Part 1 of 3: Surviving Thanksgiving as a Trauma Survivor
It’s happening again. The group text is lighting up your phone. “Who’s bringing what?” “What time should we arrive?” “Can’t wait to see everyone!”
And there it is—that familiar knot in your stomach. The tightness in your chest. The mental calculation you’ve been doing for weeks: Will they be there? Can I handle it? What excuse can I use this time?
Let me stop you right there.
You don’t need an excuse.
The Truth Nobody Says Out Loud
You don’t have to go home for Thanksgiving if your abuser will be there.
Read that again. Let it sink in.
You don’t have to sit across the table from the person who hurt you. You don’t have to make small talk with someone who violated you. You don’t have to pretend everything is fine while your nervous system screams danger. You don’t have to sacrifice your peace, your safety, or your healing for mashed potatoes and tradition.
Going home for Thanksgiving when your abuser will be there isn’t brave—it’s optional.
And choosing not to go? That’s not weakness. That’s not being dramatic. That’s not “letting them win.”
That’s wisdom.
Why This Is Actually the Brave Choice
Society has it backwards. We’re told that showing up to family gatherings no matter what is the “right” thing to do. That “keeping the peace” is admirable. That forgiveness means sitting at the same table as the person who harmed you.
But here’s what actual bravery looks like:
Bravery is recognizing that your safety matters more than tradition.
Bravery is disappointing people who would rather you stay silent than speak your truth.
Bravery is choosing healing over the comfort of everyone else.
Bravery is saying “no” when your nervous system is screaming “danger” and everyone around you is saying “but it’s family.”
The scared version of you that keeps showing up year after year, enduring triggering situations while smiling through dinner? That’s not strength—that’s survival mode. And you’ve survived enough.
You survived the abuse. You don’t have to keep surviving every family gathering too.
You Don’t Owe Anyone These Things
As Thanksgiving approaches and the pressure mounts, let me be very clear about what you DON’T owe anyone:
You don’t owe them:
- Your presence
- An explanation that satisfies them
- Forgiveness on their timeline
- Politeness toward your abuser
- Pretending everything is fine
- Protecting your abuser’s reputation
- Family harmony at the cost of your wellbeing
- Another Thanksgiving of white-knuckling through dinner
- Your silence
- Your peace of mind
- One more chance
What you DO deserve:
- Safety
- Respect for your boundaries
- A holiday that doesn’t retraumatize you
- To be believed when you say “I can’t”
- Time and space to heal
- People who prioritize your wellbeing over appearances
As I write in my book Healing What Hides in the Shadows, “You don’t owe anyone silence. Family comfort doesn’t trump your healing.”
Your story belongs to you. Your Thanksgiving belongs to you. Your healing belongs to you.
How to Communicate Your Decision
If you’ve decided not to attend Thanksgiving, you might be wondering: How do I tell them?
First, remember: You don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation. But if you want to communicate your decision, here are some approaches:
The Direct Approach
“I won’t be attending Thanksgiving this year. I’ve made this decision for my wellbeing, and it’s not up for discussion.”
The Boundary-Setting Approach
“I’ll only attend if [abuser’s name] is not there. Otherwise, I’ll need to skip this year.”
The Alternative Offer
“I won’t be there on Thursday, but I’d love to see you on Friday for coffee if you’re free.”
The Simple Decline
“I have other plans this year. Hope you have a great holiday.”
The Honest Approach (for safe people only)
“I’m not comfortable being around [person] right now. I need to prioritize my mental health this holiday season.”
Important: You are NOT required to:
- Justify your decision
- Provide proof of harm
- Convince anyone you’re making the right choice
- Engage in lengthy explanations or debates
- Answer invasive questions
- Negotiate or compromise your boundary
If someone pushes back, you can repeat: “This isn’t up for discussion. I need you to respect my decision.”
Dealing With Guilt and Pressure
The guilt might feel overwhelming. You might hear (from others or from that voice in your head):
“But it’s Thanksgiving!”
“You’re ruining the holiday for everyone.”
“You need to forgive and move on.”
“It was so long ago.”
“They’re family—you can’t just abandon family.”
“You’re being too sensitive.”
“What will everyone think?”
Let me reframe every single one of those:
“But it’s Thanksgiving!”
→ Thanksgiving is supposed to feel safe. When it doesn’t, you have every right to opt out.
“You’re ruining the holiday.”
→ The person who abused you ruined things long before you set a boundary.
“You need to forgive and move on.”
→ Forgiveness doesn’t require proximity. You can forgive (if/when you choose to) from a distance.
“It was so long ago.”
→ Trauma doesn’t have an expiration date. Your healing happens on your timeline, not theirs.
“They’re family.”
→ Family doesn’t get automatic access to hurt you repeatedly. Being related by blood doesn’t erase harm.
“You’re being too sensitive.”
→ Your sensitivity is your nervous system trying to protect you. That’s wisdom, not weakness.
“What will everyone think?”
→ Anyone who prioritizes appearances over your safety doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
The guilt you feel? That’s not your conscience. That’s your conditioning.
You were taught that family comes first (even abusive family), that you should forgive and forget (even without apology or change), that your feelings matter less than everyone else’s comfort, and that missing holidays is wrong (even when attending harms you).
None of that is true.
Alternative Ways to Spend Thanksgiving
If you’re not going home, you might be wondering: What do I do instead?
Here are some meaningful alternatives that honor your healing:
Create Your Own Celebration
- Friendsgiving with people who feel truly safe
- Solo sanctuary – make your favorite meal, watch movies you love, rest deeply
- Potluck with other people who can’t/won’t go home – you’re not alone in this
Give Back
- Volunteer at a shelter, soup kitchen, or community center
- Serve others who also can’t go home—there’s healing in shared understanding
Travel or Adventure
- Visit a place that brings you peace
- Take that trip you’ve been wanting to take
- Explore a new city where you can be anonymous and free
Work or Routine
- Some survivors find comfort in working the holiday
- Keeping your normal routine can feel safer than disruption
Rest and Restore
- This is a GREAT day to sleep in, read, take a bath, journal
- Give yourself permission to do absolutely nothing
Start New Traditions
- This is your chance to redefine what Thanksgiving means to you
- What would feel nourishing? Joyful? Peaceful? Do that.
Remember: You’re not missing out. You’re choosing differently. And that takes more courage than showing up to a harmful situation ever would.
What to Tell Yourself When You Doubt
The days leading up to Thanksgiving might be hard. You might second-guess yourself. You might wonder if you’re making the right choice.
When doubt creeps in, come back to these truths:
✓ “My safety is not negotiable.”
✓ “I don’t have to earn the right to protect myself.”
✓ “Choosing my wellbeing over tradition is valid.”
✓ “My healing matters more than their comfort.”
✓ “I survived the abuse. I don’t have to survive every family dinner too.”
✓ “Not going doesn’t mean I’m weak—it means I’m wise.”
✓ “This decision honors the part of me that needed protection and didn’t get it.”
✓ “I’m not abandoning anyone. I’m choosing myself.”
And here’s the most important one:
“This feeling will pass. My safety is worth the temporary discomfort of going against expectations.”
You’re Not Alone in This
If you’re reading this and feeling seen—you’re not alone. Thousands of trauma survivors face this exact decision every holiday season. Some skip. Some go with safety plans. Some do both at different points in their healing.
There’s no “right” answer except the one that protects your wellbeing.
What I know for certain after years of working with trauma survivors is this: Every single person who has prioritized their safety over family obligation has told me they’re glad they did it. Not one has regretted choosing themselves.
The regrets always come from the years they didn’t protect themselves. The holidays they white-knuckled through. The dinners that set their healing back months.
You won’t regret choosing safety. You’ll regret the years you didn’t.
Your Healing Matters Most
Thanksgiving will come and go. Family dynamics will shift and change. But your healing? That’s forever. That’s the foundation of the rest of your life.
Every time you choose your safety, you’re telling that hurt part of yourself: “I’ve got you now. I’m the adult who protects you. You don’t have to go through that again.”
That’s not selfish. That’s sacred.
As I write in Healing What Hides in the Shadows: A Private Journey Through Sexual Trauma Recovery, “Boundaries aren’t walls that keep everyone out. Boundaries are knowing what feels okay and what doesn’t. Think of them like the walls of a house—they aren’t there to trap you inside, they’re there to create a safe space where you choose who enters.”
Your abuser doesn’t get automatic access just because it’s a holiday.
The door to your peace? You hold the key.
What’s Next
This is Part 1 of our 3-part series: Surviving Thanksgiving as a Trauma Survivor
- Part 2: If You’re Going: Your Thanksgiving Safety Plan & Boundary Guide – For those who’ve decided to attend but need strategies to stay safe
Download your Safety Plan here - Part 3: After the Holiday: Processing, Recovery & What to Do If Boundaries Were Crossed
Coming Friday: If you’ve decided you ARE going to Thanksgiving despite your abuser being there, Part 2 will give you a comprehensive safety plan, boundary scripts, grounding techniques, and emergency strategies to protect yourself.
A Final Word
If you skip Thanksgiving this year, know this: You’re not ruining anything. You’re reclaiming something.
You’re reclaiming your right to safety. Your right to peace. Your right to heal on your terms, at your pace, without performing for anyone.
That’s not missing out. That’s showing up—for yourself.
And after everything you’ve been through, you deserve someone who shows up for you. Even if—especially if—that someone has to be you.
You’ve survived worse than a missed Thanksgiving. Trust yourself.
If you’re in crisis:
- RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
- Crisis Text Line: Text HELLO to 741741
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
Your turn: Are you facing this decision this Thanksgiving? What’s been most helpful as you navigate this choice? Share in the comments below—your experience might help another survivor feeling alone in this struggle.
Agenna Mathley is a certified Life and Mindset Coach specializing in trauma-informed coaching for survivors. Her book, “Healing What Hides in the Shadows: A Private Journey Through Sexual Trauma Recovery,” offers practical tools for healing without requiring disclosure. Learn more at coachagenna.com.
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