Part 2 of 3: Surviving Thanksgiving as a Trauma Survivor
Thanksgiving Safety Plan for Trauma Survivors
You’ve decided to go.
Maybe you weighed your options and determined you can handle it with the right preparation. Maybe you’re not ready to face the fallout of not going. Maybe you have kids who want to see their cousins, or elderly relatives you don’t want to disappoint.
Whatever your reasons—they’re valid.
But let me be clear: attending Thanksgiving when your abuser will be there requires a plan.
Not just a “I’ll be fine” hope. Not just “maybe they won’t even talk to me.” An actual, detailed safety plan that protects your wellbeing, your peace, and your healing.
This isn’t about being dramatic. This is about being prepared.
Your nervous system doesn’t care about your reasons for going. It just knows: danger ahead. So let’s give it what it needs to feel as safe as possible.
Before We Go Further: Should You Really Attend?
I want you to honestly answer these questions. Not the answers you think you should give. The real answers.
Assessment Questions:
- Physical Safety: Are you in any physical danger from this person? (If yes, do not go.)
- Support System: Will you have at least one safe person there who knows the situation?
- Autonomy: Do you have your own transportation so you can leave whenever you need to?
- Boundaries: Can you realistically maintain boundaries without being punished or guilted?
- Recovery Time: Do you have the following day off to recover and process?
- Worst Case Scenario: If your abuser confronts you, talks to you, or triggers you—can you handle that today? Not “should” you be able to—CAN you?
- Gut Check: When you imagine walking through that door, what does your body tell you? (Your body knows. Listen to it.)
If you answered “no” to questions 2, 3, 4, or 5—or if question 7 makes you want to throw up—it’s okay to change your mind about going.
Deciding not to attend after saying you would is not failure. It’s wisdom.
But if you’re still going, let’s build you a safety plan.
Your Safety Plan: The Non-Negotiables
These are not suggestions. These are requirements for attending Thanksgiving when your abuser will be there.
- Identify Your Support Person
This person:_________________________________________________________
- Knows about your history (at least that there’s an issue)
- Understands they’re your lifeline for the day
- Agrees to stay physically close to you
- Will help you exit without questions if needed
- Won’t minimize your feelings or push you to “give them a chance”
Tell them in advance: “I need you to be my support person on Thursday. If I say [code word], I need to leave immediately. Can you help me with that?”
Code words that work:
- “I’m getting a headache”
- “Did you check on the dog?”
- “I’m really tired”
- “Can we talk outside for a minute?”
Practice these. Your support person needs to know what they mean.
- Secure Your Own Transportation
Non-negotiable.
You must be able to leave whenever you need to—without asking permission, explaining, or waiting for someone else to be ready.
This means:
- Drive yourself (ideal)
- Have Uber/Lyft app ready with payment set up
- Have a friend on standby to pick you up
- Have your keys accessible at all times (not buried in a coat closet)
Do not carpool unless your support person is driving and agrees to leave when you say so.
- Plan Your Physical Positioning
Strategic placement matters:
✓ Sit near an exit – Always have a clear path out ✓ Don’t sit next to or across from your abuser – Maintain maximum distance ✓ Position near your support person – Close enough to make eye contact ✓ Avoid isolated spaces – Stay where others can see you ✓ Know where bathrooms are – Your emergency escape location
If someone tries to seat you next to your abuser: “I’m sitting here, thanks.” (Don’t explain. Don’t apologize.)
- Set Time Limits
Decide in advance:
- What time you’ll arrive
- What time you’ll leave
- Maximum time you’re willing to stay
Example: “I’ll arrive at 2 PM and leave by 5 PM. Three hours maximum.”
Set an alarm on your phone. When it goes off, you leave—even if dinner isn’t served yet, even if someone protests, even if you feel guilty.
Your time boundary is sacred.
- Establish Your Alcohol Boundary
Here’s the truth: Alcohol lowers your defenses, reduces your ability to maintain boundaries, and makes you more vulnerable.
My strong recommendation: Limit yourself to one drink maximum, or ideally, none.
I know that might sound harsh, especially when you’re nervous. But you need your full nervous system online to protect yourself.
If family pressures you to drink more: “I’m good, thanks.” (Repeat as needed. You don’t owe an explanation.)
Boundary Phrases to Practice NOW
Don’t wait until you’re triggered to figure out what to say. Practice these now. Out loud. Until they feel natural.
If Your Abuser Tries to Talk to You:
Short responses:
- “I’d rather not.”
- “I’m not interested in talking.”
- “Excuse me.” (Walk away—you don’t need permission)
If they persist:
- “I’ve said no. Please respect that.”
- “This conversation is over.”
You don’t need to:
- Explain why
- Be polite
- Make it comfortable for them
- Worry about what others think
If Someone Pushes You to Interact:
“You should go say hi to [abuser].” → “I’m good where I am.”
“Come on, it’s Thanksgiving. Be nice.” → “I am being nice—to myself.”
“You’re being rude.” → “I’m setting a boundary. That’s different.”
“What will people think?” → “I’m more concerned with my wellbeing than appearances.”
“But they’re family.” → “And I’m taking care of myself.”
If Your Abuser Directly Engages You:
Remember: You are not required to respond.
Silence is a complete sentence. Walking away is a valid response. “No” needs no justification.
Your Emergency Phrases:
To your support person:
- “I need to leave now.”
- “Can you come with me?”
- [Your code word]
To the group (as you leave):
- “I need to go. Thanks for having me.”
- “I’m not feeling well. See you later.”
- “Something came up. I’ll talk to you soon.”
You do NOT need to:
- Explain where you’re going
- Justify why you’re leaving
- Ask permission to take care of yourself
Your Grounding Toolkit
Pack these physically or have them ready on your phone:
Physical Items:
- Ice pack or cold water bottle (temperature shock grounds you)
- Strong mints or gum (scent grounding)
- Stress ball or fidget tool (tactile grounding)
- Comforting scent (essential oil, favorite perfume)
- Emergency contacts (saved and ready)
- Your safety card (index card with grounding steps)
On Your Phone:
- Calming playlist (create it now)
- Grounding app (Calm, Headspace, Insight Timer)
- Photos that make you feel safe (pets, places, people)
- Voice memo to yourself (record encouragement when calm)
- This blog post (so you can re-read it if needed)
The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique
When you feel triggered, find:
5 things you can SEE (The table, a painting, your shoes, the window, a plant)
4 things you can TOUCH (Your chair, your clothes, the table, your phone)
3 things you can HEAR (Conversation, music, dishes clinking)
2 things you can SMELL (Food, candles, coffee, someone’s perfume)
1 thing you can TASTE (Your drink, gum, the meal)
This works because: It pulls you out of your triggered brain and into the present moment using your five senses.
Practice this NOW, before Thursday, so you can do it automatically when you need it.
What to Do If You’re Triggered During Dinner
Signs you’re triggered:
- Heart racing or pounding
- Feeling frozen or unable to move
- Sudden overwhelming emotion
- Disconnecting from your body
- Mind going blank
- Urge to run or hide
Your immediate response options:
Option 1: Bathroom Break
“Excuse me.” (Stand up and go—you don’t need permission)
Once in the bathroom:
- Lock the door
- Splash cold water on your face
- Do the 5-4-3-2-1 technique
- Text your support person
- Take as long as you need
- Return only when you’re ready
If someone knocks: “I’ll be out in a minute.” (Take five more.)
Option 2: “I Need Air”
“I’m going to step outside for a minute.”
Outside:
- Walk around
- Feel your feet on the ground
- Notice the temperature
- Take deep breaths (in for 4, out for 6)
- Call your support person or a safe friend
- Decide if you’re returning or leaving
Option 3: Early Exit
“I’m not feeling well. I need to head out. Thanks for having me.”
Then leave.
You don’t need:
- A detailed medical explanation
- To wait for the “right” moment
- Permission from anyone
- To feel guilty about taking care of yourself
Before, During, and After Self-Care
BEFORE (The Day Before and Morning Of):
Prep your nervous system:
- Get good sleep the night before
- Eat a solid breakfast
- Move your body (walk, yoga, anything)
- Do a grounding exercise
- Review your safety plan
- Text your support person to confirm
- Set your time boundary alarm
- Pack your grounding toolkit
- Remind yourself: “I can leave anytime”
Self-talk for the morning:
- “I have a plan.”
- “I have support.”
- “I can leave whenever I need to.”
- “My safety is the priority.”
- “I’m doing this on MY terms.”
DURING:
Micro self-care moments:
- Take bathroom breaks as needed
- Step outside when overwhelmed
- Check in with your body every 30 minutes
- Use your grounding techniques preemptively
- Stay near your support person
- Eat (low blood sugar makes triggers worse)
- Drink water (dehydration increases anxiety)
- Watch the clock—honor your time boundary
Permission statements:
- “I can leave.”
- “I don’t have to explain.”
- “My comfort matters.”
- “This is temporary.”
AFTER (That Evening and Next Day):
Immediate decompression (within 1 hour of leaving):
- Change into comfortable clothes
- Do something physical (cry, scream into pillow, shake it out)
- Eat comfort food
- Journal about what happened
- Text your support person or therapist
- Use weighted blanket or take hot shower
- Watch comfort show or read comfort book
DO NOT:
- Numb out with alcohol/substances
- Analyze your “performance”
- Beat yourself up for any “mistakes”
- Make any big decisions tonight
Next day recovery:
- Sleep in if possible
- Gentle movement (walk, stretch)
- Process with safe person or therapist
- Celebrate that you survived
- Notice what worked and what didn’t
- No contact with family yet (give yourself space)
Your Emergency Exit Strategy
Despite your best planning, here are the situations where you leave immediately:
- Your abuser approaches you directly
- Someone pressures you to hug/touch your abuser
- You feel physically unsafe
- You’re dissociating badly
- Panic attack that won’t subside
- Your boundary is repeatedly violated
- Your gut screams “LEAVE NOW”
How to execute:
- Grab your stuff (keys, phone, coat)
- Find your support person OR text them “I’m leaving”
- Say ONE sentence: “I need to go. Thanks.”
- Walk out
- Drive/Uber away
- Text someone safe once you’re gone
Do NOT:
- Give a detailed explanation
- Wait for anyone’s approval
- Apologize excessively
- Let anyone talk you into staying
Text to send your support person once you’re safe: “I left. I’m okay. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
Remember: You Can Always Change Your Mind
Right up until you walk through that door—you can turn around.
Even after you arrive—you can leave.
There is no prize for enduring a traumatic Thanksgiving.
There is no award for toughing it out.
There is no badge of honor for sacrificing your peace.
As I write in Healing What Hides in the Shadows: “Boundaries aren’t walls that keep everyone out. Boundaries are knowing what feels okay and what doesn’t. Think of them like the walls of a house—they aren’t there to trap you inside, they’re there to create a safe space where you choose who enters.”
Your abuser doesn’t get automatic access to you just because it’s Thanksgiving.
The door to your peace? You hold the key.
You’re Not Going Into Battle Unprepared
Look at what you’ve done:
- You’ve assessed whether you should really go
- You’ve identified your support person
- You’ve secured transportation
- You’ve practiced boundary phrases
- You’ve packed your grounding toolkit
- You’ve set time limits
- You’ve planned your physical positioning
- You’ve prepared before, during, and after care
- You’ve created an emergency exit strategy
You’re not white-knuckling through this. You have a PLAN.
And that plan includes the most important permission: the permission to leave.
You’re not trapped. You’re not helpless. You’re not the person you were when the abuse happened.
You’re an adult with agency, resources, and the wisdom to protect yourself.
A Final Word Before Thursday
If you make it through Thanksgiving using every tool in this post—that’s success.
If you make it through but leave early—that’s success.
If you get there and immediately turn around—that’s success.
If you decide Wednesday night not to go after all—that’s success.
Success is not enduring abuse for the sake of a holiday.
Success is protecting yourself, on your terms, with the resources you have.
You survived the original abuse. You don’t have to survive every family gathering too.
Your healing matters more than anyone’s comfort. Your safety matters more than tradition. Your peace matters more than appearances.
If you attend Thanksgiving, do it with this safety plan. If you can’t follow this safety plan, don’t attend.
It’s that simple.
You’ve got this. And if you don’t got this? You’ve got permission to leave.
What’s Next
This is Part 2 of our 3-part series: Surviving Thanksgiving as a Trauma Survivor
- Part 1 (November 18): You Don’t Have to Go: Permission to Skip Thanksgiving – Read it here
- Part 2: If You’re Going: Your Safety Plan & Boundary Guide (You are here)
- Part 3 (Coming Soon) After the Holiday: Processing, Recovery & What to Do If Boundaries Were Crossed
Coming Soon: What to do after Thanksgiving—processing what happened, recovering from any boundary violations, forgiving yourself for any “failures,” and planning differently for December holidays.
Download Your Free Safety Plan Checklist
Want this safety plan in a printable format? Download my free Thanksgiving Safety Plan Checklist to keep with you on Thursday.
Includes:
- Assessment questions
- Boundary phrase reminders
- 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique
- Emergency exit steps
- Before/during/after self-care checklist
Agenna Mathley is a certified Life and Mindset Coach specializing in trauma-informed coaching for survivors. Her book, “Healing What Hides in the Shadows: A Private Journey Through Sexual Trauma Recovery,” offers practical tools for healing without requiring disclosure. Learn more at coachagenna.com.
If you’re in crisis:
- RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
- Crisis Text Line: Text HELLO to 741741
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
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