your mind about going.
Deciding not to attend after saying you would is not failure. It’s wisdom.
But if you’re still going, let’s build you a safety plan.
Your Safety Plan: The Non-Negotiables
These are not suggestions. These are requirements for attending Thanksgiving when your abuser will be there.
- Identify Your Support Person
This person:_________________________________________________________
- Knows about your history (at least that there’s an issue)
- Understands they’re your lifeline for the day
- Agrees to stay physically close to you
- Will help you exit without questions if needed
- Won’t minimize your feelings or push you to “give them a chance”
Tell them in advance: “I need you to be my support person on Thursday. If I say [code word], I need to leave immediately. Can you help me with that?”
Code words that work:
- “I’m getting a headache”
- “Did you check on the dog?”
- “I’m really tired”
- “Can we talk outside for a minute?”
Practice these. Your support person needs to know what they mean.
- Secure Your Own Transportation
Non-negotiable.
You must be able to leave whenever you need to—without asking permission, explaining, or waiting for someone else to be ready.
This means:
- Drive yourself (ideal)
- Have Uber/Lyft app ready with payment set up
- Have a friend on standby to pick you up
- Have your keys accessible at all times (not buried in a coat closet)
Do not carpool unless your support person is driving and agrees to leave when you say so.
- Plan Your Physical Positioning
Strategic placement matters:
✓ Sit near an exit – Always have a clear path out ✓ Don’t sit next to or across from your abuser – Maintain maximum distance ✓ Position near your support person – Close enough to make eye contact ✓ Avoid isolated spaces – Stay where others can see you ✓ Know where bathrooms are – Your emergency escape location
If someone tries to seat you next to your abuser: “I’m sitting here, thanks.” (Don’t explain. Don’t apologize.)
- Set Time Limits
Decide in advance:
- What time you’ll arrive
- What time you’ll leave
- Maximum time you’re willing to stay
Example: “I’ll arrive at 2 PM and leave by 5 PM. Three hours maximum.”
Set an alarm on your phone. When it goes off, you leave—even if dinner isn’t served yet, even if someone protests, even if you feel guilty.
Your time boundary is sacred.
- Establish Your Alcohol Boundary
Here’s the truth: Alcohol lowers your defenses, reduces your ability to maintain boundaries, and makes you more vulnerable.
My strong recommendation: Limit yourself to one drink maximum, or ideally, none.
I know that might sound harsh, especially when you’re nervous. But you need your full nervous system online to protect yourself.
If family pressures you to drink more: “I’m good, thanks.” (Repeat as needed. You don’t owe an explanation.)
Boundary Phrases to Practice NOW
Don’t wait until you’re triggered to figure out what to say. Practice these now. Out loud. Until they feel natural.
If Your Abuser Tries to Talk to You:
Short responses:
- “I’d rather not.”
- “I’m not interested in talking.”
- “Excuse me.” (Walk away—you don’t need permission)
If they persist:
- “I’ve said no. Please respect that.”
- “This conversation is over.”
You don’t need to:
- Explain why
- Be polite
- Make it comfortable for them
- Worry about what others think
If Someone Pushes You to Interact:
“You should go say hi to [abuser].” → “I’m good where I am.”
“Come on, it’s Thanksgiving. Be nice.” → “I am being nice—to myself.”
“You’re being rude.” → “I’m setting a boundary. That’s different.”
“What will people think?” → “I’m more concerned with my wellbeing than appearances.”
“But they’re family.” → “And I’m taking care of myself.”
If Your Abuser Directly Engages You:
Remember: You are not required to respond.
Silence is a complete sentence. Walking away is a valid response. “No” needs no justification.
Your Emergency Phrases:
To your support person:
- “I need to leave now.”
- “Can you come with me?”
- [Your code word]
To the group (as you leave):
- “I need to go. Thanks for having me.”
- “I’m not feeling well. See you later.”
- “Something came up. I’ll talk to you soon.”
You do NOT need to:
- Explain where you’re going
- Justify why you’re leaving
- Ask permission to take care of yourself
Your Grounding Toolkit
Pack these physically or have them ready on your phone:
Physical Items:
- Ice pack or cold water bottle (temperature shock grounds you)
- Strong mints or gum (scent grounding)
- Stress ball or fidget tool (tactile grounding)
- Comforting scent (essential oil, favorite perfume)
- Emergency contacts (saved and ready)
- Your safety card (index card with grounding steps)
On Your Phone:
- Calming playlist (create it now)
- Grounding app (Calm, Headspace, Insight Timer)
- Photos that make you feel safe (pets, places, people)
- Voice memo to yourself (record encouragement when calm)
- This blog post (so you can re-read it if needed)
The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique
When you feel triggered, find:
5 things you can SEE (The table, a painting, your shoes, the window, a plant)
4 things you can TOUCH (Your chair, your clothes, the table, your phone)
3 things you can HEAR (Conversation, music, dishes clinking)
2 things you can SMELL (Food, candles, coffee, someone’s perfume)
1 thing you can TASTE (Your drink, gum, the meal)
This works because: It pulls you out of your triggered brain and into the present moment using your five senses.
Practice this NOW, before Thursday, so you can do it automatically when you need it.
What to Do If You’re Triggered During Dinner
Signs you’re triggered:
- Heart racing or pounding
- Feeling frozen or unable to move
- Sudden overwhelming emotion
- Disconnecting from your body
- Mind going blank
- Urge to run or hide
Your immediate response options:
Option 1: Bathroom Break
“Excuse me.” (Stand up and go—you don’t need permission)
Once in the bathroom:
- Lock the door
- Splash cold water on your face
- Do the 5-4-3-2-1 technique
- Text your support person
- Take as long as you need
- Return only when you’re ready
If someone knocks: “I’ll be out in a minute.” (Take five more.)
Option 2: “I Need Air”
“I’m going to step outside for a minute.”
Outside:
- Walk around
- Feel your feet on the ground
- Notice the temperature
- Take deep breaths (in for 4, out for 6)
- Call your support person or a safe friend
- Decide if you’re returning or leaving
Option 3: Early Exit
“I’m not feeling well. I need to head out. Thanks for having me.”
Then leave.
You don’t need:
- A detailed medical explanation
- To wait for the “right” moment
- Permission from anyone
- To feel guilty about taking care of yourself
Before, During, and After Self-Care
BEFORE (The Day Before and Morning Of):
Prep your nervous system:
- Get good sleep the night before
- Eat a solid breakfast
- Move your body (walk, yoga, anything)
- Do a grounding exercise
- Review your safety plan
- Text your support person to confirm
- Set your time boundary alarm
- Pack your grounding toolkit
- Remind yourself: “I can leave anytime”
Self-talk for the morning:
- “I have a plan.”
- “I have support.”
- “I can leave whenever I need to.”
- “My safety is the priority.”
- “I’m doing this on MY terms.”
DURING:
Micro self-care moments:
- Take bathroom breaks as needed
- Step outside when overwhelmed
- Check in with your body every 30 minutes
- Use your grounding techniques preemptively
- Stay near your support person
- Eat (low blood sugar makes triggers worse)
- Drink water (dehydration increases anxiety)
- Watch the clock—honor your time boundary
Permission statements:
- “I can leave.”
- “I don’t have to explain.”
- “My comfort matters.”
- “This is temporary.”
AFTER (That Evening and Next Day):
Immediate decompression (within 1 hour of leaving):
- Change into comfortable clothes
- Do something physical (cry, scream into pillow, shake it out)
- Eat comfort food
- Journal about what happened
- Text your support person or therapist
- Use weighted blanket or take hot shower
- Watch comfort show or read comfort book
DO NOT:
- Numb out with alcohol/substances
- Analyze your “performance”
- Beat yourself up for any “mistakes”
- Make any big decisions tonight
Next day recovery:
- Sleep in if possible
- Gentle movement (walk, stretch)
- Process with safe person or therapist
- Celebrate that you survived
- Notice what worked and what didn’t
- No contact with family yet (give yourself space)
Your Emergency Exit Strategy
Despite your best planning, here are the situations where you leave immediately:
- Your abuser approaches you directly
- Someone pressures you to hug/touch your abuser
- You feel physically unsafe
- You’re dissociating badly
- Panic attack that won’t subside
- Your boundary is repeatedly violated
- Your gut screams “LEAVE NOW”
How to execute:
- Grab your stuff (keys, phone, coat)
- Find your support person OR text them “I’m leaving”
- Say ONE sentence: “I need to go. Thanks.”
- Walk out
- Drive/Uber away
- Text someone safe once you’re gone
Do NOT:
- Give a detailed explanation
- Wait for anyone’s approval
- Apologize excessively
- Let anyone talk you into staying
Text to send your support person once you’re safe: “I left. I’m okay. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
Remember: You Can Always Change Your Mind
Right up until you walk through that door—you can turn around.
Even after you arrive—you can leave.
There is no prize for enduring a traumatic Thanksgiving.
There is no award for toughing it out.
There is no badge of honor for sacrificing your peace.
As I write in Healing What Hides in the Shadows: “Boundaries aren’t walls that keep everyone out. Boundaries are knowing what feels okay and what doesn’t. Think of them like the walls of a house—they aren’t there to trap you inside, they’re there to create a safe space where you choose who enters.”
Your abuser doesn’t get automatic access to you just because it’s Thanksgiving.
The door to your peace? You hold the key.
You’re Not Going Into Battle Unprepared
Look at what you’ve done:
- You’ve assessed whether you should really go
- You’ve identified your support person
- You’ve secured transportation
- You’ve practiced boundary phrases
- You’ve packed your grounding toolkit
- You’ve set time limits
- You’ve planned your physical positioning
- You’ve prepared before, during, and after care
- You’ve created an emergency exit strategy
You’re not white-knuckling through this. You have a PLAN.
And that plan includes the most important permission: the permission to leave.
You’re not trapped. You’re not helpless. You’re not the person you were when the abuse happened.
You’re an adult with agency, resources, and the wisdom to protect yourself.
A Final Word Before Thursday
If you make it through Thanksgiving using every tool in this post—that’s success.
If you make it through but leave early—that’s success.
If you get there and immediately turn around—that’s success.
If you decide Wednesday night not to go after all—that’s success.
Success is not enduring abuse for the sake of a holiday.
Success is protecting yourself, on your terms, with the resources you have.
You survived the original abuse. You don’t have to survive every family gathering too.
Your healing matters more than anyone’s comfort. Your safety matters more than tradition. Your peace matters more than appearances.
If you attend Thanksgiving, do it with this safety plan. If you can’t follow this safety plan, don’t attend.
It’s that simple.
You’ve got this. And if you don’t got this? You’ve got permission to leave.
What’s Next
This is Part 2 of our 3-part series: Surviving Thanksgiving as a Trauma Survivor
- Part 1 (November 18): You Don’t Have to Go: Permission to Skip Thanksgiving – Read it here
- Part 2: If You’re Going: Your Safety Plan & Boundary Guide (You are here)
- Part 3 (Coming Soon) After the Holiday: Processing, Recovery & What to Do If Boundaries Were Crossed
Coming Soon: What to do after Thanksgiving—processing what happened, recovering from any boundary violations, forgiving yourself for any “failures,” and planning differently for December holidays.
Download Your Free Safety Plan Checklist
Want this safety plan in a printable format? Download my free Thanksgiving Safety Plan Checklist to keep with you on Thursday.
Includes:
- Assessment questions
- Boundary phrase reminders
- 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique
- Emergency exit steps
- Before/during/after self-care checklist
Agenna Mathley is a certified Life and Mindset Coach specializing in trauma-informed coaching for survivors. Her book, “Healing What Hides in the Shadows: A Private Journey Through Sexual Trauma Recovery,” offers practical tools for healing without requiring disclosure. Learn more at coachagenna.com.
If you’re in crisis:
- RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
- Crisis Text Line: Text HELLO to 741741
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
by agenna | Nov 15, 2025 | Uncategorized
Part 1 of 3: Surviving Thanksgiving as a Trauma Survivor
It’s happening again. The group text is lighting up your phone. “Who’s bringing what?” “What time should we arrive?” “Can’t wait to see everyone!”
And there it is—that familiar knot in your stomach. The tightness in your chest. The mental calculation you’ve been doing for weeks: Will they be there? Can I handle it? What excuse can I use this time?
Let me stop you right there.
You don’t need an excuse.
The Truth Nobody Says Out Loud
You don’t have to go home for Thanksgiving if your abuser will be there.
Read that again. Let it sink in.
You don’t have to sit across the table from the person who hurt you. You don’t have to make small talk with someone who violated you. You don’t have to pretend everything is fine while your nervous system screams danger. You don’t have to sacrifice your peace, your safety, or your healing for mashed potatoes and tradition.
Going home for Thanksgiving when your abuser will be there isn’t brave—it’s optional.
And choosing not to go? That’s not weakness. That’s not being dramatic. That’s not “letting them win.”
That’s wisdom.
Why This Is Actually the Brave Choice
Society has it backwards. We’re told that showing up to family gatherings no matter what is the “right” thing to do. That “keeping the peace” is admirable. That forgiveness means sitting at the same table as the person who harmed you.
But here’s what actual bravery looks like:
Bravery is recognizing that your safety matters more than tradition.
Bravery is disappointing people who would rather you stay silent than speak your truth.
Bravery is choosing healing over the comfort of everyone else.
Bravery is saying “no” when your nervous system is screaming “danger” and everyone around you is saying “but it’s family.”
The scared version of you that keeps showing up year after year, enduring triggering situations while smiling through dinner? That’s not strength—that’s survival mode. And you’ve survived enough.
You survived the abuse. You don’t have to keep surviving every family gathering too.
You Don’t Owe Anyone These Things
As Thanksgiving approaches and the pressure mounts, let me be very clear about what you DON’T owe anyone:
You don’t owe them:
- Your presence
- An explanation that satisfies them
- Forgiveness on their timeline
- Politeness toward your abuser
- Pretending everything is fine
- Protecting your abuser’s reputation
- Family harmony at the cost of your wellbeing
- Another Thanksgiving of white-knuckling through dinner
- Your silence
- Your peace of mind
- One more chance
What you DO deserve:
- Safety
- Respect for your boundaries
- A holiday that doesn’t retraumatize you
- To be believed when you say “I can’t”
- Time and space to heal
- People who prioritize your wellbeing over appearances
As I write in my book Healing What Hides in the Shadows, “You don’t owe anyone silence. Family comfort doesn’t trump your healing.”
Your story belongs to you. Your Thanksgiving belongs to you. Your healing belongs to you.
How to Communicate Your Decision
If you’ve decided not to attend Thanksgiving, you might be wondering: How do I tell them?
First, remember: You don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation. But if you want to communicate your decision, here are some approaches:
The Direct Approach
“I won’t be attending Thanksgiving this year. I’ve made this decision for my wellbeing, and it’s not up for discussion.”
The Boundary-Setting Approach
“I’ll only attend if [abuser’s name] is not there. Otherwise, I’ll need to skip this year.”
The Alternative Offer
“I won’t be there on Thursday, but I’d love to see you on Friday for coffee if you’re free.”
The Simple Decline
“I have other plans this year. Hope you have a great holiday.”
The Honest Approach (for safe people only)
“I’m not comfortable being around [person] right now. I need to prioritize my mental health this holiday season.”
Important: You are NOT required to:
- Justify your decision
- Provide proof of harm
- Convince anyone you’re making the right choice
- Engage in lengthy explanations or debates
- Answer invasive questions
- Negotiate or compromise your boundary
If someone pushes back, you can repeat: “This isn’t up for discussion. I need you to respect my decision.”
Dealing With Guilt and Pressure
The guilt might feel overwhelming. You might hear (from others or from that voice in your head):
“But it’s Thanksgiving!”
“You’re ruining the holiday for everyone.”
“You need to forgive and move on.”
“It was so long ago.”
“They’re family—you can’t just abandon family.”
“You’re being too sensitive.”
“What will everyone think?”
Let me reframe every single one of those:
“But it’s Thanksgiving!”
→ Thanksgiving is supposed to feel safe. When it doesn’t, you have every right to opt out.
“You’re ruining the holiday.”
→ The person who abused you ruined things long before you set a boundary.
“You need to forgive and move on.”
→ Forgiveness doesn’t require proximity. You can forgive (if/when you choose to) from a distance.
“It was so long ago.”
→ Trauma doesn’t have an expiration date. Your healing happens on your timeline, not theirs.
“They’re family.”
→ Family doesn’t get automatic access to hurt you repeatedly. Being related by blood doesn’t erase harm.
“You’re being too sensitive.”
→ Your sensitivity is your nervous system trying to protect you. That’s wisdom, not weakness.
“What will everyone think?”
→ Anyone who prioritizes appearances over your safety doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
The guilt you feel? That’s not your conscience. That’s your conditioning.
You were taught that family comes first (even abusive family), that you should forgive and forget (even without apology or change), that your feelings matter less than everyone else’s comfort, and that missing holidays is wrong (even when attending harms you).
None of that is true.
Alternative Ways to Spend Thanksgiving
If you’re not going home, you might be wondering: What do I do instead?
Here are some meaningful alternatives that honor your healing:
Create Your Own Celebration
- Friendsgiving with people who feel truly safe
- Solo sanctuary – make your favorite meal, watch movies you love, rest deeply
- Potluck with other people who can’t/won’t go home – you’re not alone in this
Give Back
- Volunteer at a shelter, soup kitchen, or community center
- Serve others who also can’t go home—there’s healing in shared understanding
Travel or Adventure
- Visit a place that brings you peace
- Take that trip you’ve been wanting to take
- Explore a new city where you can be anonymous and free
Work or Routine
- Some survivors find comfort in working the holiday
- Keeping your normal routine can feel safer than disruption
Rest and Restore
- This is a GREAT day to sleep in, read, take a bath, journal
- Give yourself permission to do absolutely nothing
Start New Traditions
- This is your chance to redefine what Thanksgiving means to you
- What would feel nourishing? Joyful? Peaceful? Do that.
Remember: You’re not missing out. You’re choosing differently. And that takes more courage than showing up to a harmful situation ever would.
What to Tell Yourself When You Doubt
The days leading up to Thanksgiving might be hard. You might second-guess yourself. You might wonder if you’re making the right choice.
When doubt creeps in, come back to these truths:
✓ “My safety is not negotiable.”
✓ “I don’t have to earn the right to protect myself.”
✓ “Choosing my wellbeing over tradition is valid.”
✓ “My healing matters more than their comfort.”
✓ “I survived the abuse. I don’t have to survive every family dinner too.”
✓ “Not going doesn’t mean I’m weak—it means I’m wise.”
✓ “This decision honors the part of me that needed protection and didn’t get it.”
✓ “I’m not abandoning anyone. I’m choosing myself.”
And here’s the most important one:
“This feeling will pass. My safety is worth the temporary discomfort of going against expectations.”
You’re Not Alone in This
If you’re reading this and feeling seen—you’re not alone. Thousands of trauma survivors face this exact decision every holiday season. Some skip. Some go with safety plans. Some do both at different points in their healing.
There’s no “right” answer except the one that protects your wellbeing.
What I know for certain after years of working with trauma survivors is this: Every single person who has prioritized their safety over family obligation has told me they’re glad they did it. Not one has regretted choosing themselves.
The regrets always come from the years they didn’t protect themselves. The holidays they white-knuckled through. The dinners that set their healing back months.
You won’t regret choosing safety. You’ll regret the years you didn’t.
Your Healing Matters Most
Thanksgiving will come and go. Family dynamics will shift and change. But your healing? That’s forever. That’s the foundation of the rest of your life.
Every time you choose your safety, you’re telling that hurt part of yourself: “I’ve got you now. I’m the adult who protects you. You don’t have to go through that again.”
That’s not selfish. That’s sacred.
As I write in Healing What Hides in the Shadows: A Private Journey Through Sexual Trauma Recovery, “Boundaries aren’t walls that keep everyone out. Boundaries are knowing what feels okay and what doesn’t. Think of them like the walls of a house—they aren’t there to trap you inside, they’re there to create a safe space where you choose who enters.”
Your abuser doesn’t get automatic access just because it’s a holiday.
The door to your peace? You hold the key.
What’s Next
This is Part 1 of our 3-part series: Surviving Thanksgiving as a Trauma Survivor
- Part 2: If You’re Going: Your Thanksgiving Safety Plan & Boundary Guide – For those who’ve decided to attend but need strategies to stay safe
Download your Safety Plan here
- Part 3: After the Holiday: Processing, Recovery & What to Do If Boundaries Were Crossed
Coming Friday: If you’ve decided you ARE going to Thanksgiving despite your abuser being there, Part 2 will give you a comprehensive safety plan, boundary scripts, grounding techniques, and emergency strategies to protect yourself.
A Final Word
If you skip Thanksgiving this year, know this: You’re not ruining anything. You’re reclaiming something.
You’re reclaiming your right to safety. Your right to peace. Your right to heal on your terms, at your pace, without performing for anyone.
That’s not missing out. That’s showing up—for yourself.
And after everything you’ve been through, you deserve someone who shows up for you. Even if—especially if—that someone has to be you.
You’ve survived worse than a missed Thanksgiving. Trust yourself.
If you’re in crisis:
- RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
- Crisis Text Line: Text HELLO to 741741
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
Your turn: Are you facing this decision this Thanksgiving? What’s been most helpful as you navigate this choice? Share in the comments below—your experience might help another survivor feeling alone in this struggle.
Agenna Mathley is a certified Life and Mindset Coach specializing in trauma-informed coaching for survivors. Her book, “Healing What Hides in the Shadows: A Private Journey Through Sexual Trauma Recovery,” offers practical tools for healing without requiring disclosure. Learn more at coachagenna.com.
by agenna | Nov 13, 2025 | Uncategorized
When I first began my journey as a trauma-informed coach, I knew that understanding trauma wasn’t enough. I needed to create a space where healing could actually happen—where survivors could feel safe enough to do the deep work without having to relive their pain or prove their story to yet another person.
Over the years, I’ve learned that being trauma-informed isn’t just about what I know; it’s about how I show up. It’s woven into every conversation, every session, and every email I send. SAMHSA’s six trauma-informed principles aren’t just professional guidelines for me; they’re the foundation of how I meet people where they are, believe their truth, and equip them for real life.
Let me share how these trauma-informed care principles come alive in my coaching practice.
Safety: Creating Space Where You Can Breathe
Safety is always my first priority in trauma-informed coaching, but here’s what I’ve learned: safety looks different for everyone.
For some clients, safety means knowing exactly what to expect in our sessions. For others, it’s the freedom to change their mind, to say, “I’m not ready to talk about that today,” without explanation. I never assume I know what makes someone feel safe—I ask.
In practical terms, this means I’m intentional about everything from where we meet (or whether we meet virtually) to how I respond when someone shares something vulnerable. I don’t push. I don’t probe. I let you set the pace. My role is to hold the space while you decide what feels right for you.
I also pay attention to emotional safety. Trauma survivors have often been told their feelings are too much, too dramatic, and not valid. In my coaching space, your feelings are always welcome. All of them. Even the messy, contradictory ones that don’t make logical sense.
Trustworthiness and Transparency: No Hidden Agendas Here
Trust is earned, not assumed—especially when you’ve been through trauma.
From our very first conversation, I’m clear about what trauma recovery coaching is and isn’t. I explain confidentiality and its limits. I’m upfront about my process, my approach, and what you can expect from me. If something isn’t working, I want to know. If you’re feeling stuck or uncomfortable, that’s important information, not a problem to be fixed.
I also believe in being real with you. I’m not going to pretend I have all the answers or that healing from trauma follows a neat, linear path. Sometimes the work is hard. Sometimes we take two steps forward and one step back. I’ll always be honest with you about that—because you deserve transparency, not false promises.
And when I make a mistake (because I’m human and I will), I own it. I apologize. I course-correct. That’s how trust is built—through consistency and accountability.
Peer Support: You’re Not Alone in This
One of the most powerful realizations in trauma recovery is this: you’re not the only one.
While I maintain appropriate professional boundaries, I’ve learned that there’s incredible healing in knowing others have walked similar paths. That’s why I wrote Healing What Hides in the Shadows—to let survivors know they’re not alone, even if they choose to heal privately.
In coaching, I sometimes share (with permission, anonymously) how other clients have navigated similar challenges. Not to tell you what to do, but to show you the possibilities. To remind you that if someone else found their way through, so can you.
I also encourage you to find your people—whether that’s a trusted friend, a faith community, or others who understand your journey. Healing doesn’t have to happen in isolation. In fact, it often can’t.
Collaboration and Mutuality: This Is Your Journey, Not Mine
Here’s something I’m passionate about: I’m not here to fix you, because you’re not broken.
You’re the expert on your own life. You know what you need better than I ever could. My job is to walk alongside you, to ask the questions that help you access your own wisdom, and to reflect back the strength I see in you that trauma may have temporarily hidden from view.
This means we’re partners in this work. You set the goals. You decide what we focus on. You determine what healing from trauma looks like for you. I bring tools, frameworks, and a safe space to explore—but you’re always in the driver’s seat.
I also believe in leveling the power dynamic as much as possible. Yes, I’m the coach, but that doesn’t make me more important or more valuable than you. We’re two human beings, sitting together, figuring out how to help you live the life you want and deserve.
Empowerment: Helping You Remember Who You Are
Trauma can make you forget your own strength. It can convince you that you’re powerless, that you’re defined by what happened to you, and that you’re somehow less than.
I’ve built my entire trauma-informed coaching practice around helping you remember the truth: you are valuable beyond measure.
Every coaching session is designed to help you reconnect with your inherent worth and reclaim your power. We focus on what you can control, not what you can’t. We identify the skills and resilience you’ve already demonstrated—because surviving trauma takes incredible strength, even if you don’t see it that way yet.
I never approach you from a deficit mindset. I don’t focus on what’s “wrong” with you or what needs to be “fixed.” Instead, we build on your strengths. We explore what’s already working. We discover new possibilities you maybe haven’t considered before.
Because here’s what I know: healing isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about becoming more fully yourself.
Cultural, Historical, and Gender Responsiveness: Seeing All of You
Trauma doesn’t happen in a vacuum, and neither does healing.
Your story is shaped by your culture, your history, your identity, and your experiences of how the world has treated you. I can’t create a truly safe space if I’m not honoring all of who you are.
This means I actively work to understand your unique context—not to make assumptions based on stereotypes, but to truly see you. It means I’m continuously learning about different cultures, experiences, and perspectives. It means I recognize that healing practices that work for one person might not work for another, and that’s okay.
It also means I understand that some trauma is generational, some is systemic, and some comes from being marginalized or othered. I don’t dismiss these realities, and I don’t expect you to heal from collective trauma through individual willpower alone.
For my clients of faith, I honor that. For those who aren’t, I honor that too. For those navigating trauma related to their gender, sexuality, race, or other aspects of their identity, I create space for all of it.
You get to bring your whole self to our coaching relationship—because you deserve to be seen, heard, and valued exactly as you are.
The Heart of Trauma-Informed Coaching
At the end of the day, these six trauma-informed principles all point to the same truth: you matter. Your healing matters. Your story matters.
Trauma-informed coaching isn’t just a set of techniques I learned in a manual. It’s a commitment I make every single day to create a space where healing can happen on your terms, at your pace, in your way.
Because you’ve already survived the hardest part. Now it’s time to learn how to thrive.
If you’re ready to begin your healing journey with someone who will meet you where you are, believe your truth, and equip you for real life, I’d be honored to walk alongside you.
You are valuable beyond measure—and I see that, even if you don’t quite see it yet.
Ready to Experience Trauma-Informed Coaching?
Schedule your free consultation call and let’s talk about what healing could look like for you.
Explore my coaching services: Learn more about working with me
Read my story: Healing What Hides in the Shadows is available now on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and IngramSpark.
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