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If You’re Going: Your Thanksgiving Safety Plan Boundary Guide

by | Nov 22, 2025 | Uncategorized

Part 2 of 3: Surviving Thanksgiving as a Trauma Survivor
Thanksgiving Safety Plan for Trauma Survivors

You’ve decided to go.

Maybe you weighed your options and determined you can handle it with the right preparation. Maybe you’re not ready to face the fallout of not going. Maybe you have kids who want to see their cousins, or elderly relatives you don’t want to disappoint.

Whatever your reasons—they’re valid.

But let me be clear: attending Thanksgiving when your abuser will be there requires a plan.

Not just a “I’ll be fine” hope. Not just “maybe they won’t even talk to me.” An actual, detailed safety plan that protects your wellbeing, your peace, and your healing.

This isn’t about being dramatic. This is about being prepared.

Your nervous system doesn’t care about your reasons for going. It just knows: danger ahead. So let’s give it what it needs to feel as safe as possible.

Before We Go Further: Should You Really Attend?

I want you to honestly answer these questions. Not the answers you think you should give. The real answers.

Assessment Questions:

  1. Physical Safety: Are you in any physical danger from this person? (If yes, do not go.)
  2. Support System: Will you have at least one safe person there who knows the situation?
  3. Autonomy: Do you have your own transportation so you can leave whenever you need to?
  4. Boundaries: Can you realistically maintain boundaries without being punished or guilted?
  5. Recovery Time: Do you have the following day off to recover and process?
  6. Worst Case Scenario: If your abuser confronts you, talks to you, or triggers you—can you handle that today? Not “should” you be able to—CAN you?
  7. Gut Check: When you imagine walking through that door, what does your body tell you? (Your body knows. Listen to it.)

If you answered “no” to questions 2, 3, 4, or 5—or if question 7 makes you want to throw up—it’s okay to change your mind about going.

Deciding not to attend after saying you would is not failure. It’s wisdom.

But if you’re still going, let’s build you a safety plan.

Your Safety Plan: The Non-Negotiables

These are not suggestions. These are requirements for attending Thanksgiving when your abuser will be there.

  1. Identify Your Support Person

This person:_________________________________________________________

  • Knows about your history (at least that there’s an issue)
  • Understands they’re your lifeline for the day
  • Agrees to stay physically close to you
  • Will help you exit without questions if needed
  • Won’t minimize your feelings or push you to “give them a chance”

Tell them in advance: “I need you to be my support person on Thursday. If I say [code word], I need to leave immediately. Can you help me with that?”

Code words that work:

  • “I’m getting a headache”
  • “Did you check on the dog?”
  • “I’m really tired”
  • “Can we talk outside for a minute?”

Practice these. Your support person needs to know what they mean.

  1. Secure Your Own Transportation

Non-negotiable.

You must be able to leave whenever you need to—without asking permission, explaining, or waiting for someone else to be ready.

This means:

  • Drive yourself (ideal)
  • Have Uber/Lyft app ready with payment set up
  • Have a friend on standby to pick you up
  • Have your keys accessible at all times (not buried in a coat closet)

Do not carpool unless your support person is driving and agrees to leave when you say so.

  1. Plan Your Physical Positioning

Strategic placement matters:

✓ Sit near an exit – Always have a clear path out ✓ Don’t sit next to or across from your abuser – Maintain maximum distance ✓ Position near your support person – Close enough to make eye contact ✓ Avoid isolated spaces – Stay where others can see you ✓ Know where bathrooms are – Your emergency escape location

If someone tries to seat you next to your abuser: “I’m sitting here, thanks.” (Don’t explain. Don’t apologize.)

  1. Set Time Limits

Decide in advance:

  • What time you’ll arrive
  • What time you’ll leave
  • Maximum time you’re willing to stay

Example: “I’ll arrive at 2 PM and leave by 5 PM. Three hours maximum.”

Set an alarm on your phone. When it goes off, you leave—even if dinner isn’t served yet, even if someone protests, even if you feel guilty.

Your time boundary is sacred.

  1. Establish Your Alcohol Boundary

Here’s the truth: Alcohol lowers your defenses, reduces your ability to maintain boundaries, and makes you more vulnerable.

My strong recommendation: Limit yourself to one drink maximum, or ideally, none.

I know that might sound harsh, especially when you’re nervous. But you need your full nervous system online to protect yourself.

If family pressures you to drink more: “I’m good, thanks.” (Repeat as needed. You don’t owe an explanation.)

Boundary Phrases to Practice NOW

Don’t wait until you’re triggered to figure out what to say. Practice these now. Out loud. Until they feel natural.

If Your Abuser Tries to Talk to You:

Short responses:

  • “I’d rather not.”
  • “I’m not interested in talking.”
  • “Excuse me.” (Walk away—you don’t need permission)

If they persist:

  • “I’ve said no. Please respect that.”
  • “This conversation is over.”

You don’t need to:

  • Explain why
  • Be polite
  • Make it comfortable for them
  • Worry about what others think

If Someone Pushes You to Interact:

“You should go say hi to [abuser].” → “I’m good where I am.”

“Come on, it’s Thanksgiving. Be nice.” → “I am being nice—to myself.”

“You’re being rude.” → “I’m setting a boundary. That’s different.”

“What will people think?” → “I’m more concerned with my wellbeing than appearances.”

“But they’re family.” → “And I’m taking care of myself.”

If Your Abuser Directly Engages You:

Remember: You are not required to respond.

Silence is a complete sentence. Walking away is a valid response. “No” needs no justification.

Your Emergency Phrases:

To your support person:

  • “I need to leave now.”
  • “Can you come with me?”
  • [Your code word]

To the group (as you leave):

  • “I need to go. Thanks for having me.”
  • “I’m not feeling well. See you later.”
  • “Something came up. I’ll talk to you soon.”

You do NOT need to:

  • Explain where you’re going
  • Justify why you’re leaving
  • Ask permission to take care of yourself

Your Grounding Toolkit

Pack these physically or have them ready on your phone:

Physical Items:

  • Ice pack or cold water bottle (temperature shock grounds you)
  • Strong mints or gum (scent grounding)
  • Stress ball or fidget tool (tactile grounding)
  • Comforting scent (essential oil, favorite perfume)
  • Emergency contacts (saved and ready)
  • Your safety card (index card with grounding steps)

On Your Phone:

  • Calming playlist (create it now)
  • Grounding app (Calm, Headspace, Insight Timer)
  • Photos that make you feel safe (pets, places, people)
  • Voice memo to yourself (record encouragement when calm)
  • This blog post (so you can re-read it if needed)

The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique

When you feel triggered, find:

5 things you can SEE (The table, a painting, your shoes, the window, a plant)

4 things you can TOUCH (Your chair, your clothes, the table, your phone)

3 things you can HEAR (Conversation, music, dishes clinking)

2 things you can SMELL (Food, candles, coffee, someone’s perfume)

1 thing you can TASTE (Your drink, gum, the meal)

This works because: It pulls you out of your triggered brain and into the present moment using your five senses.

Practice this NOW, before Thursday, so you can do it automatically when you need it.

What to Do If You’re Triggered During Dinner

Signs you’re triggered:

  • Heart racing or pounding
  • Feeling frozen or unable to move
  • Sudden overwhelming emotion
  • Disconnecting from your body
  • Mind going blank
  • Urge to run or hide

Your immediate response options:

Option 1: Bathroom Break

“Excuse me.” (Stand up and go—you don’t need permission)

Once in the bathroom:

  1. Lock the door
  2. Splash cold water on your face
  3. Do the 5-4-3-2-1 technique
  4. Text your support person
  5. Take as long as you need
  6. Return only when you’re ready

If someone knocks: “I’ll be out in a minute.” (Take five more.)

Option 2: “I Need Air”

“I’m going to step outside for a minute.”

Outside:

  1. Walk around
  2. Feel your feet on the ground
  3. Notice the temperature
  4. Take deep breaths (in for 4, out for 6)
  5. Call your support person or a safe friend
  6. Decide if you’re returning or leaving

Option 3: Early Exit

“I’m not feeling well. I need to head out. Thanks for having me.”

Then leave.

You don’t need:

  • A detailed medical explanation
  • To wait for the “right” moment
  • Permission from anyone
  • To feel guilty about taking care of yourself

Before, During, and After Self-Care

BEFORE (The Day Before and Morning Of):

Prep your nervous system:

  • Get good sleep the night before
  • Eat a solid breakfast
  • Move your body (walk, yoga, anything)
  • Do a grounding exercise
  • Review your safety plan
  • Text your support person to confirm
  • Set your time boundary alarm
  • Pack your grounding toolkit
  • Remind yourself: “I can leave anytime”

Self-talk for the morning:

  • “I have a plan.”
  • “I have support.”
  • “I can leave whenever I need to.”
  • “My safety is the priority.”
  • “I’m doing this on MY terms.”

DURING:

Micro self-care moments:

  • Take bathroom breaks as needed
  • Step outside when overwhelmed
  • Check in with your body every 30 minutes
  • Use your grounding techniques preemptively
  • Stay near your support person
  • Eat (low blood sugar makes triggers worse)
  • Drink water (dehydration increases anxiety)
  • Watch the clock—honor your time boundary

Permission statements:

  • “I can leave.”
  • “I don’t have to explain.”
  • “My comfort matters.”
  • “This is temporary.”

AFTER (That Evening and Next Day):

Immediate decompression (within 1 hour of leaving):

  • Change into comfortable clothes
  • Do something physical (cry, scream into pillow, shake it out)
  • Eat comfort food
  • Journal about what happened
  • Text your support person or therapist
  • Use weighted blanket or take hot shower
  • Watch comfort show or read comfort book

DO NOT:

  • Numb out with alcohol/substances
  • Analyze your “performance”
  • Beat yourself up for any “mistakes”
  • Make any big decisions tonight

Next day recovery:

  • Sleep in if possible
  • Gentle movement (walk, stretch)
  • Process with safe person or therapist
  • Celebrate that you survived
  • Notice what worked and what didn’t
  • No contact with family yet (give yourself space)

Your Emergency Exit Strategy

Despite your best planning, here are the situations where you leave immediately:

  1. Your abuser approaches you directly
  2. Someone pressures you to hug/touch your abuser
  3. You feel physically unsafe
  4. You’re dissociating badly
  5. Panic attack that won’t subside
  6. Your boundary is repeatedly violated
  7. Your gut screams “LEAVE NOW”

How to execute:

  1. Grab your stuff (keys, phone, coat)
  2. Find your support person OR text them “I’m leaving”
  3. Say ONE sentence: “I need to go. Thanks.”
  4. Walk out
  5. Drive/Uber away
  6. Text someone safe once you’re gone

Do NOT:

  • Give a detailed explanation
  • Wait for anyone’s approval
  • Apologize excessively
  • Let anyone talk you into staying

Text to send your support person once you’re safe: “I left. I’m okay. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Remember: You Can Always Change Your Mind

Right up until you walk through that door—you can turn around.

Even after you arrive—you can leave.

There is no prize for enduring a traumatic Thanksgiving.

There is no award for toughing it out.

There is no badge of honor for sacrificing your peace.

As I write in Healing What Hides in the Shadows: “Boundaries aren’t walls that keep everyone out. Boundaries are knowing what feels okay and what doesn’t. Think of them like the walls of a house—they aren’t there to trap you inside, they’re there to create a safe space where you choose who enters.”

Your abuser doesn’t get automatic access to you just because it’s Thanksgiving.

The door to your peace? You hold the key.

You’re Not Going Into Battle Unprepared

Look at what you’ve done:

  • You’ve assessed whether you should really go
  • You’ve identified your support person
  • You’ve secured transportation
  • You’ve practiced boundary phrases
  • You’ve packed your grounding toolkit
  • You’ve set time limits
  • You’ve planned your physical positioning
  • You’ve prepared before, during, and after care
  • You’ve created an emergency exit strategy

You’re not white-knuckling through this. You have a PLAN.

And that plan includes the most important permission: the permission to leave.

You’re not trapped. You’re not helpless. You’re not the person you were when the abuse happened.

You’re an adult with agency, resources, and the wisdom to protect yourself.

A Final Word Before Thursday

If you make it through Thanksgiving using every tool in this post—that’s success.

If you make it through but leave early—that’s success.

If you get there and immediately turn around—that’s success.

If you decide Wednesday night not to go after all—that’s success.

Success is not enduring abuse for the sake of a holiday.

Success is protecting yourself, on your terms, with the resources you have.

You survived the original abuse. You don’t have to survive every family gathering too.

Your healing matters more than anyone’s comfort. Your safety matters more than tradition. Your peace matters more than appearances.

If you attend Thanksgiving, do it with this safety plan. If you can’t follow this safety plan, don’t attend.

It’s that simple.

You’ve got this. And if you don’t got this? You’ve got permission to leave.

What’s Next

This is Part 2 of our 3-part series: Surviving Thanksgiving as a Trauma Survivor

  • Part 1 (November 18): You Don’t Have to Go: Permission to Skip Thanksgiving – Read it here
  • Part 2: If You’re Going: Your Safety Plan & Boundary Guide (You are here)
  • Part 3 (Coming Soon) After the Holiday: Processing, Recovery & What to Do If Boundaries Were Crossed

Coming Soon: What to do after Thanksgiving—processing what happened, recovering from any boundary violations, forgiving yourself for any “failures,” and planning differently for December holidays.

Download Your Free Safety Plan Checklist

Want this safety plan in a printable format? Download my free Thanksgiving Safety Plan Checklist to keep with you on Thursday.

Includes:

  • Assessment questions
  • Boundary phrase reminders
  • 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique
  • Emergency exit steps
  • Before/during/after self-care checklist

Agenna Mathley is a certified Life and Mindset Coach specializing in trauma-informed coaching for survivors. Her book, “Healing What Hides in the Shadows: A Private Journey Through Sexual Trauma Recovery,” offers practical tools for healing without requiring disclosure. Learn more at coachagenna.com.

If you’re in crisis:

  • RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
  • Crisis Text Line: Text HELLO to 741741
  • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988

 

 

You Don’t Have to Go: Permission to Skip Thanksgiving When Your Abuser Will Be There

by | Nov 15, 2025 | Uncategorized

Part 1 of 3: Surviving Thanksgiving as a Trauma Survivor

It’s happening again. The group text is lighting up your phone. “Who’s bringing what?” “What time should we arrive?” “Can’t wait to see everyone!”

And there it is—that familiar knot in your stomach. The tightness in your chest. The mental calculation you’ve been doing for weeks: Will they be there? Can I handle it? What excuse can I use this time?

Let me stop you right there.

You don’t need an excuse.

The Truth Nobody Says Out Loud

You don’t have to go home for Thanksgiving if your abuser will be there.

Read that again. Let it sink in.

You don’t have to sit across the table from the person who hurt you. You don’t have to make small talk with someone who violated you. You don’t have to pretend everything is fine while your nervous system screams danger. You don’t have to sacrifice your peace, your safety, or your healing for mashed potatoes and tradition.

Going home for Thanksgiving when your abuser will be there isn’t brave—it’s optional.

And choosing not to go? That’s not weakness. That’s not being dramatic. That’s not “letting them win.”

That’s wisdom.

Why This Is Actually the Brave Choice

Society has it backwards. We’re told that showing up to family gatherings no matter what is the “right” thing to do. That “keeping the peace” is admirable. That forgiveness means sitting at the same table as the person who harmed you.

But here’s what actual bravery looks like:

Bravery is recognizing that your safety matters more than tradition.

Bravery is disappointing people who would rather you stay silent than speak your truth.

Bravery is choosing healing over the comfort of everyone else.

Bravery is saying “no” when your nervous system is screaming “danger” and everyone around you is saying “but it’s family.”

The scared version of you that keeps showing up year after year, enduring triggering situations while smiling through dinner? That’s not strength—that’s survival mode. And you’ve survived enough.

You survived the abuse. You don’t have to keep surviving every family gathering too.

You Don’t Owe Anyone These Things

As Thanksgiving approaches and the pressure mounts, let me be very clear about what you DON’T owe anyone:

You don’t owe them:

  • Your presence
  • An explanation that satisfies them
  • Forgiveness on their timeline
  • Politeness toward your abuser
  • Pretending everything is fine
  • Protecting your abuser’s reputation
  • Family harmony at the cost of your wellbeing
  • Another Thanksgiving of white-knuckling through dinner
  • Your silence
  • Your peace of mind
  • One more chance

What you DO deserve:

  • Safety
  • Respect for your boundaries
  • A holiday that doesn’t retraumatize you
  • To be believed when you say “I can’t”
  • Time and space to heal
  • People who prioritize your wellbeing over appearances

As I write in my book Healing What Hides in the Shadows, “You don’t owe anyone silence. Family comfort doesn’t trump your healing.”

Your story belongs to you. Your Thanksgiving belongs to you. Your healing belongs to you.

How to Communicate Your Decision

If you’ve decided not to attend Thanksgiving, you might be wondering: How do I tell them?

First, remember: You don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation. But if you want to communicate your decision, here are some approaches:

The Direct Approach

“I won’t be attending Thanksgiving this year. I’ve made this decision for my wellbeing, and it’s not up for discussion.”

The Boundary-Setting Approach

“I’ll only attend if [abuser’s name] is not there. Otherwise, I’ll need to skip this year.”

The Alternative Offer

“I won’t be there on Thursday, but I’d love to see you on Friday for coffee if you’re free.”

The Simple Decline

“I have other plans this year. Hope you have a great holiday.”

The Honest Approach (for safe people only)

“I’m not comfortable being around [person] right now. I need to prioritize my mental health this holiday season.”

Important: You are NOT required to:

  • Justify your decision
  • Provide proof of harm
  • Convince anyone you’re making the right choice
  • Engage in lengthy explanations or debates
  • Answer invasive questions
  • Negotiate or compromise your boundary

If someone pushes back, you can repeat: “This isn’t up for discussion. I need you to respect my decision.”

Dealing With Guilt and Pressure

The guilt might feel overwhelming. You might hear (from others or from that voice in your head):

“But it’s Thanksgiving!”
“You’re ruining the holiday for everyone.”
“You need to forgive and move on.”
“It was so long ago.”
“They’re family—you can’t just abandon family.”
“You’re being too sensitive.”
“What will everyone think?”

Let me reframe every single one of those:

“But it’s Thanksgiving!”
→ Thanksgiving is supposed to feel safe. When it doesn’t, you have every right to opt out.

“You’re ruining the holiday.”
→ The person who abused you ruined things long before you set a boundary.

“You need to forgive and move on.”
→ Forgiveness doesn’t require proximity. You can forgive (if/when you choose to) from a distance.

“It was so long ago.”
→ Trauma doesn’t have an expiration date. Your healing happens on your timeline, not theirs.

“They’re family.”
→ Family doesn’t get automatic access to hurt you repeatedly. Being related by blood doesn’t erase harm.

“You’re being too sensitive.”
→ Your sensitivity is your nervous system trying to protect you. That’s wisdom, not weakness.

“What will everyone think?”
→ Anyone who prioritizes appearances over your safety doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

The guilt you feel? That’s not your conscience. That’s your conditioning.

You were taught that family comes first (even abusive family), that you should forgive and forget (even without apology or change), that your feelings matter less than everyone else’s comfort, and that missing holidays is wrong (even when attending harms you).

None of that is true.

Alternative Ways to Spend Thanksgiving

If you’re not going home, you might be wondering: What do I do instead?

Here are some meaningful alternatives that honor your healing:

Create Your Own Celebration

  • Friendsgiving with people who feel truly safe
  • Solo sanctuary – make your favorite meal, watch movies you love, rest deeply
  • Potluck with other people who can’t/won’t go home – you’re not alone in this

Give Back

  • Volunteer at a shelter, soup kitchen, or community center
  • Serve others who also can’t go home—there’s healing in shared understanding

Travel or Adventure

  • Visit a place that brings you peace
  • Take that trip you’ve been wanting to take
  • Explore a new city where you can be anonymous and free

Work or Routine

  • Some survivors find comfort in working the holiday
  • Keeping your normal routine can feel safer than disruption

Rest and Restore

  • This is a GREAT day to sleep in, read, take a bath, journal
  • Give yourself permission to do absolutely nothing

Start New Traditions

  • This is your chance to redefine what Thanksgiving means to you
  • What would feel nourishing? Joyful? Peaceful? Do that.

Remember: You’re not missing out. You’re choosing differently. And that takes more courage than showing up to a harmful situation ever would.

What to Tell Yourself When You Doubt

The days leading up to Thanksgiving might be hard. You might second-guess yourself. You might wonder if you’re making the right choice.

When doubt creeps in, come back to these truths:

✓ “My safety is not negotiable.”

✓ “I don’t have to earn the right to protect myself.”

✓ “Choosing my wellbeing over tradition is valid.”

✓ “My healing matters more than their comfort.”

✓ “I survived the abuse. I don’t have to survive every family dinner too.”

✓ “Not going doesn’t mean I’m weak—it means I’m wise.”

✓ “This decision honors the part of me that needed protection and didn’t get it.”

✓ “I’m not abandoning anyone. I’m choosing myself.”

And here’s the most important one:

“This feeling will pass. My safety is worth the temporary discomfort of going against expectations.”

You’re Not Alone in This

If you’re reading this and feeling seen—you’re not alone. Thousands of trauma survivors face this exact decision every holiday season. Some skip. Some go with safety plans. Some do both at different points in their healing.

There’s no “right” answer except the one that protects your wellbeing.

What I know for certain after years of working with trauma survivors is this: Every single person who has prioritized their safety over family obligation has told me they’re glad they did it. Not one has regretted choosing themselves.

The regrets always come from the years they didn’t protect themselves. The holidays they white-knuckled through. The dinners that set their healing back months.

You won’t regret choosing safety. You’ll regret the years you didn’t.

Your Healing Matters Most

Thanksgiving will come and go. Family dynamics will shift and change. But your healing? That’s forever. That’s the foundation of the rest of your life.

Every time you choose your safety, you’re telling that hurt part of yourself: “I’ve got you now. I’m the adult who protects you. You don’t have to go through that again.”

That’s not selfish. That’s sacred.

As I write in Healing What Hides in the Shadows: A Private Journey Through Sexual Trauma Recovery, “Boundaries aren’t walls that keep everyone out. Boundaries are knowing what feels okay and what doesn’t. Think of them like the walls of a house—they aren’t there to trap you inside, they’re there to create a safe space where you choose who enters.”

Your abuser doesn’t get automatic access just because it’s a holiday.

The door to your peace? You hold the key.

What’s Next

This is Part 1 of our 3-part series: Surviving Thanksgiving as a Trauma Survivor

  • Part 2: If You’re Going: Your Thanksgiving Safety Plan & Boundary Guide – For those who’ve decided to attend but need strategies to stay safe
    Download your Safety Plan here
  • Part 3: After the Holiday: Processing, Recovery & What to Do If Boundaries Were Crossed

Coming Friday: If you’ve decided you ARE going to Thanksgiving despite your abuser being there, Part 2 will give you a comprehensive safety plan, boundary scripts, grounding techniques, and emergency strategies to protect yourself.

A Final Word

If you skip Thanksgiving this year, know this: You’re not ruining anything. You’re reclaiming something.

You’re reclaiming your right to safety. Your right to peace. Your right to heal on your terms, at your pace, without performing for anyone.

That’s not missing out. That’s showing up—for yourself.

And after everything you’ve been through, you deserve someone who shows up for you. Even if—especially if—that someone has to be you.

You’ve survived worse than a missed Thanksgiving. Trust yourself.

If you’re in crisis:

  • RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
  • Crisis Text Line: Text HELLO to 741741
  • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988

Your turn: Are you facing this decision this Thanksgiving? What’s been most helpful as you navigate this choice? Share in the comments below—your experience might help another survivor feeling alone in this struggle.

 

Agenna Mathley is a certified Life and Mindset Coach specializing in trauma-informed coaching for survivors. Her book, “Healing What Hides in the Shadows: A Private Journey Through Sexual Trauma Recovery,” offers practical tools for healing without requiring disclosure. Learn more at coachagenna.com.

How I Integrate Trauma-Informed Principles Into My Coaching Practice

by | Nov 13, 2025 | Uncategorized

When I first began my journey as a trauma-informed coach, I knew that understanding trauma wasn’t enough. I needed to create a space where healing could actually happen—where survivors could feel safe enough to do the deep work without having to relive their pain or prove their story to yet another person.

Over the years, I’ve learned that being trauma-informed isn’t just about what I know; it’s about how I show up. It’s woven into every conversation, every session, and every email I send. SAMHSA’s six trauma-informed principles aren’t just professional guidelines for me; they’re the foundation of how I meet people where they are, believe their truth, and equip them for real life.

Let me share how these trauma-informed care principles come alive in my coaching practice.

Safety: Creating Space Where You Can Breathe

Safety is always my first priority in trauma-informed coaching, but here’s what I’ve learned: safety looks different for everyone.

For some clients, safety means knowing exactly what to expect in our sessions. For others, it’s the freedom to change their mind, to say, “I’m not ready to talk about that today,” without explanation. I never assume I know what makes someone feel safe—I ask.

In practical terms, this means I’m intentional about everything from where we meet (or whether we meet virtually) to how I respond when someone shares something vulnerable. I don’t push. I don’t probe. I let you set the pace. My role is to hold the space while you decide what feels right for you.

I also pay attention to emotional safety. Trauma survivors have often been told their feelings are too much, too dramatic, and not valid. In my coaching space, your feelings are always welcome. All of them. Even the messy, contradictory ones that don’t make logical sense.

Trustworthiness and Transparency: No Hidden Agendas Here

Trust is earned, not assumed—especially when you’ve been through trauma.

From our very first conversation, I’m clear about what trauma recovery coaching is and isn’t. I explain confidentiality and its limits. I’m upfront about my process, my approach, and what you can expect from me. If something isn’t working, I want to know. If you’re feeling stuck or uncomfortable, that’s important information, not a problem to be fixed.

I also believe in being real with you. I’m not going to pretend I have all the answers or that healing from trauma follows a neat, linear path. Sometimes the work is hard. Sometimes we take two steps forward and one step back. I’ll always be honest with you about that—because you deserve transparency, not false promises.

And when I make a mistake (because I’m human and I will), I own it. I apologize. I course-correct. That’s how trust is built—through consistency and accountability.

Peer Support: You’re Not Alone in This

One of the most powerful realizations in trauma recovery is this: you’re not the only one.

While I maintain appropriate professional boundaries, I’ve learned that there’s incredible healing in knowing others have walked similar paths. That’s why I wrote Healing What Hides in the Shadows—to let survivors know they’re not alone, even if they choose to heal privately.

In coaching, I sometimes share (with permission, anonymously) how other clients have navigated similar challenges. Not to tell you what to do, but to show you the possibilities. To remind you that if someone else found their way through, so can you.

I also encourage you to find your people—whether that’s a trusted friend, a faith community, or others who understand your journey. Healing doesn’t have to happen in isolation. In fact, it often can’t.

Collaboration and Mutuality: This Is Your Journey, Not Mine

Here’s something I’m passionate about: I’m not here to fix you, because you’re not broken.

You’re the expert on your own life. You know what you need better than I ever could. My job is to walk alongside you, to ask the questions that help you access your own wisdom, and to reflect back the strength I see in you that trauma may have temporarily hidden from view.

This means we’re partners in this work. You set the goals. You decide what we focus on. You determine what healing from trauma looks like for you. I bring tools, frameworks, and a safe space to explore—but you’re always in the driver’s seat.

I also believe in leveling the power dynamic as much as possible. Yes, I’m the coach, but that doesn’t make me more important or more valuable than you. We’re two human beings, sitting together, figuring out how to help you live the life you want and deserve.

Empowerment: Helping You Remember Who You Are

Trauma can make you forget your own strength. It can convince you that you’re powerless, that you’re defined by what happened to you, and that you’re somehow less than.

I’ve built my entire trauma-informed coaching practice around helping you remember the truth: you are valuable beyond measure.

Every coaching session is designed to help you reconnect with your inherent worth and reclaim your power. We focus on what you can control, not what you can’t. We identify the skills and resilience you’ve already demonstrated—because surviving trauma takes incredible strength, even if you don’t see it that way yet.

I never approach you from a deficit mindset. I don’t focus on what’s “wrong” with you or what needs to be “fixed.” Instead, we build on your strengths. We explore what’s already working. We discover new possibilities you maybe haven’t considered before.

Because here’s what I know: healing isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about becoming more fully yourself.

Cultural, Historical, and Gender Responsiveness: Seeing All of You

Trauma doesn’t happen in a vacuum, and neither does healing.

Your story is shaped by your culture, your history, your identity, and your experiences of how the world has treated you. I can’t create a truly safe space if I’m not honoring all of who you are.

This means I actively work to understand your unique context—not to make assumptions based on stereotypes, but to truly see you. It means I’m continuously learning about different cultures, experiences, and perspectives. It means I recognize that healing practices that work for one person might not work for another, and that’s okay.

It also means I understand that some trauma is generational, some is systemic, and some comes from being marginalized or othered. I don’t dismiss these realities, and I don’t expect you to heal from collective trauma through individual willpower alone.

For my clients of faith, I honor that. For those who aren’t, I honor that too. For those navigating trauma related to their gender, sexuality, race, or other aspects of their identity, I create space for all of it.

You get to bring your whole self to our coaching relationship—because you deserve to be seen, heard, and valued exactly as you are.

The Heart of Trauma-Informed Coaching

At the end of the day, these six trauma-informed principles all point to the same truth: you matter. Your healing matters. Your story matters.

Trauma-informed coaching isn’t just a set of techniques I learned in a manual. It’s a commitment I make every single day to create a space where healing can happen on your terms, at your pace, in your way.

Because you’ve already survived the hardest part. Now it’s time to learn how to thrive.

If you’re ready to begin your healing journey with someone who will meet you where you are, believe your truth, and equip you for real life, I’d be honored to walk alongside you.

You are valuable beyond measure—and I see that, even if you don’t quite see it yet.

Ready to Experience Trauma-Informed Coaching?

Schedule your free consultation call and let’s talk about what healing could look like for you.

Explore my coaching services: Learn more about working with me

Read my story: Healing What Hides in the Shadows is available now on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and IngramSpark.

The Stories Bodies Tell That We Never Ask About

by | Nov 6, 2025 | Uncategorized

This is Part 6 of the “Weight of Words” series. Read Part 1 | Part 2: The Whisper Test | Part 3: The Compliment That Cuts | Part 4: Size Gaslighting | Part 5: The Invisible Uniform

 

I need to tell you something that might make you uncomfortable:

You don’t know why anyone’s body looks the way it does.

Not your coworker who gained weight. Not your friend who lost it. Not the stranger in line at the grocery store. Not your sister. Not your daughter. Not anyone.

You might think you know. You might assume you know. But unless someone has explicitly told you their story – and I mean really told you, not just dropped hints you think you’ve decoded – you don’t know.

And here’s what I’ve learned in my years of coaching people through trauma and life transitions: Almost every body is carrying a story we haven’t been invited to read.

The Stories Behind Body Changes

Let me tell you about some of the invisible reasons for weight change I’ve encountered:

The woman everyone praised for losing weight? She’d just left an abusive marriage. The weight fell off because she was too anxious to eat, couldn’t sleep, and was running on pure survival mode. Every compliment about how great she looked felt like celebrating the worst period of her life.

A man who suddenly gained weight had finally found medication that treated his severe depression and saved his life. The weight gain was a side effect. He’d choose being alive and heavier over thin and suicidal any day – but nobody asked. They just looked at him differently.

The young woman who was “so lucky to be naturally thin”? She had an autoimmune disease that made eating painful. She would have given anything to gain weight, to feel healthy, to not have people envy something that was actually making her miserable.

The person who couldn’t seem to lose weight no matter what? PCOS. Thyroid issues. Medications for chronic conditions. Hormonal changes. Genetic factors. Or maybe just… a body that’s shaped like that. A body that’s actually healthy at that size, despite what diet culture tells us.

Medical Reasons We Don’t See

Here are just some of the invisible reasons for weight change – reasons we rarely consider before commenting:

Medical reasons:

  • Medications for depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, diabetes, seizures, migraines, or autoimmune conditions
  • Thyroid disorders (hyper or hypo)
  • PCOS
  • Cushing’s syndrome
  • Menopause and hormonal changes
  • Chronic pain that limits mobility
  • Disabilities that affect movement
  • Cancer or cancer treatments
  • Chronic illness
  • Recent surgery or injury recovery

Mental health reasons:

  • Eating disorders (in any direction – restriction, binging, or recovery from either)
  • Depression that kills appetite or leads to emotional eating
  • Anxiety that makes eating impossible or triggers stress eating
  • Trauma responses (the body often holds onto weight as protection after trauma)
  • PTSD
  • Grief that manifests as weight loss or gain

Life circumstance reasons:

  • Poverty (healthy food is expensive; sometimes survival means eating what’s cheap and available)
  • Food deserts (living where fresh, healthy food simply isn’t accessible)
  • Working multiple jobs with no time to cook or exercise
  • Caretaking responsibilities (caring for sick family members, aging parents, children with special needs)
  • Pregnancy, postpartum, breastfeeding
  • Recovering from an eating disorder (weight gain can literally mean healing)
  • Escaping abuse
  • Major life transitions or stress

And sometimes:

  • Genetics (some bodies are just built bigger or smaller)
  • Natural body diversity (we’re supposed to come in different sizes)
  • Aging (bodies change over decades, and that’s normal)
  • Simply living life (not everyone’s priority is maintaining a certain size, and that’s okay)

Research on weight stigma and health shows that commenting on someone’s body without knowing their story can cause significant psychological harm and reinforce dangerous assumptions about health and appearance.

What Your Comments Really Mean

Here’s what all of this means:

When you comment on someone’s weight – whether they’ve lost it or gained it – you’re commenting on a story you don’t know.

You might be celebrating someone’s suffering. You might be criticizing someone’s healing. You might be envying someone’s illness. You might be shaming someone’s survival.

And even if the weight change IS intentional and healthy, your comment still carries weight.

Because it tells that person: I’ve been watching your body. I’ve been judging it. And the most interesting or important thing about you to me is what size you are.

It tells them their worth in your eyes is tied to their appearance.

It tells everyone listening what bodies you approve of and what bodies you don’t.

Meeting People Where They Are

I think about this a lot in my work. I meet people where they are. I believe their truth. And part of believing someone’s truth is understanding that their body is telling a story I haven’t earned the right to read – let alone comment on.

Someone’s body might be:

  • The site of their trauma
  • The evidence of their survival
  • The result of their healing
  • The manifestation of their illness
  • The side effect of staying alive
  • The consequence of their circumstances
  • The reality of their genetics
  • Just… their body, living its life

And none of those stories are mine to judge.

A Different Approach to Connection

So what do we do instead of commenting on weight?

We ask: “How are you doing?” (And actually listen to the answer)

We notice: “You seem happy lately” or “You’ve seemed stressed – is everything okay?”

We appreciate: “I love your energy” or “That color looks great on you” or “I enjoy spending time with you”

We celebrate: Their accomplishments, their character, their growth, their kindness, their humor

We see the whole person – not just the body they’re living in.

The Complex Humans Behind Every Body

Because here’s what I know for certain:

Behind every body is a complete human being with a complex story.

Some of those stories include trauma you can’t see. Some include illness you wouldn’t guess. Some include circumstances you’ve never experienced. Some include victories that look like failures to outsiders. Some include struggles that look like success.

And you don’t need to know the story to treat the person with dignity.

You don’t need to understand why someone’s body looks the way it does to recognize their worth.

You don’t need their medical history or life circumstances to speak to them with respect.

You just need to remember that there IS a story – one that’s complex and real and none of your business unless they choose to share it.

The Only Story That Matters

Every body tells a story we haven’t been invited to read.

So maybe, just maybe, we could stop acting like we’ve already read it.

Maybe we could stop commenting on chapters we know nothing about.

Maybe we could treat every body – every single one – with the respect and dignity we’d want for our own.

Because every person you see is carrying something you don’t know about.

Every body has a history you haven’t lived.

Every size has a story you haven’t heard.

And every human being – regardless of what their body looks like or why it looks that way – is valuable beyond measure.

Not because they’ve earned it. Not because their story is compelling enough. Not because their circumstances are sympathetic enough.

Just because they’re human.

Just because they exist.

Just because they are.

That’s the only story we need to know to treat someone with kindness.

You are valuable beyond measure – and your story is yours to tell, not theirs to assume.

CONTINUE THE SERIES:

The Invisible Uniform: When Your Workplace Literally Doesn’t Fit You

by | Nov 6, 2025 | Uncategorized

 This is Part 5 of the “Weight of Words” series. Read Part 1 | Part 2: The Whisper Test | Part 3: The Compliment That Cuts | Part 4: Size Gaslighting

I want you to imagine something with me.

Picture showing up to work every day in a place where you’re supposed to represent the brand. Where part of your job is wearing and showcasing what the company offers.

But the company doesn’t offer anything that fits you.

Imagine watching your coworkers get excited about new inventory arriving. They’re pulling pieces, trying things on, talking about what they’re going to wear for their next shift.

And you’re just… standing there. Because there’s nothing in your size. There’s rarely anything in your size.

This is workplace size exclusion, and it’s more common than most people realize.

The Reality of Systematic Exclusion

Imagine promotional photoshoots for the company’s social media, their website, their marketing materials. Everyone’s getting ready, picking outfits, doing their hair.

And you’re not included. Not because you’re not photogenic. Not because you’re not good at your job. But because you can’t fit into what they’re photographing.

Picture being made invisible in a place where you show up every single day.

This isn’t a hypothetical for a lot of people. This is their reality.

And here’s what we need to understand: This isn’t just hurt feelings. This is systemic exclusion disguised as business decisions.

What the Message Really Says

When a workplace – especially one in fashion, retail, or any industry where “representing the brand” matters – doesn’t carry sizes that fit all its employees, it sends a clear message:

Some bodies belong here. Some don’t. Some bodies are worthy of representing us. Some aren’t. Some bodies are part of “the brand.” Some are just… here.

And workplace size exclusion isn’t just about the clothes.

Walking into work every day knowing you’re not included in the visual identity of the place that employs you takes a toll. Being part of a team where everyone else gets to participate in something you’re systematically excluded from creates isolation.

Watching company photos go up on social media and never seeing yourself in them – not because you weren’t there, not because you weren’t working, but because your body wasn’t considered promotional material.

Hearing your coworkers bond over the clothes they’re wearing, the pieces they’re excited about, the discount they’re using on inventory – and having nothing to contribute to that conversation because the inventory doesn’t include you.

The Pattern of Invisible Harm

In my work with trauma survivors, I see this pattern: being made invisible in plain sight creates a unique kind of harm.

It’s not overt cruelty. No one’s calling you names. No one’s telling you to leave.

But you’re being told every single day, in a thousand quiet ways, that you don’t fully belong. That your body is a problem the company hasn’t solved and doesn’t seem particularly interested in solving.

You’re simultaneously essential enough to employ and unacceptable enough to exclude.

Research on workplace discrimination and body size shows that size-based exclusion has real consequences for employee wellbeing, job satisfaction, and professional advancement.

The Impossible Position

And here’s what makes it even more complicated:

When you’re the only person or one of few people this affects, speaking up feels impossible.

Because if you say “I notice I’m never in the photoshoots,” you sound petty.

If you say “I wish the store carried my size,” you sound like you’re making it about you.

If you mention that you can’t wear what you sell, you risk being told that’s just how the industry works, or that you knew this when you took the job, or that maybe this isn’t the right fit for you.

What “Fit” Really Means

But let’s be honest about what “fit” really means in that sentence.

They don’t mean fit for the job. They mean fit for the clothes. They mean your body doesn’t fit our narrow definition of what’s acceptable.

And when a workplace’s definition of “who belongs here” is determined by what sizes they choose to carry, that’s not about skills or qualifications or work ethic.

That’s about deciding certain bodies are more valuable, more marketable, more worthy than others.

I’ve watched this play out in industries beyond retail too. Company uniforms that only go up to a certain size. Branded clothing given out at corporate events that doesn’t fit everyone. Promotional materials that only feature certain body types.

The Daily Message

Every time this happens, here’s the message being sent:

We thought about some bodies when we made these decisions. Just not yours.

You’re welcome to work here. Just not to be seen here.

You’re part of the team. Just not the part we show the world.

The Ripple Effects

And it affects everything.

It affects your confidence. How can you feel fully professional when you can’t wear what your workplace considers professional attire?

It affects your sense of belonging. How can you feel like part of the team when the team’s visual identity systematically excludes you?

It affects your relationship with your own body. Every day you’re being told – not through words, but through systemic exclusion – that your body is wrong for this space.

What Companies Need to Understand

Here’s what companies need to understand:

If you employ people, your “brand” should be able to dress them. Period.

If you’re going to do promotional photoshoots, they should reflect the actual humans who work for you.

If you’re selling an image, that image should be inclusive enough to include the people who are helping you sell it.

This isn’t about political correctness. This isn’t about being woke. This is about basic respect and inclusion.

This is about recognizing that when you create a workplace where some bodies literally don’t fit, you’re not just making a merchandising decision. You’re making a statement about whose bodies have value.

And the people living in those excluded bodies? They hear that statement. Loud and clear. Every single day.

They show up anyway. They do their jobs anyway. They smile at customers and process transactions and support their coworkers anyway.

But they do it while being constantly reminded that they’re not quite acceptable enough to fully belong.

What Needs to Change

Companies need to ask themselves: If we wouldn’t hire someone because of their body type, that would be discrimination. So why is it acceptable to employ someone but exclude them from representing the brand because of their body type?

They need to expand their size ranges – not as a favor, but as a basic inclusion practice.

They need to feature diverse bodies in their marketing – not once a year for a “body positivity campaign,” but consistently, because diverse bodies exist consistently.

They need to stop treating certain sizes as specialty items and start treating all sizes as standard inventory.

The Truth About Belonging

Because here’s the truth:

Every body that works for you should be able to wear your brand. Every employee should be able to see themselves in your marketing. Every person on your team should feel like they actually belong there.

Not as an afterthought. Not as a diversity checkbox. But as a fundamental part of how you operate.

I See You

To anyone who’s experienced this: I see you.

I see you showing up to a workplace that doesn’t quite make room for you.

I see you being professional even when you’re being excluded.

I see you staying gracious while being made invisible.

Your body doesn’t need to change to be worthy of inclusion. The systems that exclude you need to change.

You are valuable beyond measure – and you deserve to work in a place that treats you like you are.

Even if that place hasn’t figured that out yet.

You are valuable beyond measure – whether or not your workplace has learned to see it.