877-724-3662 [email protected]
The Stories Bodies Tell That We Never Ask About

The Stories Bodies Tell That We Never Ask About

by | Nov 6, 2025 | Uncategorized

This is Part 6 of the “Weight of Words” series. Read Part 1 | Part 2: The Whisper Test | Part 3: The Compliment That Cuts | Part 4: Size Gaslighting | Part 5: The Invisible Uniform

 

I need to tell you something that might make you uncomfortable:

You don’t know why anyone’s body looks the way it does.

Not your coworker who gained weight. Not your friend who lost it. Not the stranger in line at the grocery store. Not your sister. Not your daughter. Not anyone.

You might think you know. You might assume you know. But unless someone has explicitly told you their story – and I mean really told you, not just dropped hints you think you’ve decoded – you don’t know.

And here’s what I’ve learned in my years of coaching people through trauma and life transitions: Almost every body is carrying a story we haven’t been invited to read.

The Stories Behind Body Changes

Let me tell you about some of the invisible reasons for weight change I’ve encountered:

The woman everyone praised for losing weight? She’d just left an abusive marriage. The weight fell off because she was too anxious to eat, couldn’t sleep, and was running on pure survival mode. Every compliment about how great she looked felt like celebrating the worst period of her life.

A man who suddenly gained weight had finally found medication that treated his severe depression and saved his life. The weight gain was a side effect. He’d choose being alive and heavier over thin and suicidal any day – but nobody asked. They just looked at him differently.

The young woman who was “so lucky to be naturally thin”? She had an autoimmune disease that made eating painful. She would have given anything to gain weight, to feel healthy, to not have people envy something that was actually making her miserable.

The person who couldn’t seem to lose weight no matter what? PCOS. Thyroid issues. Medications for chronic conditions. Hormonal changes. Genetic factors. Or maybe just… a body that’s shaped like that. A body that’s actually healthy at that size, despite what diet culture tells us.

Medical Reasons We Don’t See

Here are just some of the invisible reasons for weight change – reasons we rarely consider before commenting:

Medical reasons:

  • Medications for depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, diabetes, seizures, migraines, or autoimmune conditions
  • Thyroid disorders (hyper or hypo)
  • PCOS
  • Cushing’s syndrome
  • Menopause and hormonal changes
  • Chronic pain that limits mobility
  • Disabilities that affect movement
  • Cancer or cancer treatments
  • Chronic illness
  • Recent surgery or injury recovery

Mental health reasons:

  • Eating disorders (in any direction – restriction, binging, or recovery from either)
  • Depression that kills appetite or leads to emotional eating
  • Anxiety that makes eating impossible or triggers stress eating
  • Trauma responses (the body often holds onto weight as protection after trauma)
  • PTSD
  • Grief that manifests as weight loss or gain

Life circumstance reasons:

  • Poverty (healthy food is expensive; sometimes survival means eating what’s cheap and available)
  • Food deserts (living where fresh, healthy food simply isn’t accessible)
  • Working multiple jobs with no time to cook or exercise
  • Caretaking responsibilities (caring for sick family members, aging parents, children with special needs)
  • Pregnancy, postpartum, breastfeeding
  • Recovering from an eating disorder (weight gain can literally mean healing)
  • Escaping abuse
  • Major life transitions or stress

And sometimes:

  • Genetics (some bodies are just built bigger or smaller)
  • Natural body diversity (we’re supposed to come in different sizes)
  • Aging (bodies change over decades, and that’s normal)
  • Simply living life (not everyone’s priority is maintaining a certain size, and that’s okay)

Research on weight stigma and health shows that commenting on someone’s body without knowing their story can cause significant psychological harm and reinforce dangerous assumptions about health and appearance.

What Your Comments Really Mean

Here’s what all of this means:

When you comment on someone’s weight – whether they’ve lost it or gained it – you’re commenting on a story you don’t know.

You might be celebrating someone’s suffering. You might be criticizing someone’s healing. You might be envying someone’s illness. You might be shaming someone’s survival.

And even if the weight change IS intentional and healthy, your comment still carries weight.

Because it tells that person: I’ve been watching your body. I’ve been judging it. And the most interesting or important thing about you to me is what size you are.

It tells them their worth in your eyes is tied to their appearance.

It tells everyone listening what bodies you approve of and what bodies you don’t.

Meeting People Where They Are

I think about this a lot in my work. I meet people where they are. I believe their truth. And part of believing someone’s truth is understanding that their body is telling a story I haven’t earned the right to read – let alone comment on.

Someone’s body might be:

  • The site of their trauma
  • The evidence of their survival
  • The result of their healing
  • The manifestation of their illness
  • The side effect of staying alive
  • The consequence of their circumstances
  • The reality of their genetics
  • Just… their body, living its life

And none of those stories are mine to judge.

A Different Approach to Connection

So what do we do instead of commenting on weight?

We ask: “How are you doing?” (And actually listen to the answer)

We notice: “You seem happy lately” or “You’ve seemed stressed – is everything okay?”

We appreciate: “I love your energy” or “That color looks great on you” or “I enjoy spending time with you”

We celebrate: Their accomplishments, their character, their growth, their kindness, their humor

We see the whole person – not just the body they’re living in.

The Complex Humans Behind Every Body

Because here’s what I know for certain:

Behind every body is a complete human being with a complex story.

Some of those stories include trauma you can’t see. Some include illness you wouldn’t guess. Some include circumstances you’ve never experienced. Some include victories that look like failures to outsiders. Some include struggles that look like success.

And you don’t need to know the story to treat the person with dignity.

You don’t need to understand why someone’s body looks the way it does to recognize their worth.

You don’t need their medical history or life circumstances to speak to them with respect.

You just need to remember that there IS a story – one that’s complex and real and none of your business unless they choose to share it.

The Only Story That Matters

Every body tells a story we haven’t been invited to read.

So maybe, just maybe, we could stop acting like we’ve already read it.

Maybe we could stop commenting on chapters we know nothing about.

Maybe we could treat every body – every single one – with the respect and dignity we’d want for our own.

Because every person you see is carrying something you don’t know about.

Every body has a history you haven’t lived.

Every size has a story you haven’t heard.

And every human being – regardless of what their body looks like or why it looks that way – is valuable beyond measure.

Not because they’ve earned it. Not because their story is compelling enough. Not because their circumstances are sympathetic enough.

Just because they’re human.

Just because they exist.

Just because they are.

That’s the only story we need to know to treat someone with kindness.

You are valuable beyond measure – and your story is yours to tell, not theirs to assume.

CONTINUE THE SERIES:

The Invisible Uniform: When Your Workplace Literally Doesn’t Fit You

The Invisible Uniform: When Your Workplace Literally Doesn’t Fit You

by | Nov 6, 2025 | Uncategorized

 This is Part 5 of the “Weight of Words” series. Read Part 1 | Part 2: The Whisper Test | Part 3: The Compliment That Cuts | Part 4: Size Gaslighting

I want you to imagine something with me.

Picture showing up to work every day in a place where you’re supposed to represent the brand. Where part of your job is wearing and showcasing what the company offers.

But the company doesn’t offer anything that fits you.

Imagine watching your coworkers get excited about new inventory arriving. They’re pulling pieces, trying things on, talking about what they’re going to wear for their next shift.

And you’re just… standing there. Because there’s nothing in your size. There’s rarely anything in your size.

This is workplace size exclusion, and it’s more common than most people realize.

The Reality of Systematic Exclusion

Imagine promotional photoshoots for the company’s social media, their website, their marketing materials. Everyone’s getting ready, picking outfits, doing their hair.

And you’re not included. Not because you’re not photogenic. Not because you’re not good at your job. But because you can’t fit into what they’re photographing.

Picture being made invisible in a place where you show up every single day.

This isn’t a hypothetical for a lot of people. This is their reality.

And here’s what we need to understand: This isn’t just hurt feelings. This is systemic exclusion disguised as business decisions.

What the Message Really Says

When a workplace – especially one in fashion, retail, or any industry where “representing the brand” matters – doesn’t carry sizes that fit all its employees, it sends a clear message:

Some bodies belong here. Some don’t. Some bodies are worthy of representing us. Some aren’t. Some bodies are part of “the brand.” Some are just… here.

And workplace size exclusion isn’t just about the clothes.

Walking into work every day knowing you’re not included in the visual identity of the place that employs you takes a toll. Being part of a team where everyone else gets to participate in something you’re systematically excluded from creates isolation.

Watching company photos go up on social media and never seeing yourself in them – not because you weren’t there, not because you weren’t working, but because your body wasn’t considered promotional material.

Hearing your coworkers bond over the clothes they’re wearing, the pieces they’re excited about, the discount they’re using on inventory – and having nothing to contribute to that conversation because the inventory doesn’t include you.

The Pattern of Invisible Harm

In my work with trauma survivors, I see this pattern: being made invisible in plain sight creates a unique kind of harm.

It’s not overt cruelty. No one’s calling you names. No one’s telling you to leave.

But you’re being told every single day, in a thousand quiet ways, that you don’t fully belong. That your body is a problem the company hasn’t solved and doesn’t seem particularly interested in solving.

You’re simultaneously essential enough to employ and unacceptable enough to exclude.

Research on workplace discrimination and body size shows that size-based exclusion has real consequences for employee wellbeing, job satisfaction, and professional advancement.

The Impossible Position

And here’s what makes it even more complicated:

When you’re the only person or one of few people this affects, speaking up feels impossible.

Because if you say “I notice I’m never in the photoshoots,” you sound petty.

If you say “I wish the store carried my size,” you sound like you’re making it about you.

If you mention that you can’t wear what you sell, you risk being told that’s just how the industry works, or that you knew this when you took the job, or that maybe this isn’t the right fit for you.

What “Fit” Really Means

But let’s be honest about what “fit” really means in that sentence.

They don’t mean fit for the job. They mean fit for the clothes. They mean your body doesn’t fit our narrow definition of what’s acceptable.

And when a workplace’s definition of “who belongs here” is determined by what sizes they choose to carry, that’s not about skills or qualifications or work ethic.

That’s about deciding certain bodies are more valuable, more marketable, more worthy than others.

I’ve watched this play out in industries beyond retail too. Company uniforms that only go up to a certain size. Branded clothing given out at corporate events that doesn’t fit everyone. Promotional materials that only feature certain body types.

The Daily Message

Every time this happens, here’s the message being sent:

We thought about some bodies when we made these decisions. Just not yours.

You’re welcome to work here. Just not to be seen here.

You’re part of the team. Just not the part we show the world.

The Ripple Effects

And it affects everything.

It affects your confidence. How can you feel fully professional when you can’t wear what your workplace considers professional attire?

It affects your sense of belonging. How can you feel like part of the team when the team’s visual identity systematically excludes you?

It affects your relationship with your own body. Every day you’re being told – not through words, but through systemic exclusion – that your body is wrong for this space.

What Companies Need to Understand

Here’s what companies need to understand:

If you employ people, your “brand” should be able to dress them. Period.

If you’re going to do promotional photoshoots, they should reflect the actual humans who work for you.

If you’re selling an image, that image should be inclusive enough to include the people who are helping you sell it.

This isn’t about political correctness. This isn’t about being woke. This is about basic respect and inclusion.

This is about recognizing that when you create a workplace where some bodies literally don’t fit, you’re not just making a merchandising decision. You’re making a statement about whose bodies have value.

And the people living in those excluded bodies? They hear that statement. Loud and clear. Every single day.

They show up anyway. They do their jobs anyway. They smile at customers and process transactions and support their coworkers anyway.

But they do it while being constantly reminded that they’re not quite acceptable enough to fully belong.

What Needs to Change

Companies need to ask themselves: If we wouldn’t hire someone because of their body type, that would be discrimination. So why is it acceptable to employ someone but exclude them from representing the brand because of their body type?

They need to expand their size ranges – not as a favor, but as a basic inclusion practice.

They need to feature diverse bodies in their marketing – not once a year for a “body positivity campaign,” but consistently, because diverse bodies exist consistently.

They need to stop treating certain sizes as specialty items and start treating all sizes as standard inventory.

The Truth About Belonging

Because here’s the truth:

Every body that works for you should be able to wear your brand. Every employee should be able to see themselves in your marketing. Every person on your team should feel like they actually belong there.

Not as an afterthought. Not as a diversity checkbox. But as a fundamental part of how you operate.

I See You

To anyone who’s experienced this: I see you.

I see you showing up to a workplace that doesn’t quite make room for you.

I see you being professional even when you’re being excluded.

I see you staying gracious while being made invisible.

Your body doesn’t need to change to be worthy of inclusion. The systems that exclude you need to change.

You are valuable beyond measure – and you deserve to work in a place that treats you like you are.

Even if that place hasn’t figured that out yet.

You are valuable beyond measure – whether or not your workplace has learned to see it.

“Size Gaslighting: When Others Police Your Own Body Knowledge”

“Size Gaslighting: When Others Police Your Own Body Knowledge”

by | Nov 4, 2025 | Uncategorized

This is Part 4 of the “Weight of Words” series. Read Part 1 | Part 2: The Whisper Test | Part 3: The Compliment That Cuts

I’m an XL or 1X, depending on the brand and cut.

This isn’t speculation. I know this because I live in this body. Dressing it every single day means I know what fits and what doesn’t. I know what size I reach for when shopping, what size I order online, what size I need to feel comfortable and confident.

So you can imagine my surprise when I mentioned my size recently and someone immediately said: “No you’re not. You’re not that big. You’re definitely not an XL.”

As if they knew my body better than I do.

As if my lived experience of getting dressed every morning was somehow incorrect.

As if their perception of my body trumped my actual knowledge of what fits it.

This is what I call size gaslighting, and it’s more common than you think.

When “Compliments” Become Invalidation

Usually, size gaslighting comes disguised as a compliment. “You’re not THAT size – you carry it well!” or “Girl, you’re definitely not an XL!” or “You don’t look like you wear that size at all!”

Here’s what makes it so insidious: the person saying it genuinely thinks they’re being nice. They think they’re making you feel better. They think they’re giving you a compliment by denying the reality of your body.

What they’re actually doing is telling you that your size is something to be ashamed of – so shameful that they can’t even accept it’s true.

Think about it. When was the last time someone said “You’re not a small!” with that same emphatic reassurance? When did anyone ever protest “No way, you’re definitely not petite!”?

We don’t gaslight people about small sizes. We don’t argue with them. We don’t feel the need to “correct” them or “reassure” them.

We only do this with sizes we’ve decided are unacceptable.

The Hidden Messages in Size Denial

Here’s what this communication actually says:

I like you too much to admit you wear an “undesirable” size. I need to believe you’re smaller than you are so I can continue to approve of you. Your size is so problematic that I literally can’t accept it as reality. You should be ashamed to claim that size, so I’m going to deny it for you.

And perhaps most damaging: Your own knowledge of your body is less valid than my perception of it.

This isn’t just about hurt feelings. This is about invalidation.

The Pattern of Invalidation

In my work with trauma survivors, I see this pattern everywhere: people being told their own experience isn’t real, isn’t valid, isn’t what they think it is. Being told “that didn’t happen that way” or “you’re remembering it wrong” or “it wasn’t that bad.”

When you tell someone they don’t wear the size they know they wear, you’re doing the same thing. Invalidating their lived experience means telling them they can’t trust their own knowledge of their own body.

Research on body image and self-perception shows that this kind of external invalidation contributes to distorted body image and undermines self-trust.

A bizarre situation emerges where someone can’t win.

If I say I’m an XL and you tell me I’m not, what am I supposed to do with that?

The Impossible Position

Should I argue with you about my own body? Should I prove it by showing you tags? Should I feel grateful that you’re “protecting” me from the truth of my own size?

Or should I just learn to stay quiet about my body entirely, because apparently my accurate assessment of it makes people uncomfortable?

Here’s what I think is really happening:

When someone tells you “you’re not that size,” what they’re really saying is: “I can’t reconcile the size you’re telling me with the person I see in front of me – because I’ve been taught that people who wear that size are supposed to be less worthy, less attractive, less acceptable than you are.”

They like you. They value you. They think you look good.

And they can’t hold all of that alongside the “shameful” size you’ve just claimed.

Rewriting Reality Instead of Examining Bias

So instead of examining their own biases about what certain sizes are “supposed” to look like or what people who wear them are “supposed” to be worth, they just… deny your reality.

They rewrite your body to fit their worldview instead of adjusting their worldview to include bodies like yours at sizes like yours.

It’s exhausting.

Because now I’m not just navigating the world in my body – I’m managing other people’s discomfort with what size that body happens to be.

I’ve also noticed this happens in professional settings where someone’s size becomes almost… inconvenient. Where acknowledging the reality of someone’s body might mean acknowledging that your systems, your inventory, your spaces don’t actually include them. So it’s easier to just insist they’re not really that size.

“You’re not an XL!” becomes a way to avoid saying “We don’t carry your size.”

“You don’t look like you wear that!” becomes a way to avoid admitting “We didn’t think about bodies like yours when we planned this.”

The Real Impact of Size Gaslighting

But here’s what I need you to understand:

When you tell me I’m not the size I know I am, you’re not making me feel better. You’re making me feel invisible.

You’re telling me that my reality is negotiable. That my body is up for debate. That I can’t be trusted to know basic facts about my own physical existence.

You’re also reinforcing the idea that certain sizes are so terrible that they can’t be acknowledged – even when they’re literally the truth.

What If We Just Believed People?

What if we just… believed people about their own bodies?

What if when someone says “I’m an XL,” we just accept that as the neutral fact it is?

What if we didn’t treat certain sizes like confessions that need to be argued with or reassured away?

What if we understood that every size is just a size – a measurement, a number, a piece of information about what cut of fabric fits a particular body – and nothing more?

I promise you: I know what size I wear. I’ve known for years. Your denial of it doesn’t change the reality. It just makes me feel like I’m living in a world where even basic facts about my body are considered too shameful to acknowledge.

The Long-Term Consequences

Here’s the thing about gaslighting – even the well-intentioned kind:

It teaches people they can’t trust themselves. It teaches them their reality is less valid than someone else’s perception. It teaches them that certain truths about themselves are so unacceptable that even they shouldn’t speak them out loud.

And after years of this, people stop talking about their bodies at all. They stop advocating for what they need. They stop asking for accommodations. They stop existing fully in spaces because they’ve learned that the truth of their body makes others uncomfortable.

How to Respond When Someone Shares Their Size

So the next time someone tells you their size, believe them.

Don’t argue. Don’t “reassure” them. Don’t tell them they’re wrong about their own body.

Just… believe them.

It’s not a confession. It’s not a problem to be solved. It’s not something that needs your input or correction.

It’s just information. Information they’re sharing because it’s relevant, necessary, or simply true.

And they deserve to have that truth acknowledged – not debated, not denied, not dismissed.

Standing in Your Truth

Because here’s what I know for certain:

I am valuable beyond measure.

Not at the size you think I should be. Not at the size you’re comfortable acknowledging. Not when I’m small enough that you don’t have to whisper about it.

Right now. At this size. The one I actually am.

Valuable beyond measure.

And I don’t need your permission – or your denial – to know it.

You are valuable beyond measure – and you know your own body better than anyone else ever will.

CONTINUE THE SERIES:

The Compliment That Cuts: When ‘You Look Great’ Actually Means ‘You’re Finally Acceptable’

The Compliment That Cuts: When ‘You Look Great’ Actually Means ‘You’re Finally Acceptable’

by | Nov 3, 2025 | Body Shame, Uncategorized

This is Part 3 of the “Weight of Words” series. Read Part 1 | Read Part 2: The Whisper Test

“You look amazing! Have you lost weight?”

These words tumble out with smiles, with enthusiasm, with genuine belief that we’re making someone’s day.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about what weight loss compliments actually communicate – and why they might not be the kindness we think they are.

The hidden message beneath the praise? You look better now than you did before. Your previous body needed improvement. I’ve been watching your body and judging it. You’re finally acceptable.

When Compliments Become Chains

Recently, I watched this dynamic play out with someone I know. She’d lost a significant amount of weight, and people couldn’t stop complimenting her. “You look so good!” “You must feel so much better!” “Good for you!”

What they didn’t know was devastating. She was barely eating. Hours at the gym became obsessive rituals that weren’t healthy. The weight loss wasn’t a triumph – it was a symptom of something breaking inside her.

Yet everyone kept praising her for it. Every compliment made it harder for her to stop, harder to admit she needed help, harder to see that what everyone celebrated was actually harming her.

Those compliments weren’t kind. They were chains.

The Hidden Crisis Behind Weight Loss

Here’s what I’ve learned working with people through trauma and recovery: Weight loss doesn’t always mean someone is thriving. Sometimes it means they’re in crisis.

Maybe they lost weight because:

  • Anxiety has made eating impossible
  • Devastating grief has consumed their appetite
  • An illness no one knows about yet is ravaging their body
  • They’re trapped in an abusive situation
  • They’re struggling with an eating disorder
  • Stress has made self-care feel impossible
  • Medication has killed their appetite as a side effect
  • Depression has made food tasteless and eating feel pointless

Every time we celebrate weight loss without knowing the story behind it, we risk celebrating someone’s suffering.

Research on eating disorders and body image shows that weight loss compliments can reinforce disordered eating patterns and delay people from seeking help.

What We’re Really Saying

Even when weight loss IS intentional and healthy, consider what we’re really communicating when we make it the first thing we comment on, the biggest compliment we can give, the most important change we notice about someone.

The underlying message becomes clear: Your body is the most interesting thing about you. Your worth is tied to your size. The most impressive thing you can do is become smaller.

A client once shared a powerful story with me. She’d gotten a significant promotion at work, published an article she was proud of, and celebrated her tenth wedding anniversary – all in the same month she lost some weight.

Guess which one everyone commented on?

“You’ve lost weight! You look fantastic!”

Not “Congratulations on your promotion.” Not “I loved your article.” Not “Ten years – that’s wonderful!”

Just: You’re smaller now, and that’s the most valuable thing you could be.

She said it made her feel invisible even as people were looking right at her.

The Impact on Everyone

Here’s something we don’t talk about enough: these compliments hurt thin people too.

That person who’s always been naturally slender? They hear the subtext loud and clear. If they ever gain weight, they’ll lose your approval. Their worth is conditional on staying small. You’re watching, measuring, judging.

For anyone who’s struggled with an eating disorder, your weight-loss compliments can be triggering – even when you’re talking about someone else. Even when you mean well.

When someone is thin because of illness, grief, or stress, your comments about how “lucky” they are to be that size feel cruel.

A Different Approach to Compliments

So what do we say instead?

What if we just said “You look great” without the weight commentary? What if we commented on someone’s energy, their smile, their confidence, their accomplishments?

What if we asked “How are you doing?” instead of “Have you lost weight?”

What if we remembered that we have no idea what’s happening in someone’s life, and that their body size is the least interesting thing about them?

The Truth About Bodies and Worth

Here’s the truth: Almost every body you encounter is either “too much” or “not enough” in someone’s eyes.

Too big. Too small. Too curvy. Too straight. Too soft. Too muscular. Too short. Too tall.

We’re all failing someone’s standard. We’re all falling short of some imaginary ideal.

So maybe – just maybe – we could stop treating body changes like they’re the ultimate achievement or the worst tragedy.

Maybe we could save our enthusiasm for the things that actually matter: how someone treats people, what they’re creating, how they’re growing, what they’re overcoming, who they’re becoming.

What Really Matters

Your body can change a hundred times in your life. Your worth doesn’t.

That person in the mirror? Valuable beyond measure at every size, every shape, every stage.

The compliments that truly build people up are the ones that see past their body to who they actually are.

Everything else? It’s just noise disguised as kindness.

And sometimes the kindest thing we can do is just… stop commenting on bodies altogether.

You are valuable beyond measure – not because of your size, but in spite of what anyone thinks about it.

CONTINUE THE SERIES:

RELATED READING: