Grounding Techniques for Holiday Triggers | Christmas Survival for Trauma Survivors Coach Agenna

Part 3 of the Christmas Survival Series for Trauma Survivors

You shouldn’t have to white-knuckle your way through Christmas dinner.

And with the right tools? You won’t.

Perhaps you’ve already decided to go. Maybe you have to go—for your kids, for a family member who needs you, for reasons that are yours alone. Maybe you read Part 1 (permission to skip) and Part 2 (your safety plan), and you’ve decided: I’m doing this.

This post is for you.

Because showing up is only half the battle. The other half is surviving what happens once you’re there—when your nervous system starts sounding alarms, when the room feels too small, when your abuser says something that sends you spinning.

You need tools you can use in the moment. Discreet. Effective. Practiced before you need them.

Let’s build your toolkit.

Recognizing When You’re Triggered

Before you can use coping tools, you have to recognize when you need them. And here’s the tricky part: sometimes you don’t realize you’re triggered until you’re deep in it.

Your body often knows before your brain does. Learn to read its signals.

Body Signals:

Heart racing or pounding
Chest tightening
Stomach churning or dropping
Hands shaking or sweating
Feeling hot or flushed
Feeling suddenly cold
Muscles tensing (especially jaw, shoulders, fists)
Shallow breathing or holding your breath
Nausea
Dizziness or lightheadedness

Mind Signals:

Racing thoughts you can’t slow down
Brain fog—can’t think clearly, can’t find words
Feeling “far away” or like you’re watching yourself from outside
Time feels strange (too fast, too slow)
Sudden overwhelming emotion (rage, fear, despair)
Going blank—mind emptying completely
Intrusive memories or flashbacks
Hypervigilance—scanning for danger, unable to relax

Behavioral Signals:

Going quiet when you’re normally talkative
Talking too fast or too much
Laughing at things that aren’t funny
Agreeing with everything to avoid conflict
Freezing—unable to move or respond
Wanting to run
Picking at your skin, nails, or hair
Clenching or unclenching your hands

The key is catching it early. The sooner you notice you’re activated, the more options you have. Once you’re in full-blown panic or dissociation, your tools are harder to access.

Check in with yourself regularly—every 30 minutes if you need to. Ask: How’s my body right now? What am I feeling?

The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique

This is your go-to tool for pulling yourself out of triggered brain and back into the present moment. It works because it forces your brain to engage with your actual surroundings instead of the threat it thinks it’s perceiving.

Here’s how it works:

Find 5 things you can SEE.

Look around the room. Name them silently or out loud if you can: the Christmas tree, the red tablecloth, Grandma’s painting, the window, the dog.

Find 4 things you can TOUCH (and actually touch them).

Feel the texture of your sweater. The smooth edge of your plate. The chair beneath you. Your own hands pressed together.

Find 3 things you can HEAR.

The music playing. Someone laughing in the other room. The heater humming. A car passing outside.

Find 2 things you can SMELL.

The food cooking. Pine from the tree. Your own perfume. Coffee.

Find 1 thing you can TASTE.

The mint you just had. Your drink. The lingering taste of dinner.

Pro tips:

Practice this BEFORE Christmas. Do it at home, in your car, at the grocery store. The more familiar it is, the easier it is to access when you actually need it.
You can do this silently, at the table, without anyone noticing.
If you can’t find enough things in one category, just move to the next. Don’t get stuck.
Go slowly. The point isn’t to rush through—it’s to really engage each sense.

The Time and Place Reminder

When you’re triggered, your brain often doesn’t know the difference between past and present. It thinks the danger is happening NOW. This grounding technique reminds your nervous system where and when you actually are.

Say to yourself (silently or whispered):

“My name is [your name]. I am [your age] years old. I am in [location]. It is [date/year]. I am safe right now.”

For example:

“My name is Sarah. I am 34 years old. I am in my parents’ living room in Ohio. It is December 25th, 2025. I am safe right now. I am an adult. I have my own car. I can leave whenever I want.”

Add details that emphasize your adult power and agency:

“I have my own home.”
“I have a job and my own money.”
“I drove myself here.”
“I can leave.”
“I am not a child anymore.”
“That was then. This is now.”

This is especially powerful for survivors whose trauma happened in childhood. Your nervous system may still respond as if you’re that child. Remind it: you’re not. You’re an adult with resources and options you didn’t have then.

Temperature Shock Techniques

Cold activates your vagus nerve and can snap your nervous system out of panic mode quickly. These are some of the most effective grounding tools available—and you can use them discreetly.

Cold water on wrists:

Run cold water over your inner wrists in the bathroom. Hold them there for 30-60 seconds. The wrists have pulse points close to the surface, so the cold travels quickly.

Cold water on face:

Splash cold water on your face, especially your forehead and cheeks. If you can, hold a cold wet paper towel against the back of your neck.

Ice cube in your hand:

If you can discreetly get an ice cube from a drink, hold it in your closed fist. Focus on the sensation—the cold, the melting, the slight discomfort. This is called “ice grounding” and it’s incredibly effective for dissociation.

Cold drink:

Hold a cold glass against your cheek or forehead. Take small sips and focus on the temperature going down your throat.

Step outside:

If it’s cold out, step onto the porch for a minute. Let the cold air hit your face. Take three deep breaths of cold air.

What you can bring:

A small ice pack (the kind for lunches) in your pocket or purse
A cold water bottle you keep nearby
Cooling wipes or a damp washcloth in a zip-lock bag

Breathing Techniques You Can Do at the Table

Your breath is the one thing you always have access to—and it’s one of the fastest ways to calm your nervous system. These techniques are completely invisible to everyone around you.

Box Breathing (4-4-4-4):

Breathe IN for 4 counts
HOLD for 4 counts
Breathe OUT for 4 counts
HOLD for 4 counts
Repeat 4 times

Extended Exhale:

Breathe IN for 4 counts
Breathe OUT for 6-8 counts

The longer exhale activates your parasympathetic nervous system (the “rest and digest” system). This tells your body the threat is over.

Belly Breathing:

Put one hand on your belly (under the table if needed). Breathe so your belly expands, not your chest. Chest breathing = stress. Belly breathing = calm.

The Sigh:

Take a deep breath in through your nose, then let it out through your mouth with an audible sigh. This is actually one of the fastest ways to reset your nervous system. Do it once or twice—it looks completely natural, like you’re just tired.

The Bathroom: Your Escape Room

The bathroom is your sanctuary. It’s the one place you can go without explanation, lock the door, and have a few minutes completely alone.

Use it strategically.

When you get there:

Lock the door. You’re safe. No one is coming in.
Cold water. Run it over your wrists. Splash it on your face. Hold a cold wet paper towel against the back of your neck.
Ground yourself. Do the 5-4-3-2-1 technique. Look around the bathroom and name what you see.
Breathe. Do box breathing or extended exhales. Give yourself at least 5 full breath cycles.
Text your safe person. “I’m in the bathroom. Needed a minute.” Let them know you’re activated. They can come check on you or be ready to execute your exit plan.
Look in the mirror. Make eye contact with yourself. Say: “I am safe. I am an adult. I can leave whenever I need to. This is temporary.”
Affirmations. Say them out loud if you can:
- “I am safe right now.”
- “I can handle this.”
- “I can leave whenever I need to.”
- “This will end.”
- “I’ve survived worse.”
Take your time. There is no rule that says you can only be in the bathroom for 3 minutes. Take 10 if you need it. Take 15. If someone asks, say “I wasn’t feeling well” or “I needed a minute.”

If someone knocks:

“I’ll be out in a minute.” That’s it. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for using the bathroom.

Discreet Coping Strategies

These are tools you can use right at the table, in conversation, without anyone knowing you’re doing anything at all.

Grounding through your feet:

Press your feet flat into the floor. Really feel the ground beneath you. Push down slightly. Wiggle your toes inside your shoes. This connects you to the present moment and reminds your body it’s stable and supported.

Fidget items in your pocket:

Bring something small you can touch without anyone seeing:

A smooth stone
A small stress ball
A piece of velvet or soft fabric
A rubber band around your wrist (snap it gently for sensation)
A fidget ring you can spin
A paperclip to bend

The tactile sensation gives your brain something to focus on besides the trigger.

Ice chips or strong mints:

Strong sensation in your mouth can interrupt dissociation and bring you back to your body. Keep Altoids, strong gum, or ice chips nearby. Sour candy also works—anything with an intense flavor.

Squeeze and release:

Tense one muscle group hard for 5 seconds, then release. Start with your toes (no one can see). Move up to your calves, thighs, glutes, stomach, and fists. This is called progressive muscle relaxation, and it releases physical tension your body is holding.

Temperature anchoring:

Hold a hot cup of coffee or a cold glass of water. Focus on the temperature against your palms. This gives your brain a safe, neutral sensation to focus on.

Counting:

Count things in the room. How many chairs? How many red things? How many light fixtures? This occupies the anxious part of your brain with a mundane task.

Anchor phrase:

Choose a phrase you repeat silently when triggered:

“This is temporary.”
“I am safe right now.”
“I can leave whenever I want.”
“I’ve survived worse.”
“Just this moment. Just this breath.”

When You’re Freezing or Dissociating

Dissociation is your brain’s way of protecting you from overwhelm, but it can be scary and disorienting. If you feel yourself floating away, watching from outside your body, or going numb:

Move your body:

Wiggle your toes and fingers
Shift your position
Cross and uncross your legs
Press your feet into the floor
Squeeze your hands together

Movement tells your brain you’re not actually frozen, even when you feel like you are.

Strong sensory input:

Bite your tongue gently
Dig your nails into your palm (not hard enough to hurt, just enough to feel)
Smell something strong (essential oil, mint, coffee)
Taste something intense (sour candy, hot sauce, strong mint)
Cold—ice, cold water, step outside

Orient to the room:

Look around deliberately. Name 5 things out loud (or silently). Touch something textured. Remind your brain where you are.

Stamp your feet:

If you can get away, stamp your feet on the ground. This wakes up your body and reconnects you to physical sensation.

The important thing: Don’t judge yourself for dissociating. It’s not weakness—it’s a survival response. Your job isn’t to prevent it entirely; it’s to have tools to bring yourself back.

Code Words for Your Support Person

If you have a safe person at the gathering (or on text), establish code words BEFORE the event. These let you communicate what you need without alerting anyone else.

Examples:

What You Say	What It Means
“I’m getting tired.”	I’m triggered—stay close to me
“I have a headache.”	I need to leave soon
“Did you feed the dog?”	Get me out NOW—no questions
“What time is it?”	I’m ready to go
“I need some water.”	Meet me in the kitchen/away from others

Non-verbal signals:

Tugging your earlobe = I need help
Touching your necklace = Come stand next to me
Tapping your leg 3 times = We leave in 5 minutes

Text codes (if you get separated):

“👍” = I’m okay
“?” = Come find me
“911” = I need to leave NOW

Practice these before the event. Say them out loud so they feel natural. Make sure your support person knows to act immediately—no questions asked, no “are you sure,” no hesitation.

When to Leave: Trust Your Nervous System

Here’s something I want you to really hear:

Your nervous system is not lying to you.

If your body is screaming at you to leave—heart pounding, stomach churning, every cell saying GO—listen to it.

You don’t need a “good enough” reason. You don’t need to justify it. You don’t need to wait until something happens.

Signs it’s time to go:

Your abuser approaches you directly
Someone pressures you to hug or touch your abuser
You feel physically unsafe
You’re dissociating badly and can’t bring yourself back
You’re having a panic attack that won’t subside
Your boundaries are being repeatedly violated
You’re being pressured to drink alcohol
Your gut is screaming, “LEAVE NOW”

Here’s the truth:

You can leave at ANY point:

Before you arrive (turn around in the driveway)
When you first walk in
During dinner
After dessert
WHENEVER you need to

You don’t need to wait for the “right moment.” You don’t need to stay for cake. You don’t need to say goodbye to everyone.

Your safety is more important than their comfort.

After Each Event: Immediate Decompression

What you do immediately after leaving matters almost as much as what you do during.

Within 1 hour of leaving:

Get somewhere safe. Go home. Go to a friend’s house. Don’t sit in the parking lot alone spiraling.
Change your clothes. Take off the outfit that absorbed all that energy. Put on something comfortable.
Let your body do what it needs. Cry. Shake. Scream into a pillow. Take a hot shower. Let the physical response happen.
Eat something comforting. Your nervous system is depleted. Nourish yourself.
Text your safe person. “I left. I’m home. I’m okay.” Let someone know you made it.
Comfort items. Weighted blanket. Hot tea. Comfort show. Pet your dog. Whatever makes you feel held.
Don’t analyze yet. Now is not the time to dissect every interaction. Now is the time to regulate. Analysis can wait.

The next day:

Sleep in if you can
Gentle movement (walk, stretch, yoga)
Process with a safe person or therapist
Celebrate that you survived
Notice what worked and what didn’t
Give yourself space from family contact

Do NOT:

Numb out with alcohol or substances
Scroll social media, looking at everyone’s “perfect” Christmas
Beat yourself up for how you handled things
Make any big decisions about relationships tonight
Text your abuser or family members while you’re still activated

Your Emergency Toolkit: What to Bring

Pack this before you leave:

In your pocket or purse:

☐ Phone charged + emergency contacts saved ☐ Cash (in case cards fail and you need to leave) ☐ Car keys accessible at ALL times ☐ Fidget toy or grounding object ☐ Strong mints or gum ☐ Small essential oil roller (peppermint, lavender) ☐ This checklist (print it)

On your phone:

☐ Calming playlist downloaded ☐ Grounding app ready (Calm, Headspace, Insight Timer) ☐ Photos that make you feel safe ☐ Voice memo to yourself with encouragement ☐ Support person on speed dial ☐ Crisis hotlines saved:

RAINN: 1-800-656-4673
Crisis Text Line: Text HELLO to 741741
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

In your car:

☐ Water bottle ☐ Snacks ☐ Blanket ☐ Change of comfortable clothes ☐ A note to yourself reminding you why you’re protecting yourself

You’ve Got This

You shouldn’t have to survive Christmas.

But if you’re going anyway, you now have tools that can help you stay grounded, stay present, and stay in control.

You are not the scared child you once were. You are an adult with resources, with options, with the power to leave. Your nervous system might not know that yet—but you do.

Practice these tools before you need them. Pack your toolkit. Brief your support person. And remember:

You can leave at any point.

Your safety matters more than their comfort.

Getting through it IS the victory.

You survived the abuse. You can survive Christmas too—on YOUR terms.

What’s Next

This is Part 3 of my Christmas Survival Series for trauma survivors.

In this series:

Part 1: You Don’t Have to Go (permission to skip)
Part 2: If You’re Going: Your Complete Christmas Safety Plan
Part 3: Grounding, Coping & Surviving: In-the-Moment Tools (this post)
Part 4: After the Holidays: Recovery, Self-Compassion & Looking Ahead

Need everything in one place? Download my free Holiday Safety Plan Checklist—a printable guide with all of these tools, plus scripts, code words, and a self-care plan.

Link in bio or visit CoachAgenna.com

If you’re struggling with thoughts of self-harm or suicide during the holiday season, please reach out:

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988)
Crisis Text Line (text HOME to 741741)
RAINN: 1-800-656-4673

You matter. Please stay.

Grounding Techniques for Holiday Triggers | Christmas Survival for Trauma Survivors