If You’re Going: Your Complete Christmas Safety Plan

by agenna | Dec 14, 2025 | Uncategorized

Part 2 of the Christmas Survival Series for Trauma Survivors

So you’ve decided to go.

Maybe you weighed the options, and attendance feels like the right choice this year. Maybe the cost of not going feels higher than the cost of going. Maybe you’re not ready to skip entirely, but you know you can’t walk in unprotected like you have in years past.

Whatever your reasons, I’m not here to talk you out of it.

I’m here to make sure you go in protected.

Because here’s what I know after years of working with trauma survivors: going to a family gathering where your abuser might be present—or where you know you’ll be triggered—without a safety plan is like walking into a storm without shelter. You might survive. But why would you choose to go unprotected when you don’t have to?

This post is your shelter. Your armor. Your exit strategy.

Read it. Save it. Use it.

Before We Start: Should You Actually Go?

Before we build your safety plan, I need you to pause and honestly answer this question:

Should you actually go?

Not “am I expected to go?” Not “will people be upset if I don’t go?” Not “have I always gone?”

Should YOU go? Is it safe—emotionally, psychologically, physically—for you to attend?

Here are some signs that maybe you shouldn’t:

• Your abuser will be there, and you have no support system attending with you
• You don’t have your own transportation or a guaranteed way out
• You’re in a fragile place in your healing, and this could set you back significantly
• Your gut is screaming, “don’t go,” and you’re trying to logic your way past it
• You went last year, and it took you months to recover
• You’re only going because you’re afraid of what people will think if you don’t

If any of those resonate, go back and read Part 1. You have permission to skip. You have permission to protect yourself. Attendance is not mandatory just because it’s Christmas.

But if you’ve genuinely decided that going is the right choice for you this year, let’s make sure you’re ready.

The Five Non-Negotiables

These aren’t suggestions. They’re not “nice to have.” They are non-negotiable requirements for attending any gathering where you might be triggered or where your abuser will be present.

If you can’t have all five, you need to seriously reconsider going.

Non-Negotiable #1: Your Own Transportation

You must be able to leave whenever you need to—without asking permission, without waiting for someone else, without negotiating.

This means:

Drive yourself. This is ideal. Your car, your keys, your timeline.

Or have a guaranteed ride out. If you can’t drive yourself, you need someone who will leave the moment you say “we need to go”—no questions, no “just five more minutes,” no guilt trips. This person needs to understand in advance that when you say go, you go.

Or have backup transportation ready. Uber or Lyft app downloaded and logged in. Enough money in your account to get home. A friend on standby who can pick you up with a single text.

What this is NOT:

• Riding with family members who will pressure you to stay
• Depending on someone who might drink and not be able to drive
• Assuming you can “figure it out” if you need to leave
• Hoping someone will be willing to leave when you’re ready

You do NOT get stuck there because someone else has the keys. Period.

Non-Negotiable #2: A Support Person Who Knows the Situation

You need someone who knows what you’re walking into.

This could be:

Someone attending with you — a partner, friend, or safe family member who understands the situation, knows who your abuser is (or what your triggers are), and will stay close, check in, and leave when you need to leave.

Or someone on speed dial — if you can’t bring someone with you, have a person you can text throughout the event. Someone who will respond. Someone you can call from the bathroom if you’re falling apart. Someone who will come get you if needed.

Your support person should know:

• The basics of what you’re dealing with (they don’t need every detail)
• Who to watch out for, or what situations might be triggering
• Your code words (more on that below)
• That their job is to support you, not to fix you or coach you through it
• That when you say “we’re leaving,” you mean NOW

Before the event, have a direct conversation: “I need you to have my back at this thing. Here’s what that looks like.”

Non-Negotiable #3: A Time Limit Decided BEFORE You Arrive

Not “I’ll see how it goes.” Not “I’ll stay as long as I can handle it.”

A specific time. Decided in advance. Non-negotiable.

“I’m arriving at 2 pm and leaving at 5 pm.”

“I’m staying for two hours maximum.”

“I’m leaving before it gets dark.”

Write it down. Tell your support person. Set an alarm on your phone.

When that alarm goes off, you leave. Even if dinner isn’t served yet. Even if people protest. Even if you’re “having a good time” (because sometimes we push past our limits when things seem okay, only to crash later).

The time limit isn’t about whether you’re struggling. It’s about protecting your capacity. It’s about leaving before you’re depleted, not after.

Decide it now. Commit to it. Honor it.

Non-Negotiable #4: An Exit Strategy and Code Words

You need to know exactly how you’re going to leave and what you’ll say.

Your exit strategy includes:

• Where is your coat/purse/keys? (Keep them accessible, not buried in a bedroom closet)
• Where is your car parked? (Not blocked in by other cars)
• What will you say when you leave?

Exit phrases to practice:

• “We need to head out. Thanks for having us.”
• “I’m not feeling well. I’m going to go.”
• “I have an early morning tomorrow. Merry Christmas!”
• “Time for us to go. See you next time.”

You don’t owe anyone an explanation. “We’re heading out” is complete. If someone pushes, you can repeat: “Yep, time to go. Bye!”

Code words with your support person:

These are phrases that sound normal but signal something specific to the person who knows what they mean.

Examples:

Decide these BEFORE the event. Practice them. Make sure your support person knows exactly what each one means.

Non-Negotiable #5: Phone Charged and Cash in Your Pocket

This one is practical and simple, but people forget it.

Phone fully charged — so you can text your support person, call for a ride, or access resources if you need them.

Cash or card accessible — enough to pay for an Uber, a taxi, a hotel room if necessary. Don’t rely on Venmo or Apple Pay alone—have a backup.

Your phone should have:

• Your support person’s number easily accessible (not buried in contacts)
• Uber/Lyft app downloaded and ready
• A playlist that calms you down (for bathroom breaks or the drive home)
• Crisis resources saved, just in case (988, Crisis Text Line)

You don’t want to be scrambling to find a charger or realizing you can’t pay for a ride when you’re already in crisis mode.

Physical Safety: Positioning and Awareness

Where you are in the room matters. How you position yourself can be the difference between manageable and meltdown.

Sit near an exit. Always have a clear path out. Don’t let yourself get trapped in a corner, at the far end of a long table, or in a room with only one door.

Never be alone with your abuser. Stay in public spaces, group settings, where there are witnesses. If they try to get you alone—”Can I talk to you for a sec?”—you decline. “I’m good here.” Walk toward other people.

Know where the bathrooms are. The bathroom is your escape room. When you need to ground yourself, text your support person, or just breathe—you go there. Nobody questions a bathroom break.

Be aware of the kitchen/drink situation. If your abuser might have access to your food or drink, don’t leave things unattended. This might sound paranoid, but trust your gut.

Position yourself near your support person. Close enough to make eye contact, exchange code words, or grab them if you need to leave quickly.

Avoid photographs if needed. You don’t have to pose next to your abuser. You don’t have to smile for the family photo. “I’m not up for pictures right now” is a complete sentence.

The Alcohol Boundary

I need to be direct about this one: Limit your alcohol, or skip it entirely.

Here’s why:

• Alcohol lowers your defenses
• Alcohol impairs your ability to recognize danger signals
• Alcohol makes it harder to maintain boundaries
• Alcohol can intensify emotional responses
• Alcohol might make you dependent on someone else to drive

Your nervous system needs to stay sharp. You need access to your full awareness and your full capacity to protect yourself.

My strong recommendation: One drink maximum. Or none.

I know this might feel hard, especially if drinking is how you’ve coped with family gatherings before. But this year, you’re doing it differently. You’re going in protected. That means clear-headed.

If family pressures you to drink more:

• “I’m good, thanks.”
• “I’m driving.”
• “Not tonight.”

You don’t need to explain. Repeat as needed.

Managing Multiple Events Across Multiple Days

Christmas often isn’t one gathering—it’s several. Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, different sides of the family, work parties, neighborhood gatherings, church services.

Apply the same rules to every event:

Each gathering is a separate decision. Saying yes to one doesn’t mean yes to all.

Strategies for multiple events:

Build in buffer time. Don’t schedule back-to-back gatherings. Give yourself recovery time between events—even if it’s just an hour in your car listening to music.

Prioritize ruthlessly. Which events are most important? Which are the least safe? You might choose to attend one and skip another. That’s okay.

Decline overnights if possible. Staying at someone else’s house removes your ability to leave when you need to. If you can sleep in your own bed, do it. “I’ll come for dinner, but I’m not staying overnight.”

Plan self-care between events. How will you decompress? A bath? A walk? Time alone? Calling a friend? Build it into the schedule.

Recognize when you’re depleted. If you’ve done two events and you’re running on empty, it’s okay to cancel the third. Protecting your capacity is more important than perfect attendance.

Surviving Church at Christmas

For many trauma survivors, church is complicated. Maybe your abuse happened in a religious context. Maybe church is where your abuser is celebrated. Maybe the pressure to “forgive” or “let go” is weaponized from the pulpit. Maybe sitting in that building makes your skin crawl.

You have permission to skip church this Christmas.

God doesn’t need you in that building to love you. Your faith (if you have one) isn’t measured by attendance at a Christmas Eve service.

But if you’re going—whether by choice or because the pressure is too intense—here’s how to protect yourself:

Sit near an exit. Back row, near a door. You need to be able to leave quietly if you need to.

Have your own transportation. Don’t ride with family who won’t leave until the service is over. If you need to step out and not come back, you can.

Give yourself permission to not participate. You don’t have to sing. You don’t have to stand. You don’t have to take communion. You don’t have to shake hands during “greeting time.” You can sit quietly, and that’s enough.

Step out if you need to. “I need some air.” “I’m going to use the restroom.” You don’t have to sit through something that’s harming you just because everyone else is staying.

It’s okay to leave before it ends. Slip out during a song. You don’t need to stay for the whole thing. You don’t need to explain.

Gift-Giving Landmines

Gifts at Christmas can be loaded—especially when abuse is part of the picture.

Gifts from your abuser:

You don’t have to accept them. A gift doesn’t erase what happened. A gift doesn’t obligate you to anything. If they hand you something, you can say “No, thank you” and not take it. Or you can take it, set it aside, and throw it away later. Or you can open it politely and feel nothing—because a box with a bow is not an apology.

If there’s public gift-opening:

You might be put on the spot to open a gift from your abuser in front of everyone. Options:

• “I’ll open this later.” (Set it aside.)
• Open it, say “thanks,” and move on. You don’t have to perform gratitude.
• Have your support person run interference.

Giving gifts to your abuser:

You don’t have to. “I’m not exchanging gifts with everyone this year” is fine. If someone asks why they didn’t get a gift from you, “I’m keeping it simple this year” is a complete answer.

The manipulation of gifts:

Some abusers use gifts to buy access, to look good in front of family, or to create a sense of debt (“After everything I’ve given you…”). Recognize it for what it is. A gift is not currency. It doesn’t buy your silence, your forgiveness, or your presence at future events.

What to Do If You’re Triggered

Even with the best safety plan, triggers can happen. Here’s what to do:

Step 1: Recognize it.

Body signals: Heart racing, sweating, shaking, stomach pain, feeling frozen, chest tightening, sudden exhaustion.

Mind signals: Racing thoughts, mind going blank, feeling disconnected, confusion, urge to run or hide.

Name it: “I’m triggered right now.”

Step 2: Remove yourself from the situation.

Excuse yourself. Bathroom. Outside. Another room. Your car. Anywhere away from the immediate trigger.

“I need some air.” “Excuse me for a minute.” “I’m going to step out.”

Step 3: Ground yourself.

Use the 5-4-3-2-1 technique: Name 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, 1 thing you taste.

Or try: Cold water on your wrists. Ice from a drink held in your hand. Feet pressed firmly into the floor.

Or: Text your support person. You don’t even have to say much. Just “I’m struggling” can be enough.

Step 4: Decide what comes next.

Can you return to the gathering? Do you need more time? Do you need to leave?

There is no wrong answer. Leaving is always, always an option. You don’t have to push through. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone.

Step 5: If you’re leaving, leave.

Grab your support person. Use your exit strategy. Go.

You can explain later. Or not. Right now, your only job is to get yourself to safety.

After Each Event: Immediate Decompression

Don’t skip this part.

After you leave a gathering, you need time to decompress. This isn’t optional—it’s part of the safety plan.

In the car:

• Sit in your car for a few minutes before driving
• Play music that soothes you
• Take some deep breaths
• Text your support person that you’re out

When you get home:

• Change into comfortable clothes
• Drink water
• Do something that grounds you (shower, walk, stretch)
• Don’t immediately process or analyze—just let your nervous system settle
• Be gentle with yourself

What to avoid:

• Don’t numb out with alcohol or substances
• Don’t scroll social media, looking at everyone’s “perfect Christmas” posts
• Don’t beat yourself up for how you handled things
• Don’t immediately jump into the next obligation

Give yourself recovery time. You just did something hard. Rest.

Your Emergency Toolkit: What to Bring

Here’s a practical list of what to have with you:

In your pocket/purse:

• Phone (fully charged)
• Cash and/or card
• Car keys (easily accessible)
• Fidget toy or grounding object (smooth stone, stress ball)
• Strong mints or gum (sensory grounding)
• Small notebook and pen (for grounding through writing)
• Headphones (for bathroom breaks)

On your phone:

• Support person’s contact (favorited)
• Uber/Lyft app (ready to use)
• Calming playlist
• A photo that makes you feel safe/happy
• Crisis resources saved (988, Crisis Text Line: 741741, RAINN: 1-800-656-4673)

In your car:

• Blanket
• Water
• Snacks
• Change of comfortable clothes
• Anything that helps you feel safe

In your mind:

• Your time limit
• Your code words
• Your exit phrases
• The reminder: “I can leave whenever I need to.”

A Final Word Before You Go

You’re doing something brave.

Not because attending a family gathering is automatically brave—sometimes skipping is the braver choice.

But going in protected, with boundaries, with a plan? That’s you showing up for yourself. That’s you saying: “I’m going to do this, but I’m going to do it differently than before.”

That takes courage.

So before you walk in, remind yourself:

• I have a plan.
• I have a way out.
• I have support.
• I can leave whenever I need to.
• I’m not trapped.
• I survived the actual trauma. I can survive this dinner.
• My safety matters.
• I matter.

You’ve got this. And if at any point you realize you don’t got this—you leave. That’s not failure. That’s wisdom.

Go in protected. Come out whole.

What’s Next

This is Part 2 of my Christmas Survival Series for trauma survivors.
Download your Christmas Survival Guide here 

Coming next:

• Part 3: Grounding, Coping & Surviving: In-the-Moment Tools for Christmas (specific techniques to use when you’re triggered during the gathering)
• Part 4: After the Holidays: Recovery, Self-Compassion & Looking Ahead

Already published:

• Part 1: You Don’t Have to Go: Permission to Protect Your Peace This Christmas

Save this post. Screenshot your emergency toolkit. Share this with someone who needs it.

And if you need more support, I’m here.

If you’re struggling with thoughts of self-harm or suicide during the holiday season, please reach out:

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988)
• Crisis Text Line (text HOME to 741741)
• RAINN: 1-800-656-4673

You matter. Please stay.

Secondary Trauma: When Their Pain Becomes Yours

by agenna | Nov 23, 2025 | Uncategorized

Understanding vicarious trauma in caregivers

You wake up in a panic, heart racing, drenched in sweat.

But nothing happened to YOU.

Your child is the one in crisis. You’re just the one watching.

So why does your body feel like YOU’RE the one under attack?

Because you are.

What Is Secondary Traumatic Stress?

Secondary traumatic stress (also called vicarious trauma or compassion fatigue) is what happens when you absorb someone else’s trauma into your own nervous system.

It’s the psychological and physiological impact of loving someone who’s in constant pain.

Here’s the science:

Your brain has something called mirror neurons—cells that fire both when you perform an action AND when you watch someone else perform that action.

When you watch someone you love suffer, your brain processes it as if YOU are suffering.

Your nervous system doesn’t distinguish between:

• Danger happening TO you
• Danger happening to someone you love

So when your child is in crisis, YOUR body responds as if YOU are in crisis.

Your cortisol spikes.
Your heart races.
Your muscles tense.
Your immune system weakens.

And if that crisis is CHRONIC (lasting months or years), your nervous system gets stuck in “ON” mode.

You develop symptoms that look nearly identical to PTSD—even though the trauma isn’t happening directly to you.

The Symptoms

Do you:

Re-experiencing (Intrusive Thoughts):

☐ Replay worst-case scenarios constantly
☐ Have nightmares about losing them
☐ See images of them in pain even when eyes are closed
☐ Can’t stop thinking about them even when you try
☐ Get triggered by reminders (certain songs, places, objects)

Hypervigilance (Always “On Alert”):

☐ Jump every time your phone rings
☐ Constantly check on them
☐ Scan for danger signs
☐ Can’t relax because you’re waiting for bad news
☐ Startle easily at sudden noises or movements

Avoidance:

☐ Avoid conversations about their condition
☐ Avoid your own feelings (stay busy so you don’t have to feel)
☐ Avoid things that remind you of the situation
☐ Withdraw from social situations

Negative Beliefs:

☐ “It’s my fault”
☐ “I should be able to fix this”
☐ “I’m a failure as a parent”
☐ “The world is not safe”
☐ “I can’t trust anyone/anything”
☐ “Nothing will ever be okay again”

Physical Symptoms:

☐ Exhaustion that sleep doesn’t fix
☐ Tension headaches, tight chest, stomach issues
☐ Weakened immune system (getting sick often)
☐ Chronic pain (back, neck, shoulders)
☐ Sleep disturbances

Emotional Numbing:

☐ Can’t feel joy even when good things happen
☐ Feel detached or “foggy”
☐ Loss of interest in things you used to love
☐ Feel like you’re just going through the motions

Irritability & Mood Changes:

☐ Snap at people you love
☐ Short fuse, easily frustrated
☐ Cry easily or feel on the verge of tears constantly
☐ Rage that feels disproportionate

If you checked 5 or more, you’re likely experiencing secondary traumatic stress.

Why It’s Worse for Parents

Secondary trauma hits parents especially hard because:

1. You’re biologically wired to protect your child

Evolution designed your brain to keep your offspring alive. When your child is in danger (even psychological danger), your nervous system treats it as a threat to YOUR survival.

2. You can’t escape the “threat”

Unlike other traumatic situations that have a clear end, your child’s struggle may be ongoing for years or decades. Your nervous system never gets a break.

3. You feel responsible

Even when you logically know you didn’t cause their condition, the parental instinct says “I should be able to protect them.” The cognitive dissonance creates constant stress.

4. Society tells you to sacrifice yourself

We glorify the “martyr mother” who gives up everything for her child. So when you try to care for yourself, guilt floods in.

5. Your identity is wrapped up in their well-being

When your child suffers, you don’t just worry about them—you question your worth, your purpose, your very identity as a parent.

The Cycle That Keeps You Stuck

Here’s what happens:

1. Your child is in crisis → Your nervous system activates (fight/flight/freeze)
2. You can’t actually fight or flee (the threat is in their brain, not something you can physically combat) → Cortisol stays elevated
3. The crisis doesn’t resolve → Nervous system stays activated
4. You feel guilty for caring for yourself → You don’t rest, regulate, or recover
5. Your nervous system gets MORE dysregulated → Symptoms worsen
6. You’re less able to cope → Everything feels harder
7. Repeat

You’re stuck in a trauma loop that has no clear exit.

Why You Can’t “Just Calm Down”

Well-meaning people might tell you:

• “Just take a deep breath”
• “Try not to worry so much”
• “You need to relax”
• “Think positive”

And you want to scream because THEY DON’T GET IT.

Here’s why you can’t just calm down:

Your nervous system is not under conscious control.

When you’ve been in chronic stress for years, your autonomic nervous system (the part that regulates fight/flight/freeze) gets stuck.

It’s like a smoke alarm that won’t turn off—even when there’s no fire in THIS moment, your body is convinced there’s ALWAYS a fire.

You can’t think your way out of a nervous system problem.

You have to regulate your way out.

How to Begin Healing from Secondary Trauma

1. NAME IT

Just knowing “this is secondary trauma, not weakness” can reduce shame.

When symptoms show up, say:
“That’s my nervous system responding to chronic threat. It’s doing its job. I’m not crazy.”

2. REGULATE YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM DAILY

You can’t eliminate the stressor (your child’s condition), but you CAN teach your nervous system to come down from high alert:

• Box Breathing (4-4-4-4) – 5 minutes, 2x daily
• Cold water on face (activates vagus nerve, calms system)
• Movement (walk, yoga, stretching—releases cortisol)
• Bilateral stimulation (butterfly hug, tapping, EMDR)
• Humming/singing (vagus nerve activation)

3. CREATE WINDOWS OF SAFETY

Your nervous system needs to experience moments where the threat is NOT present.

Even if your child is still struggling, in THIS moment, right now, you are safe.

Practice saying: “Right now, in this moment, I am safe. My body can rest.”

4. BOUNDARIES (Even Mental Ones)

You can love your child AND have boundaries:

• Time boundaries: “I will check on them X times per day, not constantly”
• Mental boundaries: “I will not Google their condition at 2am”
• Emotional boundaries: “I can care deeply without carrying ALL their pain”

5. RECLAIM JOY (Even in Small Doses)

Your nervous system needs evidence that life can still have goodness in it.

Do ONE small joyful thing daily:

• 10-minute walk
• Cup of coffee in silence
• Listen to music
• Call a friend
• Pet your dog
• Sit in sunshine

Not because everything is fixed.
But because your nervous system needs to remember what “safe and calm” feels like.

The Hard Truth

You cannot heal from trauma while you’re still actively living in it.

As long as your child is in crisis, you will have some level of secondary trauma.

But you CAN:

• Reduce the severity
• Build windows of relief
• Prevent it from consuming you entirely
• Develop resilience
• Find moments of peace even in the chaos

The goal isn’t to eliminate stress.
The goal is to survive it without losing yourself entirely.

What Your Body Needs to Hear

If you could speak to your nervous system, here’s what it needs to hear:

“Thank you for trying to protect me.”

“I know you think we’re in constant danger.”

“But right now, in this moment, we are safe.”

“You can rest for a few minutes.”

“I’ve got us.”

You Are Not Weak

The fact that you’re experiencing secondary trauma doesn’t mean you’re weak.

It means you love deeply.

It means you’re human.

It means your nervous system is doing its job—trying to protect someone you love.

But you can’t protect them by destroying yourself.

You have to survive this too.