Part 1 of the “Questions Nobody Asks Out Loud” Series
There are questions about sexual trauma you Google at 2am. Questions you delete from your search history. Questions that make you feel like maybe you’re the only person twisted enough to even wonder about them.
Spoiler alert: you’re not.
As a coach who works with trauma survivors—and as someone who’s walked this road myself—I’ve heard them all. And I’m going to answer the ones nobody talks about, starting with the questions about your body that make you feel the most shame.
Because here’s the thing: your questions aren’t evidence that you’re broken. They’re evidence that you’re human, you’re hurting, and you’re trying to make sense of something that never should have happened.
In this post, I’m answering five questions that keep trauma survivors up at night—the ones you’re too ashamed to ask your therapist, too afraid to Google from your work computer, too convinced make you uniquely broken.
Spoiler: none of them do.
In This Post:
- Why physical arousal during abuse is NOT consent
- What body memories are and why they’re so powerful
- Why dissociation happens during wanted intimacy
- The truth about being “damaged goods” (you’re not)
- Where to get help when you’re ready
The Questions Nobody Asks (But Everyone Wonders)
Question 1: “Is it normal that I felt physical pleasure during the abuse?”
Yes. And I need you to hear this: physical arousal is not consent. It’s not participation. It’s not proof you wanted it.
Your body has automatic responses—like your knee jerking when the doctor taps it, or your mouth watering when you smell food. Sexual arousal is the same kind of automatic response. It’s your nervous system doing what it’s designed to do when certain nerve endings are stimulated.
Abusers sometimes deliberately trigger arousal because it creates exactly this confusion and shame. They know it will make you less likely to tell, more likely to blame yourself, more convinced that somehow you’re complicit in your own violation.
But listen: arousal is a physiological response, not a moral choice. Your body responding doesn’t mean your soul agreed. It doesn’t make you guilty. It makes you human with a functioning nervous system that couldn’t tell the difference between wanted and unwanted touch in that moment.
“Arousal is a physiological response, not a moral choice. Your body responding doesn’t mean your soul agreed.”
The shame you feel about this? That belongs to the person who hurt you, not to you.
Question 2: “Why Does Sexual Trauma Make Me Feel Nauseous During Intimacy?”
Because your body remembers what your mind might want to forget.
When someone violated you, your nervous system recorded every detail—not just what happened, but what it felt like in your body. The vulnerability of being touched. The powerlessness. The fear. All of that got stored as “DANGER.”
Now, even in safe situations with people you love and trust, your body might be screaming “ABORT MISSION” because intimacy triggers those old danger signals. Your nervous system can’t always tell the difference between then and now, wanted and unwanted, and safe and unsafe.
This shows up as:
- Nausea or stomach pain
- Headaches or muscle tension
- Going numb or feeling disconnected
- Panic attacks
- Suddenly feeling angry or afraid
- Your mind going completely blank
“This isn’t rejection of your partner. It’s your body trying to protect you from something that already happened.”
The good news? Your nervous system can learn new associations. It just takes time, patience, and often some specific nervous system work to teach your body that intimacy can be safe.
(This is exactly the kind of thing I work on with coaching clients—helping your body update its threat detection system.)
Read more: Why Your Body Hasn’t Gotten the Memo That You’re Safe
Question 3: “Can my body actually ‘remember’ trauma even if my mind doesn’t?”
Absolutely yes.
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk wrote an entire book about this called The Body Keeps the Score. Trauma memories don’t get stored the same way regular memories do. They get fragmented and scattered throughout your brain and body.
Your conscious mind might have no clear memory of what happened—especially if the trauma occurred when you were very young, or if your brain protected you by blocking it out. But your body? Your body kept the receipt.
This is why you might:
- Feel inexplicably anxious in certain situations
- Have physical pain with no medical explanation
- React intensely to specific smells, sounds, or touches
- Feel unsafe for “no reason”
- Dissociate or disconnect from your body
These aren’t random. They’re your body’s way of saying, “Hey, something about this situation reminds me of danger, even if you don’t consciously remember why.”
And before you ask—yes, this is real. No, you’re not making it up. Your body doesn’t lie about this stuff.
Want to Go Deeper?
In Healing What Hides in the Shadows, I walk through:
✓ Comprehensive body-based healing practices
✓ Nervous system regulation techniques you can do privately
✓ Step-by-step tools for reclaiming your body after trauma
✓ No pressure to disclose your story to anyone
Question 4: “Why do I dissociate during sex even though I WANT to be present?”
Because dissociation was your superpower during the abuse, and your brain hasn’t gotten the memo that you don’t need it anymore.
When trauma was happening and you couldn’t fight or flee, your brain did something brilliant: it helped you leave. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. You went somewhere else. You floated near the ceiling. You imagined you were anywhere but in your body experiencing what was happening.
This is called dissociation, and it literally saved your sanity.
The problem? Your brain learned this strategy so well that now it automatically deploys it whenever intimacy happens—even wanted, safe intimacy. The second things get vulnerable or intense, your brain goes, “Oh! I know this drill!” and checks you out of your body.
You’re not choosing this. You’re not broken. Your brain is still running an old protection program that it hasn’t updated yet.
Learning to stay present during intimacy is possible, but it’s gradual work. It requires:
- Going slow (like, painfully slow)
- Communicating with your partner about what’s happening
- Grounding techniques to keep you in your body
- Sometimes working with a trauma-informed therapist or coach who can help you rewire these automatic responses
In my coaching work, I help clients develop specific practices to gently train their nervous system to stay present during vulnerability. It’s not about forcing yourself to “get over it.” It’s about teaching your body that the rules have changed.
One client recently told me, “I finally understand why my body reacts this way. For the first time in 15 years, I don’t feel broken—I feel like I’m healing.”
Related reading: Trauma, Sleep, and the Body That Won’t Rest
Question 5: “Does this make me damaged goods?”
No. Full stop. End of sentence.
But I know you don’t believe me yet, so let me say it differently:
What happened to you added chapters to your story. It didn’t define the whole book.
Yes, sexual trauma changes you. It reorganizes your nervous system. It affects how you see the world, how you relate to people, how you experience your own body. That’s real, and we’re not going to pretend it’s not.
But “changed” doesn’t mean “ruined.” “Affected” doesn’t mean “destroyed.”
I’ve worked with countless survivors who thought they were too broken for healthy relationships, good jobs, normal lives, genuine joy. And then I watched them heal. Not because they went back to who they were before (you can’t), but because they discovered who they could become after.
“You’re not damaged goods. You’re a person who survived something terrible and is still here, still trying, still hoping things can get better. And that? That’s not damaged. That’s strong as hell.”
You’re not damaged goods. You’re a person who survived something terrible and is still here, still trying, still hoping things can get better.
And that? That’s not damaged. That’s strong as hell.
Why These Questions Matter
Every time you ask a question you’re afraid to ask, you’re taking back a little piece of power. You’re refusing to let shame keep you isolated and confused.
These questions—about arousal, about body memories, about dissociation, about whether you’re too broken—they’re not signs of weakness. They’re signs you’re ready to stop suffering alone.
If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself in these questions about sexual trauma, I want you to know: healing is possible. You don’t have to stay stuck in confusion and shame. You don’t have to keep Googling at 2am wondering if you’re the only one.
Ready to Stop Googling at 2am?
If you’re recognizing yourself in these questions, you don’t have to figure this out alone.
Three ways I can help:
📖 Read the Book
Healing What Hides in the Shadows gives you comprehensive, body-based tools for private healing—no therapist required, no disclosure pressure.
💬 Work With Me
One-on-one coaching for personalized support as you navigate these exact questions and develop tools for your specific situation.
📧 Stay Connected
Join my email list for more honest conversations about trauma, healing, and the questions nobody else is answering.
Continue the Series:
→ Part 2: Let’s Talk About What Nobody Talks About—Porn, shame, and the search for control after trauma
→ Part 3: Identity After Trauma—Sexual orientation, gender questions, and finding yourself again
Related Posts:
One in three girls and one in six boys experience sexual abuse before age 18. Most never talk about these questions out loud. But they’re all thinking of them.
You’re not alone. Your questions deserve answers. And healing is possible.
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