Let’s Talk About What Nobody Talks About: Porn, Shame, and the Search for Control
Part 2 of the “Questions Nobody Asks Out Loud” Series
Okay, deep breath. We’re going there.
This is the blog post you’re reading in incognito mode. The one you’ll probably close if someone walks into the room. The topic that makes even therapists squirm a little.
But here’s the thing: if we keep treating certain topics like they’re too shameful to discuss, shame wins. And shame is exactly what keeps you stuck, isolated, and convinced you’re the only one struggling with this.
So let’s talk about porn. And control. And why trauma survivors sometimes end up in a complicated relationship with sexuality that nobody prepared them for.
No judgment. No shame. Just honest conversation about the questions you’ve been too afraid to ask.
In This Post:
- Why trauma survivors turn to porn when triggered or stressed
- The difference between coping mechanism and addiction
- Why you feel aroused by things that remind you of abuse
- Whether healthy sexuality is possible after trauma
- What to do when you can’t stop the cycle alone
The Questions Nobody Asks (But Everyone Wonders)
Question 1: “Why do I turn to porn when I’m triggered or stressed?”
Because your brain is trying to solve a problem, and it’s using the tools it has—even if those tools aren’t actually helping.
Here’s what’s happening: When you experienced sexual trauma, your brain got wired to associate sexuality with a confusing mix of powerlessness, fear, shame, and sometimes physical sensation. That’s a lot for a developing nervous system to process.
For some survivors, porn becomes a way to:
Reclaim control. During abuse, you had no control over what happened to your body. With porn, you control what you see, when you see it, when it starts, when it stops. You’re the one in charge. That feeling of control can be intoxicating when you’ve felt powerless.
Manage overwhelming emotions. Anxiety, shame, loneliness, anger—these feelings are intense and uncomfortable. Sexual arousal (even if it’s not connected to genuine desire) temporarily floods your system with different chemicals. It’s like hitting a reset button on your nervous system. Except it’s not actually resetting anything—it’s just distracting you.
Avoid real intimacy. Real intimacy requires vulnerability, and vulnerability feels dangerous when someone used your vulnerability to hurt you. Porn offers a simulation of sexuality without the terrifying risk of actually being seen by another person.
Process confusing feelings about sexuality. If your first introduction to sexuality was abuse, you might use porn to try to understand what “normal” sexuality looks like, or to figure out what you’re supposed to feel, or to explore feelings you’re ashamed to have.
“None of this makes you a bad person. It makes you a hurt person trying to cope with pain you were never supposed to carry.”
Question 2: “But isn’t porn always bad? Doesn’t it make everything worse?”
This is where I’m going to give you a nuanced answer you won’t find in most places.
Porn itself isn’t the core problem—but it’s often not the solution either.
From a Biblical perspective, I believe sexuality is meant to be expressed in the context of committed relationship, intimacy, and genuine connection. Porn strips sexuality down to images on a screen, disconnected from relationship, often depicting dynamics that are exploitative or degrading. That’s not what our Creator intended.
But here’s what I also know: shame about using porn often does more damage than the porn itself.
When you’re already drowning in shame from abuse, adding another layer of “I’m disgusting for watching this” creates a shame spiral that makes everything worse. You feel bad, you turn to porn to numb the bad feeling, you feel worse because you used porn, so you use more porn to numb that feeling, and the cycle continues.
Breaking this cycle isn’t about shaming yourself into stopping. It’s about understanding what you’re really looking for and finding healthier ways to get it.
The question isn’t “Am I bad for using porn?” The question is: “What am I actually trying to get from this, and is it working?”
Key Insight:
Breaking the shame cycle requires understanding, not self-punishment.
The cycle: Feel bad → Use porn to cope → Feel worse about using porn → Use more porn to cope with that shame → Repeat
The breakthrough: Understand what you’re actually seeking → Find healthier ways to meet those needs → Break the pattern with compassion, not condemnation
Question 3: “What’s the difference between using porn as a coping mechanism and actual addiction?”
Good question. And honestly, the line can be blurry.
Coping mechanism means you’re using porn to manage difficult emotions, trauma responses, or stress—but you could stop if you really wanted to. It’s a choice (even if it doesn’t always feel like one).
Addiction means you’ve lost the ability to choose. You want to stop, you’ve tried to stop, but you keep going back even when it’s causing significant problems in your life—relationships falling apart, job performance suffering, legal consequences, financial issues.
Here’s how to tell the difference:
You might be coping (not addicted) if:
- You can go days or weeks without it when life is stable
- You use it primarily when triggered or stressed
- You can stop when you want to, even if it’s hard
- It’s not causing major life problems (yet)
You might be dealing with addiction if:
- You’ve tried to stop multiple times and can’t
- You’re spending hours daily that you can’t account for
- You’re risking important relationships or your job
- You feel completely powerless to stop
- You’re escalating to more extreme content to get the same effect
- You’re experiencing withdrawal symptoms when you try to stop
If you’re in the addiction category, you need more support than a blog post can offer—a therapist who specializes in both trauma and compulsive sexual behavior, possibly a support group, and definitely more intensive work.
If you’re in the coping category, there’s hope for developing healthier ways to manage what you’re feeling. That’s where tools like nervous system regulation, grounding techniques, and addressing the underlying trauma become essential.
Question 4: “Why do I feel aroused by things that remind me of my abuse?”
Oh, this one. This is the question that makes people feel like they’re truly, deeply broken.
You’re not.
Here’s what’s happening: Your brain wired sexuality and trauma together because they happened at the same time. When your brain was developing its understanding of “sexuality,” abuse was part of that picture. So now, those neural pathways are connected in ways that feel disturbing and shameful.
This is called trauma bonding or traumatic arousal, and it’s a recognized phenomenon. It doesn’t mean you wanted the abuse. It doesn’t mean you liked it. It doesn’t mean you’re destined to repeat it.
It means your brain made connections during a formative time that now need to be gently rewired.
Some survivors find themselves aroused by:
- Scenarios that involve powerlessness or coercion
- Dynamics that mirror the abuse
- Content that would have disturbed them before the trauma
And then they spiral into shame: “What’s wrong with me? Why would this turn me on? Does this mean I wanted it? Am I going to become an abuser?”
No. You’re experiencing a trauma response, not a character flaw.
“Arousal doesn’t equal desire. Your body can respond to stimuli even when your values, your heart, and your actual desires are saying something completely different.”
Healing this doesn’t mean shaming yourself into “thinking pure thoughts.” It means:
- Understanding why these connections formed
- Developing compassion for yourself instead of disgust
- Working with a trauma-informed therapist or coach to slowly rewire these associations
- Learning what healthy sexuality actually feels like (not what trauma taught you it was)
This is exactly the kind of thing I help clients work through in coaching—not by shaming them, but by helping them understand their nervous system and develop new, healthier patterns.
Want Deeper Understanding?
In Healing What Hides in the Shadows, you’ll find:
✓ How trauma rewires your relationship with sexuality
✓ Body-based practices for nervous system regulation
✓ Tools for separating trauma responses from authentic desire
✓ Private healing—no disclosure required
Question 5: “Can I ever have a healthy relationship with sexuality after this?”
Yes.
Not easily. Not quickly. Not without doing the work. But yes.
I’m not going to lie to you and say it’s simple. Sexual trauma rewires how you relate to your body, to intimacy, to vulnerability, to pleasure. Healing that takes time.
But here’s what I’ve seen, both in my own journey and in working with survivors:
Healthy sexuality after trauma is possible when:
You’ve learned to feel safe in your own body again. (This is the foundation of everything—see Why Your Body Hasn’t Gotten the Memo That You’re Safe)
You’ve separated what trauma taught you about sex from what sex can actually be. Trauma taught you that sexuality is about power, violation, and shame. Healing teaches you it can be about connection, mutual pleasure, and safety.
You’ve found ways to stay present instead of dissociating. Intimacy requires being in your body, not floating above it.
You’ve developed the ability to communicate needs and boundaries. And to trust that those boundaries will be respected.
You’ve addressed the shame. Not eliminated it entirely (we’re human), but taken away its power to control you.
From a faith perspective, I believe God’s design for sexuality is beautiful—mutual, honoring, intimate, safe. Trauma distorted that design. Healing is about reclaiming what was always meant to be life-giving, not life-taking.
Question 6: “What do I do if I can’t stop the cycle on my own?”
First, there’s no shame in needing help. You didn’t create this problem—trauma did. And trying to heal trauma-related sexual struggles alone is like trying to perform surgery on yourself. Technically possible, but why would you?
Here’s what actually helps:
Work with a trauma-informed therapist. Not just any therapist—one who understands both sexual trauma and compulsive sexual behavior. They exist, and they won’t judge you.
Address the underlying trauma. You can’t heal the coping mechanism without healing what you’re coping with. The porn (or whatever behavior you’re struggling with) is the symptom, not the disease.
Learn nervous system regulation. When you can manage overwhelming emotions without needing to escape into sexuality, the compulsion loses its power. In Healing What Hides in the Shadows, I walk through specific body-based techniques for this.
Find healthy ways to meet the needs porn was meeting.
- Control? Develop healthy boundaries in your life
- Emotional management? Learn grounding and regulation skills
- Avoiding intimacy? Work on building safe relationships
- Connection? Build genuine community
Get support from someone who gets it. Whether that’s a support group, a coach who specializes in trauma recovery, or trusted friends who won’t shame you. Secrets keep you sick. Connection heals.
This is part of what I do in my coaching practice—helping survivors understand the “why” behind their behaviors and developing practical tools to create new patterns. Not through shame or willpower, but through understanding your nervous system and meeting your actual needs in healthier ways.
The Bottom Line
If you’re struggling with porn, with compulsive sexual behavior, with arousal that confuses and shames you—you’re not uniquely broken. You’re responding to trauma in a way that made sense to your survival brain, even if it’s not serving you now.
Healing doesn’t start with shame. It starts with understanding.
And understanding starts with being willing to ask the questions nobody else will talk about.
So here we are, talking about it.
“You’re not alone. You’re not too far gone. And yes, there is hope for something better than this cycle of shame and secrecy.”
Ready to Break the Cycle?
You don’t have to figure this out alone.
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Continue the Series:
← Part 1: The Questions You’re Afraid to Ask About Your Body – Arousal during abuse, body memories, dissociation, and feeling broken
→ Part 3: Identity After Trauma – Sexual orientation, gender confusion, and finding yourself again
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